This just in: Nobody got nothing at the Brits

Some happy news this afternoon, as the testing for the Brits' live event has been completed, and <a href="https://www.musicweek.com/live/read/brits-boost-for-return-of-live-music-in-june-as-test-event-records-zero-covid-cases/083355">nobody got coronavirus as a result of being near Lewis Capaldi</a>.

Given how many previous Brits Award shows have left so many people feeling sick, this is a solid demonstration of what happens when you don't ask James Corden to host. Oh, and run a covid-aware event.

Liveblog: Brits 2017

6.25
You can't keep a good blog down. You're equally unable, it appears, to keep a terrible blog down, and into that latter category falls the 2017 No Rock & Roll Fun Brits liveblog. Hello, everybody.


6.30
This year, we're back at the cavernous, soulless O2, but there's been a change onstage. Out goes Ant n Dec - let's hope they took the Brits Head of Antics with them too. In their place comes Dermot O'Leary. Dermot is a surprising choice of host for the Brits, in that he's a good presenter, charming company and - although he's going to be made to do a bit of business during the show - he'll be able to carry it off.

Oh, and Emma Willis is there too.

(Actually, although Emma Willis isn't the greatest presenter, at least someone at Brits HQ has remembered that women are capable of holding a microphone - there hasn't been a female presenter since Kylie in 2009.)

It wasn't meant to be Dermot though, with or without Emma. The original plan had been for Michael Buble to host. Buble cancelled because his son is seriously ill, which cramps the opportunity to be snarky about it.

Buble could have worked as a host - like James Blunt and Josh Groban, regardless of what you think about their ability to clear a room with their music - they're entertaining when being themselves. But two and a half hours of warm self-deprecation might have been pushing it.

6.31
The "Red carpet" is just starting on ITV2 - which is the sort of phrase that drains the soul, isn't it?

There's an hour of red carpet, so they're going to have to hassle them down the pathway.

6.32
ITV2 show a lot of adverts, don't they?

6.35
They're showing a look back at last year's Brits, "in case you've forgotten". In the way it's possible some people have forgotten the Blitz.

They nearly cut Ant & Dec out of it entirely.

6.36
Ed Sheeran is being grilled about what's going to be in store for his performance. "I've got a few things up my sleeve" he says, not especially mysteriously.

6.38
Ed's looking forward to seeing Skepta. This is as dull an interview as you'd expect.

On another part of the carpet, James Arthur is also being dull. He'd never have thought it would have been possible. And something or other is "one million per cent".

6.41
It's Little Mix. They can't believe how many nominations they've got. It's mental, apparently.

The Mix are promising "a completely different thing we've never done before". Singing in tune, maybe.

Are the dance routines going to be "quite saucy"?

They won't say.

This is illuminating stuff.

It's odd that the Brits have stuck with ITV, isn't it? ITV isn't really the home of Top Quality Awards any more - they've never had the Oscars; gave up on the BAFTAs and even the British Comedy Awards has gone elsehwere. The Brits now sits alongside that one where Carol Vorderman gives prizes to sick kiddies and what feels like a dozen events sponsored by third-tier TV listings mags which exist to give an excuse for Kym Marsh to squeeze into a couture boob tube, and for Helen Flanagan to fall out of similar.

6.45
Crisps, says an ad, are a big deal at Asda. That's the biggest newsline so far this evening.

They're talking about the Zaha Hadid Brits statues now, because you know how an ITV2 audience loves architectural talk.

6.50
Ellie Goulding's turned up and actually is trying to talk about music.

Along the corridor, Craig David is showing off his trainers. It's been sixteen years since he was last nominated and he hasn't really come up with anything to say in the meantime. "It's a prestigious award - as a kid growing up you always dreamed of the awards." Really? Kids dreaming of playing a poorly laid-out cave full of elderly men eating beef wellington? That's the dream?

6.55
Rag N Bone man now - "I don't usually wear a whistle, normally". Yeah, judging by the state of the jacket, that's a safe bet.

This, though, is a suit:

.@WileyUpdates' #BRITs suit 👌 pic.twitter.com/ornPdTUzZ0

— NME (@NME) February 22, 2017

Rag N Bone is now talking about Ian Beale. That's how magic this evening is.

Next up, Blossoms - who look like The Wonder Stuff have just been released from six weeks being held hostage. They look a bit awkward.

7.00
More ads.

7.05
Christine And The Queens - "I'm expecting a great show" she says. Clearly they've never shown this in France, then.

"I'm just happy to be nominated" she says, "it's already winning to be amongst the category of powerful ladies."

The Category Of Powerful Ladies is a Alan Moore book waiting to be written.

Rita Ora trots up, four times nominated and never a win. She says her outfit is "emerald queen of the forest" but it looks like a Vajazzled ill-fitting camo jacket.

7.09
Emeli Sande, like all the other performers, is refusing to reveal the secret for her performance this evening. It's a parade of wait and see.

A note on diversity: this year's shortlist seems a little more adventurous than in previous years, but still less diverse than, for example, the Top 40 is. You can see they've tried, though. Sadly, it's like when Donald Trump finally manages to denounce anti-Semitism - knowing how hard the world had to push to get them there rather undermines the power of the message.

7.11
Stormzy actually looks really good in his suit. If you're going to do a suit, people, do a suit. Don't do it apologetically or ironically. That's the rule.

He's been challenged to get a selfie with Little Mix, which is a bit like challenging someone shoeless in the Arctic to get frostbite.

7.15
For fucks sake, the 1975 have turned up cosplaying Interview With The Vampire.

7.22
I'm frying eggs while Whiley is being very excited about being on TV - he's the first person who seems genuniely thrilled to be here.

7.27
Katy Perry is a consumate professional - she says as little as most of the other guests, but is able to disguise it.

She's into a rambling story about snot and Natalie Imbruglia.

7.30
Somehow the Red Carpet programme has managed to over run. Lets shoot over to ITV...

Robbie's star has sunk so low he's reduced to doing the Mastercard break bumpers this year.

7.33
Dermot O'Leary (and Emma Willis) is stood on top of the O2 to start the programme. With Williams, Mars and Sande in the line-up, you might choose to stay there, mate.

Little Mix are being carried onto the stage by what looks like those people who paint themselves silver and stand around at Covent Garden. The band themselves are wearing what would happen if Kwik Fit tried to make Beyonce's outfits out of used tyres.

This is Shout Out My Ex, which is one of the last year's best pop songs, to be fair.

And it's not The Saturdays.

Dermot's doing that thing where he sucks his finger and looks puzzled. And Emma's reading an autocue.

All everyone's love is being sent to Michael Buble - there was some genuine applause but in the cavernous O2 it sounded a little underwhelming.

Dermot's doing that thing where he shoves his fist into his mouth.

They're doing the social voting thing for best artist again this year, which is touching faith in democracy in the year we've just had.

7.41
David Tennant. Swoon. He's doing the female solo artist. Not like that.

Nom list:
Ellie Goulding
Anohni
Emeli Sandé
Lianne La Havas
Nao

Emeli Sande has won, which suggests we're in for a night of the dullest lack of surprises ever.

7.42
That's a long walk to the stage for everyone tonight. Lots of coverage of walking.

Emeli mumbles something about the journey. She's brought her sister on stage with her, and thanks the rest of the family for good measure.

Actually maybe everyone else is getting thanked.

7.45
Oh. Already on to the adverts.

God, I despise that #fooddancing thing - you just know the phrase "the Great British Public" was uttered while it was being thought-swamped out of an advertising meeting

7.49
They're trailing The Voice during this. The words "are you a glutton for punishment" are implied.

Dermot just said the O2 is one of the great music venues, except it's not, is it? Apart from being the only place that size with a roof, it's not got much going for it.

Bruno Mars is dressed as New Edition tonight. We've got it if we want it, he tells us. Actually we're lumbered with it whether we like it or not.

7.54
Is "that's not showy" a compliment? If it is, that's the nicest thing I can say about this.

Mars is now telling the ladies he's going to break it down, because it's that part of the song.

7.55
Emma Willis loves Bruno Mars.

Maisie Williams and Romesh Ranganathan are here for the best band. Maisie has apparently come from touching up the paint in the bathrooms.

Noms:
The 1975
Bastille
Biffy Clyro
Little Mix
Radiohead

Little Mix versus Thom Yorke.

It's hard to say who'll win out the two bands playing tonight.

The 1975 win it.

This is, it turns out, mental. "The reason we're here is because of our album." Well, yes, that's how it works.

It's been fifteen minutes since the adverts. So lets have some more, then.

Samsung are showing the quality assurance process their phones go through. Even the ones which catch fire, presumably.

8.03
Just two hours left, everyone. Just two hours. Just...

Dermot is in the crowd of (probably) Brits School kids

Oh, yes, that is who they are.

Emma's been left on the stage to cue up Zane Lowe doing male solo artist. Zane Lowe!

Noms:
Kano
David Bowie
Craig David
Michael Kiwanuka
Skepta

David Bowie has won it. He hasn't turned up. "If David Bowie was here tonight, he wouldn't be here tonight" says Michael C Hall, picking up the prize.

8.08
"Lovely stuff" says Dermot, uncertain how to segue into Emeli Sande playing live.

They keep insisting that Emeli Sande has been away for four years, but she seems to have been everywhere all the time, and this song seems to be the same one she was doing during the Olympics, so how does that work?

8.11
Sande has dressed her dancers in the frumpiest outfits I have ever seen anyone dance in, and that includes that time one of Queen dressed up as Ena Sharples.

8.12
The clock says it was four minutes, but that felt a lot more like half of my remaining life dripping away during it.

"She is a firecracker" says Emma Willis, confusing competence with incandescence.

Oh, another break.

8.17
Breakthrough Award time. Rita Ora is doing the honours for this one, accompanied by The Sliding Rajar himself, Nick Grimshaw.

Noms:
Anne-Marie
Blossoms
Rag'n'Bone Man
Skepta
Stormzy

It should either be Skepta or Stormzy, but the dunderheads at the Brits are going to give it to Raggedy Boneman, aren't they?

Yes. Inevitably they do.

8.20
Apparently Ragged Bowman spent ten weeks at number one in Germany, which probably isn't going to help us with the Brexit negotiations.

He's unable to busk a thank you speech.

Back on the floor, Dermot is sitting at Ed Sheeran's table for a little chitty-chat.

And now The 1975 are taking to the stage to literally earn the award they've been given. They've brought a large gospel choir with them to... well, really, just to make the sides of stage seem a lot less empty as they're not really high enough in the mix to do anything much else. They could have done pot plants and lamps for a third of the budget.

They're flashing up some critical messages on a disgusting salmon pink background - I suspect it's intended as a 'ha! fuck you' to anyone who's criticised them in the past, but it actually comes across a little needy. "Trying too hard" reads one of the cards - and, yeah, that's actually valid criticism here.

A couple might have been wry, but spending so much time throwing them on the screen felt a little... well... like this:

"And now we move onto the liars..."

8.26
"It's time for a break." Of course it is.

8.27
The Brits, traditionally, doesn't have a 'those we have lost' section - presumably because back in the early days, pop star death was still quite rare and it was still a (relatively) young person's game, so there simply weren't enough stiffs to populate a three minute montage over Annie Lennox doing 'Where Have All The Flowers Gone'.

The movie industry - and the more classic-inclusive Grammys - have always had enough losses to justify a special departure gate.

This year, with Bowie and Leonard Cohen amongst the nominees, should be the one that makes the organisers realise it's time for a pause to remember those who died during the year. At the moment, we get the odd splash for very big names, but many significant figures are allowed to slip away without even a mention. It's right to give thanks for George Michael, but there should be room for Rick Parfitt, too.

