Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas drinks so much, he forgets himself

Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas is off on a tour of Australia right now. Although he nearly had to come back straight away after "making a joke":

“I keep drinking until I think I’m a black Australian”.

Considering there's such a serious alcohol problem amongst Indigenous Australains that it's the main cause of a horrifying death rate amongst the group, if Thomas had known quite what he was saying, that would be career-endingly shameful.

As it turns out, Thomas was horrified to discover the truth:

“I said I drank until I thought I was Australian. Then I drank so much that I thought I was a black Australian and then I drank so much I thought I was a little Australian girl.

“These were 3 things I chose at random to represent 3 things I’m not. I’m not Australian. I’m not black and I’m not a little girl.”

Thomas said that had he known there was a “connection between the indigenous peoples of Australia and a stereotype involving drinking” he would have chosen another example.

“I was so ignorant to the situation that when I heard people groan I actually thought THEY were being racist. I didn’t know until TODAY that just the phrase ‘black Australian’ was racist all on it’s own. (sic)

“I sat in my room and I cried when I found out.”

Thomas said he was “truly sorry” for how the joke was delivered, “most of all to the indigenous people here”.

That seems heartfelt, and genuine. It's what contrition looks like.

He had the grace to admit he got things wrong, and to apologise.

Let's move on.

Except... to play the Columbo 'one last thing' card...

Leaving aside the specific Australian angle, we're still left with something difficult.

In trying to conjure up something different to himself, Thomas thought of a black man.

Now, he could have said he'd drunk so much he thought he was a dragon, or Napoleon, or a teapot, or the singer in a half-decent band. There's a lot of things that are completely unlike him.

But instead, the most distant thing he can come up with from himself is a black man.

Yeah, I suspect it's true that Thomas doesn't have much idea how far the experiences of typical black men - American or Australian - differ from his life. That might be the problem, Rob.

And a quick aside: even without the awkward race angle, going on stage and talking about how much you've drunk isn't an act; it's a stag party organised by bores.

Mark Seymour tells racists to get lost

Hunters And Collectors heard that their music was being used by racist wank-gerbils Reclaim Australia. Mark Seymour isn't having it:

I've just been informed that 'Reclaim Australia' are using 'Holy Grail' at their rallies.
Let me be clear. 'Reclaim Australia' is a racist organisation.
We stand together with refugees and asylum seekers the world over.
We are opposed to bigotry, race hate and fascism.
'Reclaim Australia' has no place in Australian Society.

This has had the happy side effect of leading his racist fans to out themselves, and withdraw from being his fan. For example, one prime toothbucket called Jake Myers swept in to slap this out of his keyboard:

Fuck you Mark , just burnt my hunters albums , are you fucking blind to what's going on in the world stop being politically correct and have some balls, at least reclaim are doing and saying something, yes it mightn't be the best way of doing things but at they are trying , this is what shits me about Australia these days everybody is to fucking soft and afraid of offending someone, fuck I'm cranky.

First of all, clearly if Seymour had been too scared to offend people, he wouldn't have had a pop at the brain offsets which calls themselves Reclaim Australia.

Secondly, and more importantly, you've burned your Hunters albums, have you, Jake? Really? You set fire to them, did you? It's funny, because I don't smell burning plastic coming off that post. I smell something, but not that.

Australia might not let Chris Brown in

Australia's Immigration Minister is being encouraged to refuse an entry visa to Chris Brown, on account of his domestic violence:

Australian Minister for Women Michaelia Cash, speaking alongside Turnbull at an event in Canberra highlighting new government efforts to fight domestic violence, urged Immigration Minister Peter Dutton to bar the performer.

"People need to understand that if you are going to commit domestic violence and then you want to travel around the world there are going to be countries that say to you, 'You cannot come in because you are not of the character we expect in Australia'," Cash told reporters.

It would be an important signal to the wider world, although recently Australia has had something of a reputation for not allowing anyone in at all.

