Twittergem: Eminem

Can I have your attention, please?

Are you Eminem? Let's find out... pic.twitter.com/9NzyH2xeRQ

— MmmmDowling (@MarionDowling) January 25, 2014

Eminem doesn't do social media

You won't find Eminem on the social networks, you know:

Asked if he is on social media platforms, Eminem jokes: "I am on social media all day. In front of a computer, blogging constantly. Yo, does someone got my laptop?"

He then explains that he tries to avoid social media in order to avoid confrontations. "I really try not to pay attention," he says. "Put it this way, I want to keep my finger on the pulse of what's going on, so I don't want to be ignorant in that sense. But at the same time, I can't pay attention to what everyone is saying. I would never be able to make music, I don't think, if I got caught up in that. Because I would probably get caught up in some ugly arguments with people. 'Yo, drive to my house now.' It would consume a lot of my time and it would be very counter-productive for me to do that. But I still do, and that's what's fucked up."

Yes, if there's one thing we know about Eminem it's that he hates having his arguments in public.

Here's a philosophical question, though: There's an Eminem verified Twitter account which is quite busy. But if Eminem happily admits that he doesn't get involved in social media, in what sense is the identity of the Eminem account "verified"? If someone takes that blue tick as a sign that it's really Eminem, are they being misled? Ought there to be a different symbol to show it's really the brand, not the man?

Gordon in the morning: A favour we could do without

Eminem is, it appears, helping us out:

EMINEM is doing the British music industry another favour 13 years after boosting DIDO’s career by sampling her track Thank You on his controversial single Stan.

That was a favour? We're still picking up the pieces from that one.

The American rapper has now sampled young Bristolian singer JAMIE N COMMONS for the chorus of an upcoming new single of his.
[...]
The blues-influenced singer will be hoping that his career goes the same way as Dido’s did.

Heh heh, very funny, Gordon.

Oh, hang on, you're not joking, are you?

The way Dido's career went, in case anyone's forgotten, was a drop in 15 million sales between first and third albums. Her last release, Safe Trip Home, didn't even make Gold in the UK, and that's despite a tie-in with Nectar Cards.

But, hey, if Jamie Commons wants a career that goes the same way, who are we to argue? Maybe he's got plans to open a DIY store or something in 2016.

Elsewhere in Gordon's section, Jennifer Lawrence appears to have been running around with her tits out:

Jennifer Lawrence flashes her ‘wonky boobs’ at Oscar nominees’ bash

Really, Alison Maloney? Jennifer Lawrence was flashing her breasts at an Oscars party? Are you sure?

The Silver Linings Playbook star – who recently stunned docs with worries about her wonky boobs – flashed her cleavage in the plunging floral gown at the Hollywood Reporter Nominees’ Night at Spago.

Ah, so when you say "flashes her boobs", you mean "wears a dress with a V-shaped neck". That's not really the same thing, is it?

Gordon in the morning: Slim pickings

Ed Sheeran has been thinking about working with Eminem. He isn't going to. Not yet, anyway:

ED SHEERAN says he doesn’t want to collaborate with legendary US rapper EMINEM – because he’s not ready.

Because this is just a stumpy little piece, and because it's Gordon Smart, there's no context at all for why Sheeran might suddenly be talking about Eminem. To be fair to Ed, it looks more like he's talking about working with any of the Grammy Bunch, and Eminem was just the name he threw in as an example.

Now, let's stop being fair to Ed, shall we? Life's too short, and he says things like this:

The Suffolk lad said: “I’m going to wait until a point when I’m on a level where I can make that call, because I don’t want any leg ups now.

Wasn't all the help he got from Jamie Foxx a massive leg-up? Indeed, isn't nearly any successful music career based almost entirely on the number of leg-ups you get?

“I want to do my thing in my scene, my acoustic world, and then go over to the States.”

But you've already been to the States. Jamie Foxx? Remember?

You've got to love Sheeran's pretence that he's some sort of wandering acoustic minstrel rather than a sub-brand of Warner Music Group.