8.31
If you must celebrate a rag & bone man... try this:


8.32
And they have done a full memorial section. Although the names are crowded on the screen so it's more like a video game than a moment of reflection.

8.34
Ridgeley, Pepsi and Shirley have come on stage to pay tribute to George. Andrew looks more like Philip Green these days, it turns out.

It's nice to see all three of them on stage together again. It's easy to forget there was a time that Wham were presented as a four-piece....

8.37
Shirley talking about how a label gave the young band a chance, although the way Michael was screwed over by the labels probably not the best of memories.

Shirley's breaking down a bit.

This is quite a long talky bit.

They're bringing on Chris Martin to do A Different Corner, which is a bit like a tribute to Red Rum ending with the pantomime horse from Rentaghost running about the stage.

Martin is murdering this.

8.42
Chris Martin is pouring All The Emotions(TM) into this, like a man who bought a big tub of Emotions at Costco and is prepared to use it in one go.

8.44
"If I could, I would, I swear" says Chris Martin. But you can't, so you shouldn't, I'm afraid.

8.45
Ghostly bit of Prince saying "George Michael" on the big screen.

And then it's off to more adverts.

8.47
Meanwhile, it turns out that The 1975 might not have the smartest fans:

What plank would do that to the 1975? Ye alright you hacked something but they just won a brit. Jokes on you. #BRITs2017

— Zoe Smith (@zoeksmith14) February 22, 2017

when you think the Brits have been hacked but rly @the1975 are too edgy 4 u https://t.co/R3PwkoUsrf

— Immy (@immy_gill) February 22, 2017

Did ITV really get hacked during The 1975 performance??? How pathetic

— Aliceyears (@JustADreamer10) February 22, 2017

Yeah. Not hacked. Not really that edgy, either, come to that.

The fact that people think ITV was hacked is testament to how genius @the1975 truly are. Talk about getting people's attention 👌👌

— Siobhan. (@siobhan_varty) February 22, 2017

8.50
British single time...

Here's the noms:
Alan Walker – "Faded"
Calum Scott - "Dancing On My Own"
Calvin Harris featuring Rihanna – "This Is What You Came For"
Clean Bandit featuring Sean Paul & Anne-Marie – "Rockabye"
Coldplay – "Hymn for the Weekend"
James Arthur – "Say You Won't Let Go"
Jonas Blue featuring Dakota – "Fast Car"
Little Mix – "Shout Out to My Ex"
Tinie Tempah featuring Zara Larsson – "Girls Like"
ZAYN – "Pillowtalk"

Holly and Fearne are on ("both named after plants" says Emma helpfully) to do the honours.

8.52
Little Mix have won it. I suspect based on the options available, that's as good as it could be.

They manage to get lost heading from the audience to the stage, which is quite a feat.

A shot of Cowell sitting in the gloom, chewing and nodding.

8.55
Katy Perry being thrown on to stop people turning over at the 9pm programme junction. She appears to have got trapped in Bekconscot Model Village.

The houses are dancing with her which is at least better than just throwing human dancers at the stage in a bid to fill the space. Visually, it works pretty well.

Pretty the song is like half a No Doubt b-side masquerading as Romania's Eurovision entry.

There's two enormous dancing skeletons on the stage with her now. And Skip Marley, who isn't a giant skeleton.

Now the houses have legs.

9.00
Jonathan Ross - remember him? - has come on to give the Special Prize Allowing Us To Give A Prize To Someone We Like Award.

(Adele, and Global Success.)

Adele picks up the prize on video because she's a global success and doesn't need to turn up to shit like this.

9.04
Emma Willis is down at the table with Rog n Bowlmen. Dermot is also there. Remember the name - Rag n Bone Man will be the subject of 2022 Where Are The Now pieces.

9.05
Skepta is taking to the stage. No dancing houses. Oh, and ITV are muting the swearing which kind of misses the point of showing the programme.

They are putting 'Audio muted' on the screen, though, so 1975 fans don't think its ITV being hacked again.

So far, he's responding to the massive stage by moving around it and being good.

9.08
No dancing houses. No choir. Just lights and charisma.

9.09
British video vote is now closed. Your chance to shape destiny is over, unless the House Of Lords can slip something into the Article 50 Bill before it returns to the Commons.

9.10
Oh... the skeletons with Katy Perry were meant to be Trump and May? Missed that little bit of politics there; I assumed it was some sort of oblique reference to Pink Floyd.

9.13
It's international male awards time - Clara Amfo, Alice Levine & Laura Jackson, who had been doing the red carpet earlier. "You're doing a great job" they tell Dermot and Emma. Like being applauded by the B-team.

Noms:
Bon Iver
Bruno Mars
Drake
Leonard Cohen
The Weeknd

Drake has won it. Not Bruno Mars. Not Mars, who turned up and did a song. Drake isn't even in the O2. He's not even in Greenwich. This is the closest thing we have to an upset.

The same trio do international female and international group - they don't even bother to read the nominations out.

Beyoncé
Christine and the Queens
Rihanna
Sia
Solange

and then

A Tribe Called Quest
Drake and Future
Kings of Leon
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Twenty One Pilots

Beyonce and Tribe win. Not even a VT of them pretending to be delighted.

And before you can even go 'A Tribe Called...', it's the big reveal of the secret collaboration.

Coldplay and Chainsmokers. "We had to sign the official secrets act" trills Emma, apparently unaware that Stereogum announced the collaboration an hour ago.

9.20
Chris Martin gets mobbed by the crowd. But they let him go to finish the song.

This is as dull as you'd expect it to be.

Let's just focus on how they gave an award to Beyonce and didn't play a single fucking note of her music, shall we? Why the hell did the Best International Male get their nominations treated like a proper award and the female shortlist didn't even have their names read out?

Did Christine And The Queens know that was going to happen when she suffered the foolish Red Carpet interview earlier?

9.25

@katyperry. You win. 👌🏻😩 #CTTR #BRITs2017 pic.twitter.com/6eYj3TWadJ

— JAMES GOLEY (@jamesgoley) February 22, 2017

When you see it like that, it makes sense.

9.27
Video award time. Remember, it was our votes that counted. If we voted.

Simon Cowell and Nicole out the yoghurt ads are presenting this one. Neither of them really seem to know what they're meant to be doing.

Here's the shortlist:
Adele – "Send My Love (To Your New Lover)"
Coldplay – "Hymn for the Weekend"
James Arthur – "Say You Won't Let Go"
Little Mix featuring Sean Paul – "Hair"
One Direction – "History"
ZAYN – "Pillowtalk"
Clean Bandit featuring Sean Paul & Anne-Marie – "Rockabye"
Jonas Blue featuring Dakota – "Fast Car"
Calvin Harris featuring Rihanna – "This Is What You Came For"
Tinie Tempah featuring Zara Larsson – "Girls Like"

The winner is... One Direction. Of course. It might be a surprise for those of us who assumed they'd already been broken up for parts.

9.30
Simon Cowell starts bellowing thank yous over the top, forgetting that he's meant to be awarding, not accepting. How did ITV get him to present in a category where there was a chance one of his puppety figures would win?

9.32
Ed Sheeran's here to sing us all a song now. As usual, he's so bland he's making James Blunt sound like Little Richard.

9.36
Stormzy's joined him. It's not really helped. Like putting horseradish sauce on a bit of luncheon meat.

9.37
There doesn't really feel like there's any forward motion to this show - it's not just they're building to Robbie Williams as if that was a big finish, but there's not really any energy. Even when one of the acts manages to spark life into the O2, it vanishes before they make it to the next ad break.

9.40

Propa Bo-wie: Craig David reveals that David Bowie was a secret fan of his music at the #Brits https://t.co/Rt8NV9tRjn pic.twitter.com/UPlfbsRa03

— NME (@NME) February 22, 2017

This is as credible as his claim he was making love by Wednesday.

9.41
Well, we're in the final stretch. Lets hold it together.

Last award is for Album of the year...

The 1975 – I Like It When You Sleep, for You Are So Beautiful yet So Unaware of It
David Bowie – Blackstar
Kano – Made in the Manor
Michael Kiwanuka – Love & Hate
Skepta – Konnichiwa

Oh, just when you thought it couldn't get worse, Noel Gallagher (a "stick it to the man rockstar" according to Emma) shuffles on to do the prize giving bit.

David Bowie wins it, and Duncan Jones comes to pick up his Dad's prize.

"He's always been there for people who think they're a little bit strange" says Duncan of his Dad. (And there for Craig David,too)

It's Emma's turn to fumble the switch from a heartfelt tribute to next award.

We're now moving to hearing why Robbie Williams won the third-ever Icon award. It would be a stretch at any time, but straight after a prize for an album fizzling with ideas which David Bowie recorded while he was dying, it's a hollow joke.

9.47
Look at him, sauntering along the catwalk with a smug grin, like British Music's own Nigel Farage.

9.49
"It's nearly over, you can nearly go home" says Williams, although the smarter attendees will already be halfway down the North Greenwich Station stairs by now.

"I love my life - I am powerful; I am beautiful; I am free" honks Williams. Half expecting him to end with "dial this number and ask me how".

Robbie Williams' last single peaked at 22. That's not really icon-esque.

His performance fizzles out and, oddly - for the first time in living memory - the Brits has under-run. So they're playing Shout Out To My Ex for the 16,223rd time this evening.

9.54
The standout moment, I think, was Duncan Jones tribute to his dad. The Wham bit was heartfelt, and a bit rough around the edges, and it's not often you see something so genuine at the Brits.

The lowlights are too numerous to revisit, but a double dose of Chris Martin stands out as inexplicably cruel.

But the worst thing is the shoddy treatment of the International Women prize. I know giving an award to Beyonce just throws shade over many of the other prize winners - like a glass of brandy surrounded by a table of shandies - but couldn't they at least have made a little more of it?

Thanks for reading. Back for Eurovision, if not before.

Liveblog: Brits 2016

6.30pm

Imagine if the Grammys took place in a room where all the air had been sucked out of it. And imagine if before the air was sucked out the room, the budget was cut by 95%. Oh, and James Bay was put at the heart of things.

You don't need to imagine that. Because it's happening! Tonight!

And we'll be there (or here) for the all-important Brits liveblog. At this URL.

7.58pm
So what can we expect this year? The Brits Chair says that amongst his ideal moments was Jarvis rushing Jacko's stage.

You'll recall the Brits loved that so much at the time they had Jarvis arrested.

Last year, there was a genuine talking point moment, but if your awards are relying on a fifty-something woman choosing between falling over or garrotting herself for people to pay attention, you've got a structural problem.

8.00pm
Ant And Dec. It's like it's bloody 1997.

There's some before-show business about not wearing capes.

8.02pm
Everyone has "upped their game", promise Ant and Dec. Perhaps to make up for ITV having lowered their sights?

People dressed as the "iconic" (supposedly) Brit Awards are dancing to something so-so. Bravely, they've gone out to dance amongst the nonplussed executives sitting at the tables.

8.05
Mercifully, it was a short sequence. Ant (or is it Dec?) run through the delights on offer - Little Mix, Jess Glynne. The cheers for Rihanna sounded more like they were genuine than some of the others.

Coldplay on first. Chris Martin and chums have tricked out their stage to look like they're doing a themed beach party in the 1970s. Oh, but they also have fire plumes which are set off at the less-mild bit of the songs. So that's a beach party where Dad couldn't light the barbecue and tried lobbing on some paraffin.

8.08
The Coldplay song repeats "so high, so high", like a thirteen year-old who has just had a teeny puff on his first spliff.

Having tried to enliven the plodding song with fire, they've now set off some glitter. They really are chucking everything at this performance. Well, except a half-decent song.