Eurovision 2015: Canberra, can we have your v... hang on, what?

It's never been a condition of entry that your nation is in Europe to be part of the Eurovision Song Contest. You just have to be a member of the European Broadcasting Union.

So the announcement that Australia is going to send a competing song to Eurovision isn't quite as unlikely as it sounds.

Australia is an associate member of the EBU, and given that that's enough to qualify for entry, it holds out the prospect of other associates turning up. That could mean Brazil; Japan; or even a Cuba-USA head-to-head.

Participation leads to voting privileges, which means Terry Wogan is trying to work out which European country is closest to Australia so he can start complaining about block votes.

Sam Smith: "Don't worry, chums, it's only dolphins being kept in tiny tanks"

Sam Smith has found himself in the middle of a whirlpool after going to SeaWorld in Queensland.

Some of the criticism was, to be fair, misplaced, as people had assumed that he Australian theme park was connected to the American business which keeps orcas in tiny boxes for the entertainment of the paying public.

Sam issued a statement to reassure everyone:

Seaworld Australia and Seaworld America are two very different things. Please remember this guys x

So, that's alright, then, yes?

Well... no.

It's true they're not the same business, but they have the same problem, and simply because the Australian business doesn't have orcas doesn't mean they're alright.

For a start, they keep dolphins in captivity and make them perform for gawking lollygaggers - and that's never an acceptable thing. WDC are unequivocal on this:

Whales and dolphins are highly intelligent animals who want and need to live in complex social groups. In captivity they will usually have been separated from their families, often in cruel hunts and some when they are very young.

Wild whales and dolphins can swim up to 100 miles a day, hunting and playing. In captivity they have very little space and cannot behave naturally. A concrete tank can never replace their ocean home.

Captive whales and dolphins have been trained to perform tricks, day after day, for food as a reward instead of behaving naturally. When not performing, they are often kept in holding tanks smaller than show pools. Confining animals together that may not get on can result in stress and aggression with no possible escape.

Sea World Australia also has polar bears - and ZooCheck isn't impressed with that:

Polar bears have long been known as a species that is especially prone to the development
of abnormal behaviour patterns in captivity. These usually manifest themselves as
stereotypic pacing, head turning and swimming patterns. Stereotypies are prolonged,
repetititve, apparently purposeless behaviours that do not occur in the wild. They are
usually associated with substandard conditions and poor welfare.

Even zoos with the largest budgets have difficulty keeping polar bears free of stereotypic
behaviours. Sea World San Diego has not been able to stop the development of stereotypies in their polar bears despite spending millions of dollars on their polar bear
exhibit. Sea World Gold Coast Australia has had the same experience.

The Calgary Zoo in
Alberta and the Central Park Wildlife Centre in New York have put polar bears on prozac
to reduce abnormal behaviour patterns.

So, yes, Sam Smith. It's a very different thing, except in the ways that matter.

Ed Sheeran cuts prices

It goes against the very grain of every fibre of my existence to say something nice about Ed Sheeran, but... doing a tour of Australia where the ticket prices are designed to be affordable rather than gouging the fans is a Nice Thing To Do:

ED Sheeran has announced an Australian arena tour on his lonesome and on a budget.

Sheeran will charge only $99 for tickets for all concerts on his April/May tour next year, with none of the usual VIP packages or premium seating charges.

Although that is still the equivalent of fifty-three British pounds for a ticket, so it's a rather stretchy definition of "affordable" (roughly a full day's work at Australian minimum wage levels, for example).

And given that it's just him and a guitar and no band, the costs are pretty low to start with.

But - even with those points in mind, and somewhat grudgingly - the excising of 'even more expensive tickets' is a welcome move. Everyone's being a bit overcharged, but everyone's being a bit overcharged by the same amount.

South Korea takes public domain content back into copyright

Another victory for gloabalisation: In order to allow Australian businesses to swallow up South Korean assets ("to seal a free trade agreement"), the two countries have agreed to harmonise their copyright rules.