The A Team singer and Brit winner added: “I want to be able to get up to a stage where it’s not weird to ask someone like Eminem to hop on a tune.”

Asking someone to hop on a tune. He would ask Eminem to hop on a tune. Hop. On a tune.

We'll never know how it ends

The high-profile battle between Eminem and Universal over digital royalties has ended in a slightly more low-key way.

There's a settlement, but it's secret.

So we can only conclude that the cash Universal are giving Eminem is large enough to persuade them they don't want other artists to know how much, and large enough for him to be persuaded to keep his mouth shut.

Universal charge Eminem the costs of trying to rip him off

There's a strange little detail in the audit of monies owed to Eminem by Universal.

The label had been to court for a tussle over iTunes royalties - Universal said they should be at the lower rate for sales; Eminem felt they were licences and should be charged at a higher rate.

Eminem won; hence Universal having to work out how much they owed. Techdirt's Mike Masnick spotted the sting:

However, the most insane thing here may be the line at the bottom, in which it appears that Universal held back $2 million in a "legal hold." Gardner notes that this is money held back to pay for this very lawsuit.

Obviously, it's not ethical - it's a record label, you wouldn't expect them to behave ethically - but can that even be legal?

MTV EMAs: Eminem? EMINEM?

Trying to find a list of winners at last night's MTV EMAs in Belfast, I had trouble working out if I was reading results from last night or about five years ago. Eminem and Linkin Park? But there's Bieber and GaGa and Bruno Mars, so it must be for 2011. Or p... hang about: Bruno Mars? Two prizes for Bruno Mars?

Bruno Mars, a man so pointless you can't actually make an origami model of him because when you start with a flat sheet of paper it's already too complex a shape?

Bruno Mars, a man who milliners are offering money to stop wearing hats?

Bruno Mars, a man who would struggle to be picked out of a criminal line-up even if his victim had been his own mother?

Bruno Mars, a man who is so friction-free they rub his music onto slipways when they have trouble persuading liners to launch?

In a prize giving where 30 Seconds To Mars are judged to be the "best" alternative act (alternative to what?) and Bieber the best male artist, it's some going to pick a winner even more insulting to Euterpe, but giving a prize to Bruno Mars manages it.

Bruno Mars. A man so inert they pump him into mines during rescues to ensure there are no explosions.

Here's the winners in full:

Best Female: Lady GaGa
Best Male: Justin Bieber
Best Pop: Justin Bieber
Best Song: Lady GaGa - "Born This Way"
Best Rock: Linkin Park
Best Video: Lady GaGa - "Born This Way"
Biggest Fans: Lady GaGa
Best Alternative: 30 Seconds to Mars
Best Hip Hop Eminem
Best World Stage: 30 Seconds to Mars
Best Push: Bruno Mars
Best New: Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars. A man so devoid of charisma he makes Bruno Brookes ashamed of his given name.

Global Icon: Queen
Best North American Act: Britney Spears
Best Worldwide: Big Bang

It's been a shame that MTV has more-or-less given up on music programming in the last few years. Perhaps that explains why its prize-giving is so timid.

Elton John explains Eminem's weak Christmas market offering

Naturally, Elton didn't say directly that Eminem's record label was backed into re-releasing the last album with some stuff that didn't really make the cut tucked into it, but Eminem turns out to have been busy elsewhere:

Elton John says he has been helping American rapper Eminen fight drug problems for more than a year.

Let's hope John can sort Eminem out in the next couple of months, or hapless Mathers fans will be shelling out for some sort of greatest hits package come next autumn.

Gordon in the morning: Eminem's career must be on the slide

The whole suggestion that Eminem is begging Simon Cowell for a judging seat on the X Facor seems strange.

Sure, you can see why Eminem might need to try and find a way in front of a big audience again, perhaps with a caption saying "Yes, he's still going", but why would he set his back-to-front baseball cap at X Factor instead of American Idol? Or did he issue two statements, identical except for the programme name, tailored to each market?