8.10
"Love Coldplay" says Dec (or is it Ant). Yes, you're a white, middle-aged man. Of course you do.

You can vote using hashtags for best video! It's modern. AND IN NO WAY OPEN TO #RIGGINGTHEVOTE.

One Direction are on the shortlist, so the actual voting is just a formality.

"You can only vote once" warns Dan (or is it Eck?). Yeah. There'd be no way around that, he said, rapidly deleting cookies and swapping between browsers.

8.12
We've got to an award quite quickly - the now defunct One Direction are on stage to do Best British Female. Jess Glynne/Florence/Laura Marling/Amy Winehouse/Adele. Hardly any of them are dead, too.

8.13
It's Adele! Who is at least alive! Although it's not clear she actually released anything during the period the awards cover, otherwise, you know, she'd have been nominated for that.

Adele says its lovely to come back. She supports Ke$ha, though, which floats out into the room and Ant and Dec comment on how short her speech was.

Still: Adele went there. Pity ITV didn't find any Sony execs for reaction shots.

Not entirely clear how XL had embraced Adele being a woman, exactly. They didn't ask her to draw a tache on with a burned cork?

8.18
First ad break. Sky Q remind you this programme could follow you around the house. YOU WOULDN'T BE SAFE IN THE BATHROOM.

Gary Lineker is advertising a crisp packet which "turns into a bowl of crisps". Except it doesn't, really, it's just a fiddly bag that comes between you and your crisps.

8.19
Ant and Dec appear on tape plugging their Saturday show; there's a break bumper of Ellie Goulding looking a bit awkward.

Ant has got a flame thrower. Hijinks ensue.

Oh, he's set off the smoke alarm.

There's a security guard with a "I feel so sorry for you guys, all I have to do is stop people going backstage" look of pity on her face.

Justin Bieber and James The Hat Bay are on now - by another open fire. Is this year's event being organised by the scouts? ("Akalea says it's either fire-lighting, or else we're going to have to do knots all night long.")

Even Bieber tires of the acoustic thing, so sets fire to more of the stage, and does some more traditional limp poprock with the crotch thing.

8.23
Bieber really has employed the Henery V gambit - if you're shit for ages, when you stop being shit, people will think you're really great.

He keeps grabbing his cock; maybe all that fire is making it roast like a marshmallow.

8.25
Jesus, what is all this fire stuff this year? It already feels like hell, maybe they're just going to complete the ambience.

Nearly half an hour in, and we've only done one prize. Pick up the pace, people. There's News to be done at 10.

Ant and Dec return to make more jokes about smoke alarms.

Kylie's coming on to give out the next prize - British Male.

Calvin Harris v James Bay v Jamie XX v Aphex Twin v Mark Ronson

James Bay wins.

Perhaps it's just as well the Americans are burying this on the Fuse network - can you imagine if an American audience saw us proclaim the best male artist in Britain is the man in the hat.

Bay is confused by the round stage and can't work out where he's meant to be talking. He thanks people for believing for in him. If we don't believe, does he vanish?

8.30
Ant and Dec are prowling the floor looking for celebrities. Instead, they stumble across Nick Grimshaw and wave at Coldplay.

Oh, god, and they find Alan Carr. Carr complains about the journey to Greenwich and weeing in a bottle.

It's the most glittering event of the music year.

And we're off to a second break.

8.32
There's a singing packet of cream crackers on screen now. Better than any of the acts so far on the stage.

Lidl are selling parsnips for 39p.

What's with the DJ in the Virgin broadband ad? Okay, mate, you've got somewhere else to be, but couldn't you at least have waited until the end of Chaka Khan before fucking off?

8.36
We're back again. International Group: Tame Impala v Major lazer v Eagles Of Death Metal v Alabama Shakes v U2

Probably the most interesting shortlist of the evening, albeit providing you squint so you ignore U2.

And, surprisingly - it's Tame Impala. That's a surprise - its one of the few times you could see doing the mawkish thing would be right thing as well; giving it to EODM would have been a decent statement of what we value about music. But, no, this one time they decide to give an award based on music alone.

8.40
Nobody can find the cameras.

There's a really awkward bit where a woman in fetish wear comes and waggles her ass at the camera and rub Ant And Dec. What the actual?

Jess Glynne is up to do her tunes now. I wonder if anyone will set fire to things while she's playing. Jess says she ain't go far to go, which means she, at least, won't get caught in the back-up at the Blackwall Tunnel.

8.42
At least Jane McDonald had the good grace to work a few years on a cruise ship before hitting the stage on dry land.

I keep hearing "Jess Glynne" as "Jeff Lynn".

Ant is now giving a joke award to Dec. I say "joke".

Simon LeBon has come on to do a prize. The Brits have decided a man who used to own this night needs a Snooki Waterhouse to lend him some gravitas.


Little Mix v Adele v Calvin Harris & Disciples v Olly Murs V Years and Years v jess Glynne v Ed Sheeran v Phylis George v Ellie Goulding.

Best British single goes to Adele for Hello. (Okay, turns out she did release something in the qualifying period.)

The Ellie Goulding track was better, though, wasn't it? I mean, it just was.

"I love all them songs" says Adele.

8.48
Another break. They remind us that we can vote for Video of the year. I had totally forgotten that.

Adele's getting a bit...Bev in Abigail's Paarty isn't she? Half expected her to say she was looking forward to Demis Roussos #brits

— Chris Rubery (@Chrisrubery) February 24, 2016

Mark Ronson is going to give someone a surprise on behalf of Mastercard. (Hopefully not surprising them that he was on that Bruno Mars record.)

8.52

Remembering when people were offended by black people being on the #BRITs #BRITs2016 #Skepta pic.twitter.com/Pk4QAWeYzc

— The Sun Apologies (@SunApology) February 24, 2016

Oh, we're back. I was just enjoying reading Savages' twitter stream, but now Ant has "gone missing".

No! He's weeing backstage! Hahahahahahaha! Peeing!

They're trying hard, I'll give them that. More trying than hard.

Simon Pegg is now going to give out Best British Band...

Years & Years v Foals v Blur v One Direction v Coldplay.

"It could only be Coldplay" says Pegg. Well, yes, given the way the night's going, that would be right.

They take longer to get on stage than one of their songs takes to reach a chorus. "Blur was the first album I ever bought" says Chris Martin, failing to find the camera.

8.58
Chris Martin dedicates the award to people in refugee camps, which is something I suppose.

James Bay is now on live - yes, of course with the bloody hat - doing Hold Back The River.

Here's a cheeky screenshot of him backstage:

9.00
Jude Rogers says what we're all thinking:

I'm missing Will Young and Alison Steadman on Bake Off for this??? #BRITs2016

— Jude Rogers (@juderogers) February 24, 2016

"Come on now, Brits, come on" cries Bay. There seems to be a thing about shouting at the audience and calling them "Brits", which manages to tip the whole thing into Farage territory.

The Brits is now so dull it's being upstaged by The Grammys and Kanye getting into a slanging match.

Dec's hairline, I can't help noticing, now matches that of his TV co-star.

Major Lazer are on to dole out the next prize. They give a shout out to "all the international acts here". (The people whose labels forced them to come.)

Intl solo male:
Kendrick Lamar v John Misty v Weeknd v Bieber v Drake

Justin Bieber wins! It's almost as if he hadn't agreed to turn up and play the event, isn't it?

Bieber - dressed as a child being Eminem - tells us that life is a journey.

Ant and Dec are at a table with Coldplay. Because we haven't heard enough from them already, have we?

They literally have nothing to say. Genuinely, this is the most pointless thing to have appeared on ITV since that time the brought Bet Lynch back for five minutes in Corrie.

9.09
I don't know if Charlotte Church is watching ITV, but she's just tweeted this:

I dunno if I can take any more...... It's making me so angry.

— Charlotte Church (@charlottechurch) February 24, 2016

(I suspect the random bloke who replied to that saying "what's up? PM me" should at least get points for trying.)

9.11
Yet more ads.

That woman putting a door in for her pony to come into the house hasn't thought through the implications for carpets and soft furnishings, has she? Maybe she'll Amazon prime a steam cleaner next.

There's not enough ads to fill the breaks online.

Simon Cowell is wheeled on next, looking confused. The look on his face from when the overnights for last series of X Factor came in, presumably.

Rihanna is on, apparently singing behind a giant Venetian Blind.

9.15
It's nice that she's using lights rather than falling back on fire, but it's a dreadful effect watching it on TV. Instead of being a light spectacular, it just looks mostly underlit. It could be Drake who's just joined her onstage, but it's virtually impossible to see.

The dancers have gone to dance amongst the tables, but they're giving a vibe of 'Britain keeps its chin up during the power cuts'.

9.18
Nick Grimshaw and Cheryl are coming on to do the breakthrough act. "It's quite an important award" says Nick. Quite important.

Years & years v Wolf Alice v Jess Glynne v Catfish and the Bottlemen v James Bay

"We were getting distacted by Keith Lemon" says Nick before announcing Cuttlefish and The Bobblehats have won the prize. It's not often you find yourself wishing Keith Lemon hadn't given up so easily, is it?

9.21
Catfish at least keep their speech short. They, naturally, fail to find the camera.

Tim Peake is going to present an award from the space station, which is mainly done to allow Ant and Dec to do a "it's not rocket science joke".

This is the global award, which goes to Adele for being lovely and remaining human.

Tim says he wishes he could be there to present the award - bloody liar. Nobody, given the choice between being in space or sitting in the O2 watching Chris Martin gurn.

Adele is clearly swearing a bit. ITV don't really succeed in cutting out the "fuckings". I suspect she has been enjoying the hospitality this evening.

"Tim Peake - I love you and hope you're okay and not too hungry" she concludes.

9.25
Little Mix are about to go on a world tour. I'm suspecting they might be skipping some countries.

Oh, they've got dancers with flaming torches.

They've tried to rework Black Magic as a drums-and-vocals chant, which shows they have ambition if not exactly the talent to pull it off.

I think using dios de la muerte skulls to signify "black magic" shows a deaf ear for cultural sensitivity, too.

9.29
They didn't appear to have thought how to tie together the drumming parts and the pop parts so there was an awkward bit where it was like two songs fighting in a car park.

Ant and Dec apologise for Adele's swearing. Although in twenty years whoever is organising the Brits will be saying it's one his favourite moments from the awards history.

9.33
Another break. I suppose at least this year things are zipping along, or as fast as they can when James Bay is making time feel like it's slowed and gone into reverse. I've just noticed they'd already shoved the news to 10.20 even before the thing had started, though. So there's a lot more of this to go.

9.36
Meanwhile, in the outside world:

Every possible advertising space at North Greenwich has Mark Ronson on it. It's terrifying #brits pic.twitter.com/YsjV7SAYvL

— Talia (@talia) February 24, 2016

The video vote has closed. One Direction fans can now close all their laptops.

Fleur East and Craig David are coming on to give out the next prize. They're having a great time, they tell us.

International Female: Meghan Trainor v Courtney Barnett v Lana Del Ray v Bjork v Ariana Grande

The lack of Taylor Swift in this category is bemusing.

Bjork wins, but she can't (be arsed to) be there. She gives a video thank you from underneath some sort of Venusian beekeeper's hat.

9.39
Ant and Dec are trying to honour David Bowie. They can't quite manage it, so they bring Annie Lennox on.

That's Annie Lennox and Simon LeBon tonight - it's like when this was still called the British Rock and Pop Awards.

Lennox stands with a hand behind her back and delivers a nice little speech while the audience behind her looks a bit bored.

"He was truly unique" she says, before announcing he's getting a posthumous Icon Award.