Currently, in Australia, copyright is "life of author + 70 years". In South Korea, it's "life of author + 50 years".

Guess which direction the harmonisation is running. Go on, guess.

Yes, great news for the corpses of South Korean artists: their ability to earn money while they're decomposing has been extended another 20 years.

A mouldering corpse in Suwon said "this is brilliant news. Obviously, having had all my flesh long since eaten by worms, I have to spend a lot of money on clothes to keep my skeleton warm. I look forward to getting royalty cheques long into the future. Does this still apply if the North invade?"

Triple J killing Australian music, or possibly reflecting moribund music scene

There's a battle going on in Australia between Triple J, the "youth" radio station, and some other parts of the media.

It started last week when The Age "investigated" the station:

Triple J is [...] the most supportive of emerging Australian artists, with an average weekly reach of 1.8 million listeners across the country.

It's popular and supports emerging artists. That's a good thing, right?

Hang on a moment, though. The Age is published by a commercial media organisation, Fairfax. Triple J is part of the public broadcaster ABC. It is scientifically impossible for a commercial media organisation to look at a public broadcaster and report that things are going well.

For The Age, then, Triple J has a 'sound'. New bands form, and either through a shrewd desire to please the station, or else from having absorbed this sound growing up, the bands all mould to fit that sound.

Meanwhile, because it's good at what it does, the station's popularity is growing, and thus its taste becomes the dominant taste in the marketplace:

The Basics’ Kris Schroeder says: ‘‘Basically if you put it in a metaphor of the stockmarket, Triple J is the insider that says ‘Buy these shares’ and everybody rushes to buy them. There’s stuff that just falls by the wayside consequentially. It’s about alternatives and there aren’t many alternatives in this business because most people prefer to be followers rather than leaders.

‘‘It’s just a shame that the industry is so obsessed with the decisions that a couple of people [at Triple J] make,’’ he says.

‘‘Maybe if the industry wasn’t so f---ing lazy and so narrow-minded ... the industry itself needs a shake-up.’’

Oddly, although The Age ends on that suggestion that the problem is that music is lazy, the headline still focuses on the idea that the problem is the station, not the culture in which it operates.

In its fightback, Triple J is quick to blame the artists:

Station Manager Chris[Station Manager Chris] “We’d much prefer bands to go out and find their own style. There are so many exciting new artists out there at the moment, doing their own thing and making something quite unique, it’s really exciting. We’re never looking for one particular sound, we’re looking for songs that stand out and resonate with our audience. Basically we’re looking for good music, as shown by the range of artists and styles currently played on triple j.”

Yes, that's a radio station doing the 'we just play what we play and if anyone else likes it it's a bonus' line.

It's hard to know where the truth sits, although experience suggests it will probably be closer to the side that isn't a massive media conglomerate.

Triple J is growing an audience in a competitive market, and while that could purely be down to the muscle of a national broadcaster, it seems unlikely that if the audience didn't want the bands they'd turn up in such large numbers. And "the state broadcaster is supporting dozens and dozens of new artists" is an odd complaint.

Even if Triple J closed tomorrow, there'd still be some dominant force where the audience would gather. Surely?

Katy Perry: Putting the very planet in peril

Katy Perry's Prism album comes with a piece of paper encrusted with seeds. Plant this album.

It's turned out to be a terrible idea, though - not just because it's a rip-off of Richard Brautigan's 1968 poetry book, but because it's dangerous. A letter in the Guardian at the weekend from the International Plant Protection Convention explains:

Regrettably, the album was manufactured and sold internationally along with seeds of unidentified origin, which has caught the attention of the IPPC and our member national plant protection organisations around the world. Although the distribution of seeds by Ms Perry, as evidenced by her Twitter account, was to "spread the light", our work focuses on ensuring the safe trade of plants and plant products and, most importantly, protecting plants from harmful pests and diseases to protect food production and the environment.