Em believes he could judge better:

Eminem, real name MARSHALL MATHERSIII, said: "No disrespect to the current judges but you need people who are global, platinum-selling stars. You need to prepare contestants for what it's really like out there, and what sort of pressure you are going to be under."

It's not disrespectful, but, hey, your current judges are nobodies.

The big question is why, exactly, you'd need judges who know what it's like to be a mulit-platinum selling artist to spot a person who could successfully have a single number one before booking two seasons' panto in Northampton.

Given that Eminem's biggest gift to the world so far has been starting Dido on a career, let's hope Cowell quietly ignores him.

Even Eminem realises he's run out of ideas

Instead of the promised second collection of Relapse, Eminem is going to just toss out a special edition of the first Relapse for the Christmas market.

Relapse: The Landfill (sorry, Refill) is the first album with a few extra tracks which, apparently, aren't good or interesting enough to stand up on their own. There is no reason for anyone who lashed out for the original version of the record to feel like they've been sold short or foolish now they're asking them to buy it all over again.

BET hip-hop awards: That's probably all we need from Eminem

During last night's BET HipHop Awards, Eminem took part in a rap-event which saw him trot out this line:

“My dick is so big if I add another inch to it you would swear when I raped you that you was actually into it.”

Rolling Stone's reaction is to flubber about if BET should have broadcast the line or just cut it out, which seems to be missing the point by an olympic length. Yes, they probably should have broadcast it rather than pretending Eminem didn't say it.

The question, surely, is what the hell was he thinking when he used the line in the first place?

Eminem and Apple make peace

Eminem's publishing team, Eight Mile Style, and Apple, have come to an agreement over the Em's complaints that Apple had no right to be selling his music, Variety is reporting.

No word on what the deal is, but the smart money is that the millions of dollars demanded won't be turning up anywhere.

Gordon in the morning: Whitney forgets herself

Pete Samson has been busy getting a scoop by watching Whitney Houston on Oprah Winfrey:

DIVA WHITNEY HOUSTON "totally forgot" she was a singing star in the depths of her drug addiction, she said last night.

Well, she was doing a lot of the drucks, but did she really totally forget that she was the woman who made My Love Is Your Love? You can see why that would be attractive, but is it really what she meant?

She said: "I didn't think about the singing part anymore. I'd totally forgotten about that life. I had so much money by that time."

So she didn't actually "forget" she was a pop star, she seems to mean that she no longer thought about the job.

While Pete Samson was sat watching Oprah, Gordon was watching the MTV awards (Any luck, James and Rupert, on plans to make sure that people don't take your content and use it elsewhere? I'm sure you wouldn't want your paywall breached by bloggers and other news sites writing about what your writers wrote about when they were watching television.)

KUGELSACKGATE meant May's MTV Movie Awards were talked about for days afterwards.

When SACHA BARON COHEN's bare behind greeted EMINEM's stony face, headlines were made around the world.

Well, people like you wrote about it. What was it you said, Gordon?

The “kugelsack” incident at the MTV Movie Awards last weekend was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

It’s up there with Del Boy falling through the bar in Only Fools And Horses.

Watching EMINEM recoil in horror as Bruno’s g-string clad backside slapped his face will go down in comedy legend.

Hee hee hee. I loved the bit where he said that thing about garlic bread and did the robot dance.

But there was darkness at the heart of that oh-so-humourous moment, wasn't there, Gordon?

But that turned out to be an elaborate stunt.

It turned out that you can't just drop a guy from highwires and have the camera team and producers catch it without it all being set-up first. (I think Gordon means 'set-up' rather than 'stunt' - even if Eminem had been unaware that MTV feel he needs a comedy sidekick, it would still have been a stunt, wouldn't it?)

So, having fooled Gordon once, he's not going to be fooled again:

I wonder if the same will turn out to be true of the unsavoury events at Sunday 's MTV Video Music Awards?

Do you wonder that, Gordon?