Gary Oldman comes on. Oh, Christ, he's going to make a speech, too.

"How can we pay tribute to a man who, whatever missteps he made, was never boring?"
"Hey, we could slow the ceremony to a crawl for two long speeches of superlatives that never quite get to grips with what made him so special."
"Sold."

9.45
So they clearly thought that Bowie's death warranted a substantial segment. They just didn't come up with anything to fill the segment with.

Bowie's bit in Fire Walk With Me was more animated than this.

I think Gary said that he and Bowie were once standing in a fruit corner. Maybe it was a street corner. He's getting into some very slight anecdotes now.

They're now going to honour him by bringing Lorde on, to play the Lady GaGa role in the "we've just told you nobody could be like him, so here's someone trying to be like him" portion of the evening. At least they've got Bowie's band to do a Bowie on 45 bit.

9.50
Lorde sounds a bit overwhelmed by it all.

Oh, and she's having a sit down now.

The lighting on this is dreadful, too; washed in a red glow (because "Life on Mars", presumably) it just looks like they're trying to develop some holiday snaps while doing the tune.

If they felt they had to do something like this, getting Lorde in - a glance at a baton passing to a new generation - is the least worst way of doing it. Better than inviting a narcissist to over-emote.

The other good thing about this segment is they went straight to ads rather than have Ant & Dec doing a bit.

9.56
Apparently, in the real world, someone's being held hostage in Bella Italia in Leicester Square.

9.58
Back to the Brits. Dec has swapped to a white dinner jacket. I bet Ant comes in a dress.

9.59
Ant comes on in a dress.

Alan Carr and Lianne La Havas are now going to share the winners of the hashtag video vote.

(Meanwhile, a Bieber news account reports that Justin has already left the O2. See, guys, you shouldn't have paid him his cash until the end of the show.)

One Direction win the video prize. Even Alan Carr can't pretend to be surprised by that.

ITV cut to Simon Cowell trying to not look smug.

The remaining members of One Direction say it "really is incredible".

Another performance. It's The Weeknd. This time, the lighting's ok, but the sound is terrible.

10.04
Jesus, Lorde-as-Bowie is already on YouTube. For now.



10.06
Ant and Dec are saying they should have had smoke in one of their links. A joke or two might have been more useful, guys.

Mark Ronson has come on to do a prize giving, but instead starts by swearing about himself. This is the Best album prize.

Coldplay v Adele (the album qualified too? Oh, they fudged the dates didn't they?) v Jamie XX v James Bay v Florence

The winner is Adele. Ronson leaves a dramatic pause, but he needn't have bothered as we all hallucinated the name 'Adele' in the gap.

But the Florence album was better than the Adele one, right?

Ant and Dec are talking to that Jack Garratt who won the - what is it called? - person most likely to have gone to the Brits School prize. James Bay is also at the table. If the camera pans back, you can see they've been given colouring sheets and crayons to keep them busy during the evening.

Another break, even though there's only one performance left.

10.16
We've had a preview of Adele's dress for the final performance. It's a lovely dress.

Time for one more bit from Ant and Dec. They don't do any gags in it.

So, what have we learned?

Adele is that rare thing: a person who scoops up all the awards and, even though she might not have actually been the very best in each category, she feels like a compromise everyone can get behind. That's quite special.

Half the Bowie tribute actually worked quite well; Lorde was probably one of few artists who sat at the nexus of 'good enough to do it, famous enough to do it, not too famous to overshadow it'. The other half, though clearly well-meant, felt like something the BAFTAs would have rejected as feeling out of pace with a modern awards show.

The person who was responsible for lighting most of the performances didn't appear to realise it was going to be going out on television.

When they weren't giving awards to Adele, they might as well have burned the bloody things.

Coldplay are now never going to bloody go away, are they?

10.25
They close with a highlights package, which is effectively James Bay over and over again.

10.30
And finally... Ticketmaster appear to think Elton John had died:

My favourite Bowie tribute of the evening. pic.twitter.com/TIJRkfkCOn

— Rick Burin (@rickburin) February 24, 2016

Brits 2016: James Bay hasn't bothered to check Lily Allen's arguments, but pretty sure they're wrong

James Bay - who clearly is never going to take the hat off, is he? Like a BHS version of Jamiroquai - is caught in war of words with Lily Allen.

Yeah, it's a bit like the European Union Referendum, in that whoever is in the right you're still going to end up in a group that makes you feel uncomfortable.

The story so far is that Allen has looked at the shortlist for this year's awards, and noticed that being white and being nominated appears to correlate quite closely.

James is sad she had to say such things.

He first picks up on Allen's claim that the shortlist could have been put together by Alan Partridge:

“I haven’t seen REO Speedwagon in the nominations, so I don’t know if it’s entirely Partridge."

That sort of pedantic-but-missing-the-point response is, in itself, a perfect Partridge - it's "I've got a hundred and four friends".

It’s varied nominations. It’s about music. I don’t know why she’s had to go down that route.

"I haven’t looked closely into all the nominations but it’s interesting she should bring that up."

James, there, happily claiming the nominations are are varied while admitting that he hasn't "looked closely" at them. It's like claiming all the tracks on Bay's album are wheezy half-baked nursery rhymes without having listened to closely to them.

What's more disappointing though, is that Bay's response to a not unreasonable complaint about a lack of diversity in the nominations is to say "I don't know why she's had to go down that route."

"That route", eh, James? Why's she had to point out that the shortlist seems only interested in what the white kids are doing?

James appears to believe that "it's music" is enough to explain why so very, very few black musicians have been deemed good enough to get a place on the shortlist. That's a very bad look, James. You're effectively saying "hey, if some black acts had managed to make a decent record, their music would have lifted them onto the shortlist". By trying to insist the Brits shortlist is colourblind, you're just dismissing black artists in the same way the Brits panel has done.

Still, James isn't going to get into that - he's going to attack Allen directly instead:

"I can’t think of her last album, when she last released something.”

Yeah, it's true that Allen hasn't released a record in 2015, but she did in 2014, and it went straight to number one. It's not like she's Wendy James.

More importantly, you shouldn't need to have had a hit single in the last twelve months to call the Brits out on this.

And, although Lily hasn't always been above criticism for her actions not meeting her words in the past, if the best response to 'why is this list so white' you can come up with is 'you haven't had an album out in 18 months', you might be better off shutting up.

Brits 2016: That audience around the world

Something to remember when the claims about how the Brits put British music in front of the world are made over the next fortnight.

In the US, this year's awards are being aired on Fuse. Which is lovely for them, but even at their strongest performances struggle to reach audiences on the higher side of a million. (And those million-plus moments have been achieved by moving away from music programming into reality shows; it's unlikely the audience who have embraced those shows are going to be tuning in to see Jack Garratt picking up a prize.)

The Brit Awards Shortlist is out

You can understand Adele getting a bunch of shortlist slots. But, really, British music industry? James Bay gets nominated in four categories?

Although, technically, Adele shouldn't have been in the lists at all - her album came out in December, and traditionally the Brits have covered a year running November to November. But a swift rewrite of the rules has ensured she'll turn up.

Here's the full list that people call moribund:

British male solo artist
Aphex Twin
Calvin Harris
James Bay
Jamie xx
Mark Ronson

British female solo artist
Adele
Amy Winehouse
Florence + the Machine
Jess Glynne
Laura Marling

British group
Blur
Coldplay
Foals
One Direction
Years & Years

British breakthrough act
Catfish and the Bottlemen
James Bay
Jess Glynne
Wolf Alice
Years & Years

Critics' choice
Winner: Jack Garratt
Izzy Bizu
Frances

Brits global success award
To be announced

British single
Adele - Hello
Calvin Harris & Disciples - How Deep Is Your Love
Ed Sheeran & Rudimental- Bloodstream
Ellie Goulding - Love Me Like You Do
James Bay - Hold Back The River
Jess Glynne - Hold My Hand
Little Mix - Black Magic
Olly Murs ft Demi Lovato - Up
Philip George - Wish You Were Mine
Years & Years - King

British album of the year
Adele - 25
Coldplay - A Head Full of Dreams
Florence + the Machine - How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful
James Bay - Chaos and the Calm
Jamie xx - In Colour

British producer of the year
Charlie Andrew
Mark Ronson
Mike Crossey
Tom Dalgety

British artist video of the year
Adele - Hello
Calvin Harris & Disciples - How Deep Is Your Love
Ed Sheeran - Photograph
Ellie Goulding - Love Me Like You Do
Jessie J - Flashlight
Little Mix - Black Magic
Naughty Boy ft Beyonce & Arrow Benjamin - Runnin' (Lose It All)
One Direction - Drag Me Down
Sam Smith - Writing's On The Wall
Years & Years - King

International male solo artist
Drake
Father John Misty
Justin Bieber
Kendrick Lamar
The Weeknd

International female solo artist
Ariana Grande
Bjork
Courtney Barnett
Lana Del Rey
Meghan Trainor

International group
Alabama Shakes
Eagles of Death Metal
Major Lazer
Tame Impala
U2

There are odd moments of joy in the list - I think the thirty seconds of Courtney Barnett we get when they run through the international female shortlist is going to be the highlight of the ceremony.

But, ultimately, it's the presence of Amy Winehouse which makes this so frustrating. No offence to Amy, but... she's not exactly had the most creative 2015, has she? Yes, there was a movie about her, but the message "to be an exciting female star in British music in 2015, it helped if you'd been dead half a decade" isn't exactly making much of a claim for the scene, is it?

Although if the message to women artists is "you're better off dead", that's probably more encouraging than telling the men that they should be aspiring to be James Bay.

In other on-stage incident news

Giorgi Armani, and his part in Madonna's downfall.

Is Armani sharing some the blame for the only interesting thing to happen at the Brits last week?

Nope.

He's putting it all on Madonna:

This cape had a hook and she wanted a tie, and she wasn't able to open it with her hands. That's all there is to it. 'Madonna, as we all know, is very difficult,' he said.

It wasn't a wardrobe malfunction, then, it was user error.

Brits 2015: Cloaking dragged her

It was the thud that was heard around the world, and the music industry of the United Kingdom is waking up to the realisation that everything it has to offer was upstaged by pratfall.

That's except for readers of The Times, though:

Perils of early deadlines: Will Hodgkinson has reviewed the #BRITs2015 rehearsal for The Times pic.twitter.com/SE7GXVwGeD

— Michael Moran (@TheMichaelMoran) February 26, 2015

There's something of an ethical conundrum here. She is a woman in late middle age who had quite a heavy fall, which isn't funny. But on the other hand, Madonna clearly doesn't want the world to think of her as a woman in late middle age, which might make it okay to giggle a little bit.

Thank god she wasn't doing one of her great songs when it happened, though.

That panic in her face as she tried to shrug off the cloak was clearly less about falling hard, as looking a bit of a twit on live TV. ("Kanye had flame throwers, he was safe. Paloma mixed water and electricity, she was safe. And I've got a glorified pacamac and it's going to bring me down.")

She might take some comfort, though, in the first thought of some - as BBC News reported - was of the impossibility of this being a mistake, because, well, she's Madonna:

Well, sitting way up in the balcony seats among some of Madonna's biggest fans - the type who know and sing along with every lyric - the initial thought was that it may have been a particularly well orchestrated dance manoeuvre.

Consider the evidence - she fell on the lyric "I let down my guard, I fell into your arms" and was back on her feet to sing purposely "now that it's over, I'm going to carry on".

The truth later emerged but credit to the showbiz trooper for carrying on. In the words of those other Brit Award history-makers Chumbawamba "I get knocked down but I get up again".

There is one other upside: eleven years on from Janet Jackson at the Superbowl, now we finally know what a wardrobe malfunction really looks like.