We cannot turn a blind eye to Prism and its possible repercussions. Seeds could easily introduce an invasive new species to an environment, like the wood-boring beetle, resulting in widespread destruction. Depending on the species of flower inside Prism's seed paper, the risks may be small, but commercial movement of seeds into many countries is subject to assessment of those risks, restrictions and prohibitions. The introduction of pests can results in millions of dollars in damage, and some pests can never be eradicated.

An album promo campaign which never, ever stops eating all your seed corn. Puts Avril Lavigne doing interviews pretending to still be 16 in a kindlier light, doesn't it?

Australia has already flagged the record as a biosecurity hazard, and while they're taking it seriously, they can't hide a ripple of excitement that there's finally a showbiz glow attached to the normally grey world of not destroying the planet:

[Vanessa Findlay, Australia's chief plant protection officer] says she cannot recall a time where the Department of Agriculture and pop music have crossed paths.

"It's caused quite a stir around here. We've had lot of people walking around the halls talking about the Katy Perry CD," she said.

"Most people are excited to think that there's an attachment between biosecurity and someone as popular as Katy Perry."

And she says employees with kids have found themselves the source of some unexpected attention.

"I think most of us are famous at schools around Australia at the moment because [kids are saying] 'my mum and dad are working with Katy Perry'," she said.

And, hey, if it takes a beetle destroying Australia to make that happen, that's a price worth paying, right?

Geri Halliwell: Who judges the judges?

It's been a while since we heard from Geri Halliwell, who older readers might remember used to be in the Spice Girls (or Little Mix: The Wilderness Years, as they're now known.)

She's been attempting to relaunch her career by following the Father, Dear Father model - once your popularity in the UK has waned, decamp to Australia and hope they haven't noticed.

So, how has it been going? Digital Spy... do you know?

'Half of Me' sold less than 400 copies in Australia, where Halliwell currently lives and works as a judge on Australia's Got Talent.

Oh.

(I think, if MIA feels her sales don't make her qualified to be called a pop star, Geri might have to consider what her job title would be.)

Awkwardly, Geri had been planning to do the single on Australia's Got Talent this week, but now she isn't:

"So for the final show of Australia's Got Talent – I asked myself what are my options? (They were expecting me to perform the new single) Could I still perform the song at #94? I could pretend it hasn't happened? Denial? Hide my disappointment? Unleash the fighter... Sing the song with 'magnificent' gusto doing my best to promote back it up the charts… Maybe I could get it to a respectful number '30'? Or even '60'?

"But is this me now? To keep pushing, so my pride wouldn't feel so hurt? Or maybe I admit this song just hasn't connected?"

Obviously you couldn't do the song, Geri - you'd become the first judge in talent show history to be voted off her own programme. Do a Spice Girls one. At least give the audience the chance to go "ohhhhhhh... that's who she was..."

How is Julian Assange coping holed up in the embassy?

It depends, I guess, on whether you see "doing an Australian election video by dressing up as John Farnham" as coping or not, really:

Two parts "cry for help" to one part "too much time on your hands", I'd suggest.

Azealia Banks believes the Stone Roses are out to get her

See, this is what happens when you give in to the temptation of cash and reunite: you go from being mystical and magical and wind up as a punchline in somebody else's comedy spat. The Stone Roses are being accused by Azealia Banks of sabotaging her set at some random music festival in Australia. Rolling Stone reports:

"Big apologies on behalf of the stone roses to my fans at the festival today," Banks tweeted in the opening shot of her rant. "My ex tour manager made a pact with the stone roses saying they'd sabotage my set because I fired him.. And they decided to check their equipment behind me during my set. Fuck those old saggy white n***as stone roses. I wish them nothing but excrement and death."

I'm not entirely clear what would have been in this deal for the Roses, to be honest. They've never noticaebly been fond of music industry managers, so it seems to be an extraordinary favour to do for somebody.

Aha! But Banks tries to frame the claims as being part of some sort of misogynistic-racist plot:

"Wow! I must really fucking be a superstar... You've got an established band trying to sabotage my lil rap bitch shine," she wrote. "Wow a bunch of old white men trying to bully a young black girl.... What the fuck else is new in this world ???"

So, she wishes "nothing but excrement and death" on the Roses. Which, funnily enough, is pretty much what the reviews for The Second Coming described it as.

Sounds like Craig Nicholls isn't having a good time of it again

The sad lurch of Craig Nicholls' life takes another sideways, backwards stumble: he's been arrested after fighting with his parents and police. The Sydney Morning Herald reports:

Nicholls was arrested and charged with five offences, including two counts of domestic assault, stalking or intimidation, resisting arrest and assault occasioning actual bodily harm.

His parents took out an AVO and he is expected to appear before Sutherland Local Court tomorrow.

All in all, it's a terrible loss for music; but what music has lost obviously doesn't compare with what Craig has lost.

King B-Fine fine with homosexuality

Towards the end of last year, King B-Fine's Jah No Dead generated a rage-whorl in the Australian queer community. The run-out of the track called for killing of chi-chi men; when cornered, B-Fine claimed that he was using the term to mean bad people generally, and not gay men:

“Greetings in the name of Jah Rastafari, I would like to make myself clear; in this new video clip, at the end of the video I sing burn down (Chi Chi Man) and I want to make myself clear in that what I mean is to burn down all the bad people, (child molesters, gangsters, rapist, people who destroy the life of another), please everyone am sorry if what you understand was wrong, but I have nothing against same sex, please don’t get me wrong. I believe that everyone is equal. One love.”

Not everyone was convinced by this - it seemed as unlikely as any of Morrissey's desperate attempts to explain how he was being misunderstood, but since then Fine has appeared pretty genuine in his attempts to prove that, even if he meant killing gays at the time, he's over that now:



He's convinced Peter Tatchell that his recanting is genuine. And if you can convice Peter Tatchell, you're either lying incredibly well or genuine.

Jesus 1, Metal 0

It turns out that Christians have given up on the power of prayer, figuring that Facebook is a lot more responsive than God when you've got a mission. They've taken to social networking in order to get a black metal festival axed.

The Christians - marching unto war under the banner Catholics Taking Action - took against the Sydney Black Mass Festival:

According to their page, "a satanic "Black Mass" celebration is to occur at Newtown RSL – it is simply disgraceful. The advertising which features the insignia of the Church of Satan and an inverted crucifix is encouraging people to come and partake in an "unholy spell to be cast upon the city of Sydney" featuring the "ultimate of soul possessing occult revelations...unbridled blasphemy... [and] a union of all things unholy".

Oh, bless them. They actually think that black metal fans believe all the devil stuff. I guess if you thought that, you might find the whole thing a bit alarming.

Anyway, some form protest letters later, and the unbridled blasphemy has been thrown off the venue, and so now won't go ahead. Because, obviously, satanists will just stop inverting crucifixes if they can't get a stage.

[Thanks to Karl T for the link]

Glastonbury 2010: Prince Charles headlines

There's some stuff in the papers today about Prince Charles causing some embarrassment at Glastonbury.

The idea of Charles tramping round Glastonbury, surely, is embarrassing enough - although now he's amazingly discovered that he's amazingly related to Robert Patinson off The Cosby Vampires, maybe he's trying to dig deeper into pop culture.

Still, this is supposedly the big gaffe:

Prince Charles put his foot in it at the Glastonbury Festival yesterday when he asked an Australian if he was an illegal immigrant.

The prince made the remark to Nick Wardle, 22, during a visit to the site of this weekend's music extravaganza in Somerset.

Cheeky Nick approached the prince and said: "Hello mate, I'm Nick from Australia. I'm working at the festival."