Brits 2015: the liveblog

Unquestionably today is the best day of the year for music on British TV.

That's because at 7.30, Sleater-Kinney's set from the 6music festival is going to be on the BBC Red Button.

Sadly, most of us are going to be watching the Brits instead.


Here's the thing - why not let us take the strain of watching the Brits while you go an enjoy Sleater-Kinney. That way, everybody will be happy.

I'll level with you - I'm still in Pizza Express right now. I'll get the check, and see you back at this page in a few minutes.

7.50
They're interviewing Sam Smith on BBC News. That's the sort of night we're in for.

7.55
So this is the first night of the post-Corden era. Ant And Dec return to hosting duties.

It might not seem a totally absurd choice - after all, they did once present a music chart show on ITV. But that was back when Mark Goodier was doing the charts for Radio One.

They're such an old-fashioned act, aren't they? The perfect faces of Morrisons, a store which seems to sell nothing but luncheon meat shaped like teddy bears, tripe and haslet.

8.00
Mastercard sponsoring again. They'd have been better off doing a product placement deal like Visa have done with Corrie.

And we're off. There's a comedy sequence of Ant and Dec preparing the food in the kitchen with all manner of pop people roped in for it. And the bloke off of the Knorr ads.

8.05
Oh, jesus. Dancing waiters. With Ant and Dec doing that thing where you lift a big silver lid off a platter, and they're underneath it. Told you they were old-fashioned.

Taylor Swift doing first performance, which isn't food-themed and makes the opening seem even odder. (Perhaps it was a reference to that time they tried to drop the tables from the hall to make it more of a spectacle for ITV and it died on its arse.)

Taylor Swift is ace, because it's Taylor Swift. Peaking too soon.

She does have dancers in bowler hats, though. Because it's England, guv, innit?

The long catwalk into the audience works really well for her. I suspect it's going to be a less useful feature when it's Sam Smith.

First glitter shower of the night. Yes, the Brits have peaked already.

8.10
The catwalk has now shown its weakness, as it took about six years for Ant and Dec to reach the place where they're supposed to do the talking.

Ant (or is it Dec) tells us this is the year British music has gone global. Wasn't that a couple of years back?

There's a joke about Kanye being in the building - haahahahahah he might take your award and give it to Beyonce, they say. You can tell they're hoping.

First short list: Video artist of the year. This is the one the oh-so-discerning viewers at home can vote for, with a hashtag. At least they've worked out that just using the act's name might not work entirely well as a voting mechanism.

8.12
Tracy Emin grimaces when they show her award.

Rita Ora off The Voice and Orlando Bloom off the Pirates Of The Caribbean come on for a prize. Orlando Bloom calls Rita "darlin'" and comes off like a bit of a perv.

This is best male artist - Damon Albarn v Paoloa Nutini v George Ezra v Sam Smith v Ed Sheeran.

God, is that really the best men can do?

"This is a hell of a line-up" says Rita. Yes, it does feel like hell.

Ed Sheeran wins.

8.15
Apparently Ed is one of the nicest people in pop. He's doing a reminiscence about the first time he ever came to the Brits, way back in 2011.

And they're already going to a break. Blimey.

It seems they've officially dropped the "The" from the awards - like Kanye or Beyonce, just relying on the one name now.

As they were going to the break, Dec (or was it Ant?) said "one down, ten to go", but it seemed almost heartfelt.

Still, they have managed to do something astonishing - the prize going to Sheeran actually manages to create the sense that Sam Smith has been unfairly robbed.

8.20
This has nothing to do with Brits, but there's an hour-long Thrush Puppies live video on YouTube, you know.

The ITV livestream doesn't appear to have sold all the ad slots in this break, which is a bit ominous.

Ant & Dec are now amongst the "celebrities", threatening to chat to them.

Second award - Jimmy Page is introduced with a joke about throwing TVs out of windows. Page's job is to give out Best British Group.

Royal Blood v Coldplay v Alt-J v Clean Bandit off the Windows Phone ads v One Direction.

Royal Blood have won. You can hear a million preteen girls screaming abuse at their televisions. I fear there will be much blood on the streets tonight.

8.23
Lovely self-effacing speech from the band. (Worth noting they're playing the show, and One Direction aren't; not that that's the criteria at all.)

Sam Smith is doing his live bit now. He's keeping the theme of the kitchen staff dance from the start of the show going, because he's come dressed like a lad dropping off a delivery from the grocers.

Oh, hang on, that's how he always dresses is it?

He obviously hasn't attempted to fill the whole of the O2 on his own; he's turned up with a full string orchestral backing. Because he is a Serious Artist Who Sings From The Heart.

He's now bellowing, presumably because he can't hear himself above all those fucking violins.

8.27
He's got a lot of head at the back of his face, hasn't he, the Sam Smith?

8.28
We're down amongst the tables now. Ant and Dec chatting away with Ed Sheeran.

This would be disappointing television even if you were Ant and Dec's mum.

Unlike Corden, Ant and Dec are asking 'proper' 'serious' music questions. How did the record come to happen, Ed?
("I just filled in a music-by-numbers chart, and there was the album.)

We're getting another reminder of the video vote hashtags now. I implore you to use #reopennominationsbrits

8.30
The Clean Bandit Windows phone ad is on. "We are stiff because we are posh; we are also stiff because we are not actors. Isn't that right, Cortana?"
"Yes, there's no place I'd rather be."

Quick look at the twitter:

Sam Smith, a bowl of mashed potato that has somehow achieved sentience. #brits

— Doug Robertson (@flumcake) February 25, 2015

Not sure about the set this year. It looks like the Brits are taking place inside a child's homework.

— Simon (@HungryHatter) February 25, 2015

There was once a time when I went to The Brits. That time has passed. I've already turned the TV volume down twice.

— Steve Bailie (@SteveBailie) February 25, 2015

8.35
ITV drop a Keith Lemon trailer into the proceedings, to remind us that things could have been a lot worse.

The boys are doing jokes about mismatched presenting teams. It flops. They're doing a bit of business with a bingo ball machine.

It doesn't help the punchline is Lewis Hamilton and Ellie Goulding. Although from here is looks like it's Eva from Corrie.

Lewis is proud to be here tonight. He makes a joke about Ellie's dress, which she clearly doesn't like. "That's a good one" she grits out.

Beyonce v Lana Del Ray v Sia v St Vincent v Taylor 'in the room' Swift for international solo artist.

Taylor Swift wins. Which would be right and proper. Even if she hadn't already done a turn for it.

She lets herself down a little by starting by thanking the record labels.

8.39
She also thanks Ed, and some models, and British fans. And, just as she's about leave, she slips one for Ellie. Lewis doesn't get a thanks.

Ant and Dec do the Kanye stealing awards joke again.

Royal Blood live. I doubt if any One Direction fans will be going 'yeah, actually, this is better, fair play' but it's amusing to think that this is probably only going to be the second time a large chunk of the audience have come across the band; and the first time would have been back at 8.23.

8.45
Royal Blood are accomplished, but they could have done that at any Brit awards since the 70s and fitted right in.

Time for a chatty chat chat with Rita and Ellie. Ellie Goulding looks like she's got scratches on her face, but on closer inspection it's just a lipstick kiss.

Another reminder of the video nominees; another bunch of commercials.

Bit of authenticity by numbers now. "Honest, we're a credible music show! Here's some token guitars!" #thebrits

— Curious Iguana (@curiousiguana) February 25, 2015

One of the complicated Mastercard break bumpers features Paloma Faith ordering an unsuspecting couple of head for a bank vault. It's a bit sinister. The best that couple can hope for is they're going to discover the corpse of a favourite pet; chances are it's going to be Faith doing a song in their faces.

Taylor Swift. A pop star. Doing her 'Britain' material. She'll sing the In Sickness and in Health theme in a minute. #BRITs2015

— Justin Lewis (@Mumbler3) February 25, 2015

Please people - she was no more nominated for an Oscar than Batman was for the Lego song. pic.twitter.com/0ukYRmBG3q

— Jamie East (@mrjamieeast) February 25, 2015

A quick reminder there between the difference between 'doing a song at the' and 'being nominated for an' Oscar.

Ant and Dec have found Simon Cowell, who loves the Brits. It's like a bloodthirsty warlord marching through a field strewn with corpses.

'Who you listening to at the moment, Simon?"
'Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran, One Direction...'

He's so cutting edge.

He's also wearing Max Clifford's glasses.

8.50
"Collaboration is his middle name" say Ant and Dec. "Here's Mark Collaboration Ronson". Ho-ho

Paloma Faith v FKA Twigs v Lily Really Allen v Jessie Ware v Ella Henderson for British female. Lily Allen?

Paloma Faith has done a lot of work for the spons... sorry, has won the award.

She is delighted, though: "it's been a long time coming". It's hardly Jean Rhys' "it has come too late" though, is it? Faith warns us that she's going to do a long speech, but everyone else has done short speeches.

She's talking about flyposting, though, which is a reminder that not every musician starts out with Syco backing them.

8.55
Yeah, you're going on a bit now. Lucky they'd already shifted the news back to 10.10.

8.56
Trying to work up an Una Paloma Blanca joke. Failed.

Ed Sheeran's playing live now. Time for a toilet break, then.

9.00
He's gurning like he's on a toilet break, too.

For a song so devoid of any emotion, he's certainly emoting like crazy. With the sound down, you might think this was an impassioned performance.

Ant and Dec are now asking Sam Smith about how he enjoyed the Ed Sheeran song. There are rental properties on Homes Under The Hammer which are less bland than that moment.

Oh, another ad break.

Perhaps if they'd done a few less ad breaks, they might have filled all the slots on the online stream of the show.

From Twitter:

@DJSemtex @AustinIsDeleted yes boys, y'all got good seats #BRITAwards #1xtra pic.twitter.com/FNyNJN2QB4

— They call me Dazla (@DarrencDj) February 25, 2015

There's now a trail for Ant And Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, reminding you how bad things really are.

Ant is staring into the middle distance, now. Not sure if he's wishing it was over, or desperately hoping to see an autocue with some new material.

Kim Kardashian is here for the global success award, and probably as part of the contract negotiations to get Kanye to play live. She introduces a small reel of why Sam Smith is so brilliant. You know the sort of thing - "he has made some records! Inoffensive in 12 languages! Comes with his own toothbrush!"

They remind us he won Critics Choice award last year, so this is a Brits first - bullshit non-prizes two years running. Well done, Sam.


9.10
Ant and Dec are kissing Kim and saying they're "thrilled to have you here". She's getting more screen time than Smith did.

And they're doing a taking a selfie routine. Can the MySpace jokes be far away?

Kim introduces Kanye, which does nothing to dispel the impression her appearance was negotiated.

West is having so much of his performance muted it's like he's doing it on RealAudio over a dial-up line.

The 'riot and fire and cops' staging might have been edgy, had it not been done in 2011. By Plan B. And also by Take That.

Nice shot of Lionel Richie looking impressed as someone uses a flamethrower indoors.

(They do know the fire brigade are on strike today, right?)

9.15
Hang on, maybe there's no cops in the melee - it was hard to tell as ITV kept pulling back.

Sam Smith reaction shot - he was ashen faced.

And a third Kanye interrupting awards joke.

International Male solo artist:
Jack White v Hozier v Beck v John Legend v Pharrell Williams

Who will it be? And what the hell Hozier?

Pharrell Williams wins, but he can't be here tonight. Luckily for him, neither could any of the others. Williams does a little speech via the magic of video. He couldn't be arsed to do a second take, though, clearly.