Prince Charles replied: "I would never have guessed. I hope you have a permit to work over here."

In other words, he didn't accuse anyone of being an illegal immigrant. He didn't even accuse anyone of being an undocumented worker. What this appears to be, instead, is Charles having a crack at topical humour. Clunking, mildly offensive topical humour, perhaps, but if ITV was still doing NewsKnight, the Prince would certainly have been booked.

Nick Wardle, sharp as a knife, shot back "I know, it's terrible when someone comes from overseas and steals the top jobs. Like, our Head Of State doesn't even live in the bloody country."

Actually, he didn't:

Nick replied: "Yes I do, mate."

Nick told the Mirror he thought it was funny, but that doesn't seem to have stopped the paper going on about it being a gaffe.

Mind you, there could be some mileage in this idea - George Osborne's looking for ways to fund the corporation tax cuts he's got planned; royals meet lots of people. Getting them to check people's papers as they go around could save a fortune. I look forward to the Queen going along the line at the Royal Variety: "Hello - you're not claiming benefits too, are you? Hello, can I check your tax return..."

"If you keep pushing, nobody will get a Justin Bieber gig."

Diddyman Justin Bieber had a free gig in Australia axed at the last minute because everyone was pushing to try and see him.

Perhaps if they'd sent a larger pop star, people at the back might have been able to get a decent view without having to shove.

AC/DC: Rolling in it

Which Australian entertainers make the most money? Well, yes, the headline on this post might give it away a little: AC/DC have taken back the top spot from, erm, The Wiggles.

The Age reckon that the ninefold increase in AC/DC fortunes might be down to it being grim for the rest of us:

Some of AC/DC’s hits over the years have coincided with the depths of the economic cycle, such as their successes during the recessions of the 1970s and 1980s. The band released its Black Ice album in October last year just as governments around the world rushed out emergency spending to avert a financial meltdown. The band’s contribution was to embark on a 17-month world tour.

I'm not entirely sure that the band were interested in bailing out anyone but themselves, but it's an interesting idea. Why waste all that money on complex computer models to predict the economy, when all you need to do to spot a downturn is ask Angus Young's tailor if he's letting out the waist on the schoolboy shorts again.

No V in Oz - perhaps

The global facsimile V Festivals looks like it has reached the high water mark and is now busily receding, as Australian co-promoter Michael Coppel Presents have pulled out. MCP seem to be planning to carry on doing festivals, just no longer in collaboration with the alien-remake-overlords of V.

Gordon in the morning: Remembering Robbie Williams

Lord, it must be days since Gordon filed a story - or something a bit like a story - to remind us that Robbie Williams is about to release another record.

Luckily, he's got something today, more or less:

move to the Land Down Under.

The singer has said he is looking for a farm or beachfront retreat in Oz after a premonition by his girlfriend AYDA FIELD.

Really? Or... could this just be line he's spinning to Australia to try and shore up his market there?

Robbie mentioned the move on Australia's biggest breakfast radio show on station 2DayFM, which is being guest-hosted by DANNII MINOGUE.

How great must it be to have Dannii Minogue as your holiday cover? You'd never get that nasty feeling on the third day of "what if my cover is better than me at my job", would you?

Oh... hang on, did you say Robbie is thinking of moving to Australia, Gordon? Doesn't that require some lazy cliche?

In fairness to him, it's a wise move.

The chances of throwing another shrimp on the barbie in the sleepy Wiltshire village he now calls home are slim now autumn is here.

The inability to grill seafood outdoors after the trees start to turn is absolutely the best reason to move thousands and thousands of miles.

But this isn't really about Australia, or even barbecues, is it, Gordon?

nd he told Dannii that a track on his new album, Reality Killed The Video Star, which is out on November 9, is about his stunning missus.

Ah, that's the money shot. One last piece of Australian cliche for luck?

Fair dinkum, mate.

Thank you.