9.20
Another break. Another reminder to vote in the video prizes.

Spotify's social media team are busy:

Watching the #BRITAwards2015 tonight? Follow @SpotifyUK for live updates as it happens! pic.twitter.com/5pLFtfOO0d

— Spotify (@Spotify) February 25, 2015

So... if you're watching a programme on TV, why not look at an unconnected organisation's twitter stream to find out the latest about what you will have already just seen?

9.22
Just seen that Sex Criminals - the freeze-when-you-fuck comic - is going to be adapted for TV. That's made me more excited than anything so far at the O2.

Realised that when I thought Ant had said Kate Nash was going to be playing live next, he actually just said Take That, didn't he? That's disappointing.

Now a bit of business about which end of the runway they're meant to be at. Clearly the Chuckle Brothers have shared their writing team for the evening.

It's all in the cause of introducing Take That. Look, George Osborne had no way of knowing what they were up to, right?

Mark Owen now looks like that guy who used to play the cardboard guitar outside What Everyone Wants in Liverpool.

9.28
It must be depressing for Gary Barlow, knowing that everywhere he goes, and everything he does, will be met with a barrage of 'pay your taxes'. Did he ever release the results of his investigation in how he came to be avoiding taxes?

Looks like Josh Widdecombe is in the background on guitar there.

"Let in The Sun" they sing, aware that News International also had an interesting approach to paying their taxes, too.

British singles awards. Oh, they're doing the bingo machine thing again. Flogging a horse that was already dead.

Lisa Snowdon and Lionel Ritchie. Edward Snowdon and Lionel Blair would have been a more interesting choice.

Rather Be v Thinking Out Loud v My Love v Ghost v Nobody To Love v Stay With Me v I Got U v Budapest v Uptown Funk

That's a lot of very posh people. Mark Ronson wins for having pretty much shagging the corpse of James Brown for the enterainment of people who don't really like James Brown.

Ronson thanks the Commodores, which I bet he wouldn't even have done if Lionel hadn't been standing right there.

9.35
John Bishop has come on to do a prize. Really? I mean, I like him well enough but he played a dad on Skins... who is this aimed at now?

Best International Group: Foo Fighters v Black Keys v First Aid Kit v The War On Drugs v 5 Seconds Of Summer

Of course Foo Fighters win; the other names were just padding out the list to try and get a few more NME readers to tune in.

Dave et al pick up their prize via video. They're proud. They sound bored as paint.

James Bay is at the table with Ant and Dec, wearing his hat and exhibiting all the personality we've come to expect from these empty chairs. Sam Smith gives him some advice, which i didn't catch but assume was 'sit down and don't make any unexpected moves'.

George Ezra is now playing his guitar. He's got his name up in lights, like Elvis doing the comeback special.

Just think of that.

Ezra is trying to make us think of him in the same way as Elvis Presley.

Let's hope he starts on that high fat diet quickly, then.

9.42
Clearly, Ezra is incapable of growing a hipster beard, and so has hired a backing musician to do that bit for him. He's probably going to leave the stage riding a penny farthing.

We're going to have another break? Jesus, how many more times do Lidl want to berate us this evening?

Some poor sod has been made to play maracas with Kaiser Chiefs in the break bumpers. I'm going to go and cut up my Mastercard just in case this sort of thing could happen to me next year.

9.46
Kevin Bacon still making ads for EE, then. Now with people from Gogglebox. I'm not sure why EE are making adverts just to alert us that Gogglebox has become too knowing to be of any interest now, but they are.

9.48
The British Breakthrough act. Ant and Dec are reminding us they were beaten in this category by Oasis many years ago.

Fearne Cotton and Charli XCX are doing the presenting. Charli has come dressed as Santa.

George Ezra v Chrvches v Royal Blood v FKA Twigs v Sam Smith

Sam Smith wins it. Did they know he was going to win this before they gave him the bullshit made-up award they only invented for One Direction last year?

Smith makes the sort of dull acceptance speech you'd expect him to. I do like the colour of his jacket, though.

Ant and Dec now pretending they hide under tables during live music bits. If only they'd hidden during the links as well.

Paloma Faith is now playing live. THIS IS UNCONNECTED WITH HER AWARD IN EVERY WAY. Her stage act includes a mime dancing in the rain.

9.55
There are now a lot of people dancing in the rain. I wish they'd switched this rain effect on when Kanye was doing his riot bit. That would have been worth turning up for.

I hope Paloma didn't get nervous waiting, although if she'd not done a three hour acceptance speech earlier, she'd be in a cab on the Westway by now.

Massive #shoutout to the unlucky sods wielding the mops to the side of the stage #BRITs2015

— THE LINE OF BEST FIT (@bestfitmusic) February 25, 2015

Oh, Lord, she starts doing more thank yous at the end of the song.

Now, let's see if One Direction fans can still rig a vote - we're at the video award point.

Jimmy Carr - has anyone here paid any tax at all ever? - and Karlie Kloss. Carr does a CD:Uk joke - one for the teenagers there, then.

Carr does a joke about separate toilets for men and women which goes down like a Royal Blood tshirt at a One Direction party.

#whathashtaghaswon #icannotwaittofindout #whyaretheydoingtheshortlistagaintheyhavedoneit10timestonight

One Direction win. Surprise, everyone! Surprise!

Cowell goes up to pick up the award because One Direction can't be arsed with shit like this these days.

Cowell makes a speech, apparently thinking we'd appreciate that.

10.00
"I'd like to thank the boys for being amazing". Britain's got talent, although not any of those talents able to write a script, it seems.

There's an interview with Royal Blood and Alt-J. There seems to be a table that clearly the BPI thinks is the circle of credibility. George Ezra has been sat at it, which suggests some sort of terrible mistake.

They're going to have another break. Of course they are.

10.05

“British music is the best isn’t it?…” Silence. Thanks British music.

— Martyn Davies (@martynd) February 25, 2015

Adverts:
"Okay Google, show me pictures of beef stew... oh, god, no Google, I don't mean that as a euphemism... jesus, my girlfriend's here... stop playing that video, Google. I didn't even know that was a thing..."

Boots has now got the women in the Number 7 video to lip synch to Jessie J, which is actually quite a clever pun for its service matching lipstick to skintone, but might be a bit too clever for its own good.

10.06
Apparently ITV Be is still going.

Last award - British album. Russell Crowe is giving it out, so there's a bit of Wolf from Gladiator themed jokage. Seriously, what year are we in now? (I'd have applauded if they'd done a Romper Stomper joke...)

Crowe now less Gladiator, more 'it looks like he ate her'. We can all do it, ITV. We can all do it.

sheeran v ezra v alt-j v royal blood v smith

Who will it be?

Oh, it's Sheeran. WHAT A PLEASANT POLITE PLACE BRITISH MUSIC IS.

That's the message of this year's Brits. It's more middle-class than Escape To The Country.

Oh, what's that rattling? It's the sound of Madonna approaching. But first they have to try and bark up interest in the backstage party on ITV2. Given how ker-azzzy the main event has been, who know what hijinks there will be on ITV2? People using cheese knives in the butter dish, no doubt.

Madonna is now rolling on to close things off.

10.12
Still doing the matador thing, then. Go on, do Borderline.

Wow... something actually happened - she got tugged on her cape, and fell backwards down the stairs. She looked so pissed off as she climbed back up the stairs...

10.14
To be fair, those long housecoats can be a nightmare on the stairs. Something similar happened to my nan once, but it wasn't on live TV.

It's ironic she's singing "I'm gonna carry on" when if this had been recorded they'd have gone for take two. Still, shows she's still a trouper.

Presumably the twerking was meant to be a little more energetic than this.

I suppose its possible it was an intentional move to distract attention from how weak the song is. You wouldn;t have to do a pregnant Diana down the stairs if you'd done Borderline.

And she only did one song? They've been building to Madonna's big performance all night, and all they let her do was a single, flat track? Barely worth her getting back up off the floor for that.

10.18
ITV News do their bit for this magic evening for British Music by leading on the latest 'Cliff Richard is a nonce' allegations. Thanks, ITV News. You know how to make a party special.

Watching Madge on the steps, it's clear that she was starting to panic that she hadn't got the clasp of her cloak undone before the guys downstage were going to tug it off.

So, that's the summary of the great job the BPI have done this year: the only thing we'll remember is when a woman in her mid 50s was pulled over as she tried to climb the stairs.

British music. Best in the world, isn't it?

Thanks for sharing the evening with me.

Brits 2015: Hosts announced

Exciting news - the hosts of next year's Brits have been announced.

It's Ant And Dec.

Sorry... I think I've got confused; that must be an old news story from the time when CD:UK was on the television. Obviously Ant And Dec wouldn't be hosting the Brits in 2015. That'd be absurd.





Oh.




Hang on.

Brits chairman Max Lousada said it was "a real honour" to have them back.

"Ant and Dec are two of the most popular TV broadcasters this country has ever produced," he said.

"It's great that these two pillars of British TV will be part of a night about celebrating icons in British music."

There's a slim justification for this booking tied to the charts:

The return of Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly comes in the wake of them reaching number one last year with Let's Get Ready to Rhumble - a re-release of their 1994 hit.

That's true. But I'm not sure a novelty hit in 2013 is quite the cutting edge happening to build an event around in 2015.

More to the point, that a twenty year-old joke that wasn't funny anymore steamrollered its way to outsell all the other music around that week doesn't really send the 'British music is creative, vibrant and modern' message that the Brits is supposed to be sharing with the world.

I suppose we should be grateful that Mike Read already had a corporate gig booked for that night.

Brits 2014: Corden's defence

James Corden was on Channel 4's The Last Leg on Friday and, while perhaps his shaky grasp of judicial proceedings needing to take place in public is forgivable, his attempts to defend this years Brits deserve a closer bit of attention.

First, he was asked about Alex Turner's toe-curling speech at the end. Corden - as ever - was upbeat and positive; last year, he pointed out, the Monkeys picked up a prize without a word, and everyone complained about that. "You're damned if you do..." reckons James.

Up to a point. That point being if you assume that there's only a binary position between making no noise, and making a noise. On this basis, if Turner had come on stage and had a yodel, Corden would have been satisfied.

Actually, it might have been better if Turner had yodelled. Because it's not that he had said something, it was that he had nothing to say of any value. Sure, the NME might have thought we were being summoned to the ramparts, but the rest of the world just saw some drunken rambling where the lights were on, but flickering in a way that suggested a rewiring was due soon.

Secondly, James tried to parry the claims that it was all a corporate bunfest by pointing out that there was that Billie/B*Witched/Steps Abba medley thing a few years back. He seemed to be suggesting that if you used that as a measure, this year's event was hardly corporate at all. Which was an interesting argument, although one fundamentally undermined by there having been a special award invented this year to persuade One Direction to turn up, and that the sole criteria for the award was 'having sold a substantial number of units in key overseas territories'.

On the plus side, he did seem to indicate he won't host again.

What the pop papers say: Turner over, it's done

For the last few weeks I've been telling people that the NME had turned a corner, and that it was packing something of a punch in a way that it hadn't for years.

And then it does this.

Genuinely, despite having watched the Brits and liveblogged them, I had no idea what speech they were talking about. After all, the speech that actually did create a minor stir was Kate Moss-as-David Bowie mutter about Scottish independence; if anyone did mention Turner after the event was over it was 'what the hell was he babbling about' and by the following morning even that had been forgotten. To claim that people are still talking about it a week later is a bit of a stretch.

And the cover itself?

Oh, my.

But the Neneh Cherry piece inside? That's worth reading. To be fair, you probably wouldn't want to have put Cherry on the front page, either, but at least you'd be showcasing what's great about the magazine at the moment.

Brits 2014: The morning after

A couple of thoughts as the 2014 circus passes into history.

First: If Kate Moss mumbling something about Scotland is the most outrageous thing to happen, congratulations: your awards ceremony is officially moribund.

There is an interesting point, though: if Scotland does break from the UK, would it have an influence on the Brits?

Not really. None of last night's winners are Scottish. None of the performers were Scottish. I don't think any of the award presenters were Scottish.

Bowie might have been better off sending the message 'Scotland, join us' rather than 'stay with us'.

For the record, here's the full list of winners:
British Male Solo Artist - David Bowie

British Female Solo Artist - Ellie Goulding

British Group - Arctic Monkeys

British Breakthrough Act - Bastille

British Single - "Waiting All Night" by Rudimental ft. Ella Eyre

British Album Of The Year - AM by Arctic Monkeys

Best Video – One Direction

International Male Solo Artist - Bruno Mars

International Female Solo Artist - Lorde

International Group - Daft Punk

Global Success - One Direction

Critics' Choice - Sam Smith

British Producer Of The Year - Flood & Alan Moulder

Today just tried to draw the Arctic Monkeys on the Scotland issue, and got rewarded with one of those sub-Lennon "witicisms" rather than an answer. Their desire to not say anything upsetting confirms they've passed a certain point in their career - the Muse Horizon - where they just turn up with album after album that sounds a bit like the last one; the record business assumes they're some sort of edgy, alternative act; and everyone does very nicely out of this drifting along. Apart from the fans.

Finally:

#Brits2014 host James Corden interrupted a speech from Prince to take a selfie #r4today pic.twitter.com/TqxOCADL2H

— BBC Radio 4 Today (@BBCr4today) February 20, 2014

You can see Prince thinking "aaaand this is why I don't do this sort of thing."

Brits 2014: Liveblog

6.50pm
Welcome to the No Rock & Roll Fun Brits liveblog. For younger viewers, a liveblog is like a bunch of tweets, but without anyone reading them.

The red carpet is underway - this year the Osbournes are being delivered flat-packed, and assembled inside the O2, but there's still plenty for the masses to see.

Angus Deayton sharing a joke with rubber-faced comedian Phil Cool; Robin Nedwell out of that band that Denis managed on Corrie. And June Sarpong, with nobody quite sure why she's there, repeating a tradition now stretching back ten years.

Actually, BBC News just had a chat with Lily Allen on the red carpet. That's where the barrier of expectations has been set for the evening, everybody.

7.00pm
If you fancy staring at a bunch of logos, the Daily Mirror has a rather stuttery livestream of arrivals. At the moment, the old Independent Television For Schools And Colleges countdown logo has arrived and is posing for photos:

7.02pm
As we wait for people to drift by the Mirror's camera - ooh, look, there's a bored girl texting - here's a quick catch-up on what we can expect.

Yes, that. God help us all.

7.05pm
ITV2 also have a live red carpet "event", although that's even less slick than the Mirror's, and is going out on proper television, too.

So this morning, Robbie Williams was being quoted on the Radio 4 Today programme bemoaning that nothing exciting happened last year. Given he was one of the performers, and could have done something exciting had he chosen to, that seemed a bit rich.

Alexis Petridis tried to probe this 'boring' problem a bit more deeply in yesterday's Guardian:

In the runup to this year's Brit awards, the organisation's new chairman, Christian Tattersfield, has struck a bullish, even combative note.

He acknowledges that last year's event was a pretty dull evening for all concerned – "last year could have been better … we lacked superstars… so that took a bit of the edge off". Nevertheless, he is not a man given to fondly recalling the Brits of the past. Then it was a "shambles", now it is "an important event of gravitas, rather than just a shoddy knees-up".

"We needed to stop the mayhem," Tattersfield says, before offering assurances to anyone who thinks all this talk of gravitas suggests that 2014's ceremony, heading to us on Wednesday, promises to be as dull as its predecessor. "James Corden wants to put in a performance as host that creates the excitement we all talk about. We're saying to James, 'Go for it – let's all have some fun.'"

This is the problem: for viewers, a Brits watercooler moment would end in the words "and he got punched in the face, but even frame-by-frame on Sky Plus it wasn't clear if it was Holly Walsh who hit him or not"; but for the organisers, it'd be "... and then Jamie Cullum and Emeli Sande were joined on stage by Sting, and he had his zither with him."

Rizzle Kicks interviewing Rick Astley on ITV2, there.

7.15pm
The big story today - bigger, even, than PopJustice liveblogging whether to liveblog - has been the cheesy attempts Mastercard made to get some leverage from sponsoring tonight's event.

In effect, they asked journalists to wank on a webcam for tickets; the good seats where you could see Kylie needed a cumshot.

More or less:

The email reportedly from House PR reads: “Firstly as part of our Priceless Surprise we are putting on cars to take guests directly to the awards – we will be booking your car to take both yourself and Katy from the office at 4:30pm. Are you happy with these details?

“In addition – in return for this ticket we would like to ask that you agree to the following…” It then lists a number of conditions.

Dawbell, who handle the official PR for the Brit Awards told The Independent: “We’ve made no such asks of our invited media, which are the majority of journalists attending. This request has come from Mastercard’s PR company.”

It even suggested the words attendees might like to tweet, both from their personal accounts, and their publication's twitterfeed.

How did that work out for you, Mastercard?

This took me at least four minutes. #PricelessSurprises pic.twitter.com/H5BLN1pWbc

— Bobble Bardsley (@bobblebardsley) February 19, 2014

Elsewhere on Twitter, people are posting pictures of One Direction arriving at last year's ceremony to wind up One Direction fans. Frankly, though, given the live pictures are of James Corden hugging both Rizzle and Kicks out of Rizzle Kicks, you'd be better off with a photo from happier times.

7.22
ITV2 now getting older people to listen to this year's albums because it's funny, right? David Bowie is nominated and is 67.

7.25
Keith Lemmon's turned up. Time to take a short break for tea.

7.30

Time is the Brits?

— The Official Niamh. (@Niamh_Mx) February 19, 2014

Is this a SUPERSECRETREFERENCE that PRINCE has reformed TIME for a SUPERSECRETPERFORMANCE or merely someone missing the word "what" from the start of a Tweet?

Holy fuck remember Ben Howard at the Brits last year? He was unbelievable

— caoimhe (@caoimherella) February 19, 2014

To be honest, you can't remember Ben Howard three minutes after seeing him (does he wear a hat?), never mind twelve months on.

7.45
Yes, Five Seconds Of Summer are attending the event. I literally cannot express how this makes me feel. No... hang on... it's not I can't express it; it's just not making me feel anything.

7.58
We're nearly there. The tension is building. I ill-advisedly went with linguine and now have sauce on my face.

James Corden is presenting for the fifth time this year - he did one with his comedy partner Horne, and the other three with a growing sense of desperation. He says its the last time, but he might just be trying to get us on side.

8.00
Usual warning about flashing lights, and we're in with The Arctic Monkeys. Oh, with big flaming letters. Still doing the fire thing in lieu of spectacle, are you, Brits?

Alex Turner is wearing a jacket made from Crunchie wrappers.

8.04
It's not exactly a barnstorming start. More like a minor squall over a shed. Everyone is watching very politely, though.

It's a stage in the middle of lots of chairs and tables layout this year, which means the entire audience is sitting down. Live coverage of supper.

Shhh... James Corden's coming on.

8.06
hahahahahahahahahah HE'S ON FIRE

James tells us that British acts have taken the world by storm over the last twelve months. Really? If you bet without One Direction?

"How good were the Arctic Monkeys?" Meh, actually.

It's the biggest and coolest line-up on the Brits, apparently.

Ooh, we at home can vote for one of the awards. Video of the year, via Twitter. How very modern.

8.08

Shortlist: John Newman, Ellie Goulding, Naughty Boy, Calvin Harris and One Direction.

There's not really any point in voting, is there? It's basically inviting One Direction fans to choke up Twitter, thereby preventing people from moaning about the show there. Cunning.

8.10
Prince has come on to present an award. He's wearing a big hat and accompanied by his band.

Hahahahahahahahaha Corden does a selfie.

For younger viewers, Prince once had a hit with a cover of Tom Jones' Kiss.

It's the female solo artist.

Shortlist: Goulding, Mvula, Marling, Birdy, Jessie J

Surprise! It's Ellie "playing tonight" Goulding. Whoever would have thought?

Goulding looks like she's regretting her choice of dress and shoes as she makes heavy weather of coming to the stage Goulding thanks the people around her who have their hearts in what she does. Sounds messy.

8.15
First break of the night.

By the way: I know Kiss wasn't a Tom Jones' song; it was by Age Of Chance.

That's why the Brits should be on BBC #BRITs2014

— ⚒ Caen ⚒ (@CaenBowditch) February 19, 2014

Good god, no; the adverts are the only respite we get. This is probably the only national event which is improved by ITV stopping to flog M&Ms every five minutes.

Over on Twitter at the moment, One Direction fans are noticeably struggling with the voting instructions for the video prize.

8.18

if you're watching the BRITs over the champions league then you need to reevaluate your life

— andrew (@andrewli11ey) February 19, 2014

Apparently this is a reference to football.

They're really dragging out the Kylie break bumpers, aren't they?

"The atmosphere here is electric" says James Corden, an original thought a lesser presenter might not have been able to put into words.

Katy Perry is coming on to do her turn now. Remember she was slagging off Miley Cyrus for being too sexualised, so let's see what she's got planned.

She thinks she's come on as Cleopatra, but really she looks like someone trying to do Susannah Hoffs for an 80s themed fancy dress night.

8.20
Perry is being pulled round the stage on a small trolley, like a singing bunch of sandbags.

Oh, she's taken off her coat and is now doing her dance routine in a skintight leotard.

I say dancing. It's mostly standing and pointing.

Her backing dancers are now twerking their tushes off. See, Miley? It's not cheap if you pay someone else to do it.

ITV try for an audience reaction shot, but it's just the tops of lots of heads sat at tables.


8.22
International male solo artist. It's Kylie and Pharrell.

Kylie is in something that looks like a Toto Coleolo binliner original; Pharrell invites the audience to make some noise for Kylie, like they might have been cheering him.

Shortlist: Bruno Mars; Eminem; Drake; John Grant; Justin Timberlake

For younger viewers, Justin Timberlake is the man who invented MySpace, which was like Facebook with colouring pens.

Bruno Mars wins, and brings an small entourage with him to pick up the award - all of whom are probably capable of making records more engaging than Mars seems capable of. If I were John Grant - and frankly, I could be, as he's so anonymous - I'd be feeling cheated.

Oh, what's that, Bruno? You're playing tonight? And you won a prize? What are the odds?


8.26
We're not doing the first album nomination - Derek Bowie's The Next Day. There's a little film with some words and things.

Onto Breakthrough - Tinie Tempah and Fearne Cotton are coming on. Not to one of Tinie's songs, oddly.

Fearne is wearing one of those foil blankets you get when you complete a marathon.

Shortlist: Odell, London Grammar, Bastille, Mvula, Disclosure

Bastille - who I think might be playing tonight - get the prize. "Their name derives from Bastille Day" a helpful voice informs us, in case you thought they couldn't spell the name of the sweets properly.

8.30
"This is so unexpected". Really? You had a 20% chance. Can't be that surprising.

"Look who I'm sat with" says James Corden, who's sitting down with One Direction at a table. Corden does a joke about Justin Bieber being raped in prison.

8.31
Another break.

I BET 5SOS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE USING PHONES DURING BRITs

— Abbey | 5sos ♥ (@iHemmoCrew) February 19, 2014

I suspect half of the people who have to show up because its their job are playing Candy Crush. Actually, judging by the lack of atmosphere in the room, it's possible everyone is on the phone there.

8.37
Bruno Mars is doing the song in return for his award. Corden calls him "the finest showman in the world right now"; but then Corden hasn't seen that Chinese Elvis impersonator in Tunbridge Wells.

What does it say on Mars' hat? Angel Kitty?

I haven't really noticed the song. It's like a vegan version of the Jackson 5.

8.41
The song just stops.

Corden does a joke that suggests that Bruno Mars might be uncomfortable around gay men.

Next album is Rudimental. Unlike Bowie, they talk in their little film. THEY NEED IT MORE. Don't show them that you need it, boys. Act aloof. Cold. Like the big, cold, empty O2.

"We wrote it as music, not as a genre" they explain, helpfully. Which is lucky, as their producer doesn't know how to read genre.

Lily Allen is back, trotting on to give British Group.

Shortlist: Arctic Monkeys; Bastille; Disclosure; Rudimental; One Direction.

Tell us Lily, who is it?

Arctic Monkeys! Who played earlier this evening! So surprise!

8.46
Alex is no longer wearing his golden jacket. There's a laconic acceptance speech that will at least please the prioducers as they keep on schedule.

Critic's Choice now, or the 'who will labels pour money into until you're sick of them'.

It's Sam Smith.

Sam Smith was the lead character in the sitcom Goodnight Sweetheart, where he was played by Nicholas Lyndhurst.

8.48

if you think one direction should have one, i'm sorry but you're not just annoying, you're stupid

— ❁ (@meglikesalpacas) February 19, 2014

I'm not saying anything.

We're back from the third break, in time for the Global Success award, or the 'please come, One Direction, we'll make up a prize for you.'

Rosie Huntington Thingymy is going to do the honours here.

I really hope Arctic Monkeys fans take to Twitter to complain about One Direction winning this over their band.

8.54
Rosie announces One Direction like it was a surprise. Even after showing a film of them.

OH MY GOD THEY HAVE GONE AS A FOUR PIECE MAYBE THEY HAVE SPLIT CURLY HAS LEFT LARRY, MOE, AND THE OTHER TWO. BREAKING NEWS I THINK I'M GONNA HURRRRRL.

Styles trots on late saying he was having a wee.

OH MY GOD HARRY HAD HIS PENISES OUT AND WAS WAVING THEM AROUND LITERALLY SECONDS AGO I AM GONNA DIE FOR HONEST.

8.56
They're putting Beyonce on halfway through? Really? I know they don't want to have to fade her down for the news but... surely this is peaking way too soon?

Beyonce wants us to sing along with her. Mostly she's on a massive screen behind her own head, which is like watching a grainy TOTP performance on a TV on the other side of a pub.

But it's Beyonce. She's the first thing this evening where it doesn't matter the room is full of Universal's accountants eating pies.

And she's got a glittery dress that actually glitters on screen.

9.01

Not even watching the Brits but whys Beyoncé performing? Isn't she a bit too high up for that

— Queen T (@Toyosi_Raheem) February 19, 2014

Yes. Way, way, too good for this.

9.02
Noooooo! Come back Beyonce. Don't leave us with... with... this Cordenism.

9.03
Best British Single. Katy Perry is going to give the prize away. She does a plug for her tour.

Shorlist: Rudimental; Calvin Harris; Disclosure; Bastille; Naughty Boy; Olly Murs; Passenger; John Newman; Ellie Goulding; One Direction.

The winner is Rudimental. Katy Perry nods her approval, in that 'I'm not quite sure who they are but I'm sure it's a good choice' way that parents often do when you talk about music.

Rudimental "didn't expect this". Everyone turned up with low expectations tonight, then, and to be fair most of the evening hasn't let them down.

9.06
The Arctic Monkeys try to summon up some enthusiasm for talking about the record in their best album film. They don't quite manage it.

The tweets about Beyonce and the Brits are beginning to drown out the footy ones...Guys!! This is our night! Don't let it happen!

— Gappy Bond (@Gappybond) February 19, 2014

Apparently football and music are now in a state of war.

Another break.

9.12
Disclosure and Lorde are teaming up. It's like a crazy two-for-one deal, like at Dominos on a Tuesday when you can have a pizza and another pizza that's a bit different but still basically a pizza for the price of one.

There's a strange Lorde-face-made-out-of-lights hovering over the stage. That's got to be off-putting.

9.15
It's pleasant enough, but...

Oh god, somebody please do something INTERESTING! #brits

— OstaVaye (@OstaVaye) February 19, 2014

AlunaGeorge turning up doesn't quite cut it.

9.17
Bastille's little film about the album what they made now on.

And we're on to International Group.

Shortlist: Daft Punk, Haim, Kings Of Leon, Arcade Fire, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Nicole Sherzzzinger announces Daft Punk, who cannot be with us tonight because they've got better things to do. Nile Rodgers comes on, though, and he's playing tonight, so that keeps things square, right?

For younger viewers, Nile Rodgers was the bloke who got in the way of the guy with the iPad at Glastonbury.

Rodgers claims the award as belonging to everyone connected with the record, which is a bit like he's elbowing his way in.

9.23
Corden is with Kylie. He's doing a bit of business about the name of her album. Because it sounds like she wants hier to kiss him.

Kylie tries to look like she's enjoying being ribbed about being single.

More commercials.

9.28

not completely sure of what the brits is to be perfectly honest

— justin hills (@olisexysykes) February 19, 2014

The what isn't difficult, surely? It's the why, isn't it?

Good lord, apparently they're still making The Only Way Is Essex.

9.30
The last of the best album film goes to Disclosure - "everyone on blogs was getting so excited". Yeah. You'll find that about people with blogs. But what do they know?

9.31
Goulding up now - Corden says she "really came into her own with her second album". I suppose getting to the end of the first one and still having a record deal is something of an achievement in its own right these days.

Goulding dressed like Miss Havisham but with a giant guitar.

No, hold on, she removed the demure top layer to reveal a bra top and hot pants. SHE WAS DRESSED ALL SEXY UNDERNEATH. Why has nobody ever thought of that provocative move before?

9.35
This song really only exists to soundtrack an advert for one of those summer holidays where you have to do things, doesn't it? Shot of people rock climbing - "burn burn" - shot of people walking down beach - "burn burn".

British male now, with Noel Gallagher dragged up to present it. Sadly not in the 'wearing drag' sense.

He goes straight to nominations with all the charm of a man asking the owner of a red Fiat to move their car as it's blocking the back door.

Shorlist: Bugg; Odell; Blake; Newman; Bowie.

Ironically for a man who appeared with a mask covering his face, David Bowie wins against the faceless interchangable hordes.

Kate Moss comes on to accept to Bowie's behalf. David's given her something impenetrable to read. Everyone's a bit confused.

9.40
They're picking up the pace all of a sudden. Nick Grimshaw to do international female. "Can we have a round of applause for James Corden? Bloody killing it..."

Nominations: Perry, Monae, Pink, Lorde, Lady GaGa

Lady GaGa! I remember her! Wasn't she one of the scissor sisters?

Lorde wins the prize, though. Oddly, she was performing a few moments ago.

9.42
Lorde says she feels like her brain's exploding. Actually, is that Lorde or has Darlene from Roseanne nipped on stage to pick up the prize?

Corden is now sitting with Pharrell and Rodgers, doing some jokes about his hat. I hope they spin this out into a sitcom.

Oh, god. Keith Lemon has now appeared - BUT HE'S WEARING A HAT TOO. My sides are in danger of overflowing like the Thames did.

Everything shambles into some more commercials.

9.45

Keep talking Pharrell - its not like they'll cut off the poor sod at the end when they try and make a speec... oh wait

— Darren Hemmings (@mr_trick) February 19, 2014

Just when they'd picked up the pace, too.

Now I know that when Nile Rodgers says "I'm having a blast" it actually means "Please, call me a taxi".

— Simon (@HungryHatter) February 19, 2014

Nile's hating every fucking minute. He hates this more than he hates X Factor. #BRITs2014

— Holy Moly! (@HolyMoly) February 19, 2014

I suspect Niles is muttering to Pharrell now "are you sure Prince is closing the show tonight? Because if I'm hanging around here and it's just some bullshit whey-faced British boy singing a plaintive song about his broken heart, I swear to god I'm going to throw this table at his head..."

9.48
Still half an hour to go. Be strong, everyone.

The programme has now started to sink so badly David Cameron is announcing that there's an open chequebook to help survivors.

Jimmy Carr has come on, to demonstrate how you might want to host a show like this. Although his Cowell joke falls flat.

It's the video of the year award - you'll recall the uninspiring shortlist was farted out at the start of the show for One Direction fans to rig the votes. So what's happened?

One Direction win.

That's such a surprising surprise.

One Direction get a round of applause for James Corden. Perhaps he's got a disease and everyone's being supernice to him.

9.52
Time for a collaboration. Again. Bastille and Rudimental playing together. It's like when people made mash-ups, isn't it? For younger viewers, mash-ups were two songs that were unconvincingly slopped together to create something that could be used to demonstrate the phrase "less than the sum of its parts".

Actually, this could be worse. But it'd have still been better if they'd both done their songs in full. They could have dropped... well, almost anything, to make space for that.

9.57
And if you're just tuning in to ITV to see the News At Ten, everyone already watching ITV really wishes they'd be about to see the News At Ten, too. But life isn't like that.

This is basically all the gym music, I feel like I should be doing squats. It would be less painful. #brits2014

— Tracy Morter (@moogyboobles) February 19, 2014

9.59
The final award of the night. The sweetest words in the English language.

It's Emil And The Detetcive Sande to present the best album award - because you can't do a show on telly without her turning up.

Will it be Bowie again? Has he more words for Kate Moss to read out about the Scotland referendum?

No, it's the Arctic Monkeys, thereby closing the circle of the band who played first picking up the last award.

They're over the show by now. We're all over the show by now.

Alex just babbles a bit. He could be deliberately trying to see if he can push the show over time single-handed, which is the first thing in any way interesting to happen tonight.

10.02
Jesus. Corden is at a table which appears to be stuffed with the cast of Pointless Celebrities - Rizzle Kicks, Tom Daley, Rita Ora, Harry H Corbett, Olive from On The Buses, Nadine Dorries...

10.03
They're going for a break before the closing number. They're TAKING A BREAK BEFORE DOING THE BIG FINISH.

By the time they get to the 398th trail for Ant And Dec, half the room at the O2 will be queueing for their coats and the other half will be minesweeping the leftover lagers from the expensive tables.

10.06
More breaking awards news:

Congratulations Royal Television Society Regional Presenter of the Year: Stewart White, BBC Look East

— Michael Crick (@MichaelLCrick) February 19, 2014

"The panel were impressed wiht Stewart's ability to read a headline about the Cambridge Guided busway for the 79th consecutive day without looking as bored as the audience."

I've just realised that there have been hardly any music ads in the breaks tonight - there's just been one for Pharrell's album, but more or less everything else has been not music. If even the music industry can't be fagged to advertise in the Brits, what IS the point?

Pharrell and Niles are doing the closing number, then. Not Prince. Which is a bit of a shame as Prince had made his band turn up carrying their instruments at the start of the show. Maybe he was just waiting to be asked, guys.

I've still yet to have it convincingly explained to me why Pharrell is wearing Dudley Do-right's hat.

10.13
They've finished with enough time to do a highlights package. In fact, given how few highlights there were, they've got more than enough time to do a highlights package.

The voiceover at the end suggests that all that was missing was Ant And Dec. Perhaps. It was crying out for a bit more atmosphere and surprise.

We have made it through - thank you for the comments, and the plugs on Twitter. I'm now choosing cinnamon rolls over the ITV2 aftershow. I hope God can forgive me.