The odd thing is, he then writes his piece as if he wasn't wondering that at all, but just taking the event at face value, ending on:

Not surprisingly, Kanye won nothing.

But if he'd been taking part in an elaborate stunt set up with the producers, that everyone was in on, why would that have made it unlikely he'd win an award? And if it was spontaneous, how would that have changed the names already sealed in envelopes? Or if you just mean that Kanye and his increasingly dull activities make it unsurprising that he didn't win? But if he's such poison, why did MTV invite him in the first place?

God "rather keen" to be left out of Eminem-Mariah spat

Visions of the Holy Mother have appeared in Lourdes, Knock and Fatima over the past 24 hours to brief members of the press and clergy about God's response to Nick Cannon's latest attacks on Eminem.

Nick Cannon - who, you'll already have forgotten, is married to Mariah Carey - has been Bible-Tweeting to show the latest depth of his hump with Eminem:

Nick wrote: "Quote of the day, 'Never argue with fools because from a distance people can't tell who is who.' "

He later added: "Never take your own revenge, but rather give place unto the wrath. For it is written vengeance is mine, I will repay... PREACH! 'I will bless those that bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse.' Genesis 12:3."

Nick's response continued: "Be patient in the moment of anger and escape a hundred days of sorrow!

"People who project negativity ultimately are crying out for their own broken souls. Trying to save a hater is like trying to teach astrophysics to a wino!"

The Lourdes manifestation of the BVM was direct: "Look, I was talking to God this morning" she said, wiping the tears of blood from her eyes. "He was pretty clear that he didn't want to get involved in the dispute. 'Mary' he said to me, 'I haven't even been asked to judge an early round on American Idol. Why would I want to come in to judge this one'"

Two hours later, appearing on the wall in a chapel in Fatima, the second vision added this: "God's been musing on this all morning, you know. He's especially annoyed that Cannon did the thing about 'vengeance being mine'. Because it is. It's his. If there's any vengeance to be done, God will be doing it. Make no mistake of that. And he'll decide where it goes, thank you very much. Because it's his. The vengeance. Not Nick Cannon's, thank you very much."

The vision then cured two of the faithful of halitosis, and one man's bunions, before de materialising.

A further appearance at Knock was apparently preceded by a disembodied voice yelling "Look, Lord, can't you just send a burning bush? Or get a Twitter account? Do I always have to be your bloody go-between?". A shimmering, but slightly annoyed looking vision of the Virgin then appeared, delivering the following statement:

"God is rather keen to be left out of this whole thing anyway. He's everywhere, remember, so had to watch when Eminem and Mariah were at it - he can't look away, can he? And he tells me it was all somewhat dull for what's meant to be original sin, though I couldn't comment on that myself, could I?

"Although what God's really annoyed about at the moment is the suggestion that there's no point in teaching astrophysics to a wino. 'Cannon seems very good at quoting me' he was fuming, 'but he doesn't seem to understand me very well'. God then went on this long lecture about how winos are no less capable of understanding astrophysics than students are, and just because he's given them a drink problem doesn't mean there's no reason why someone shouldn't clean a wino up, dry them out, and help them follow their dreams of studying astrophysics. Except then he got even more angry, demanding to know why people wanted to understand physics at that level anyway. Seriously. He doesn't like it, the astrophysics. Sees it as people poking about in his handiwork. 'It's like someone going into a hotel room, and folding back the carpet to see if there's dust been swept underneath it' - that's what God's always saying about astrophysics. I wouldn't know, myself, not having been able to get a hotel room even when nine months pregnant, but tell him that and he blows up: 'It's a metaphor... why can't you people grasp the idea of metaphor and allegory? Why are you always looking for the sodding ark like there's an actual ark?' He's a pain to live with, I'm sorry, but he is.

"Anyway... there you have it. Please leave God out of this, Nick Cannon. Unless you want to spend eternity with the other fella, teaching astrophysics to derelicts."

Joanna Southcott was unavailable for comment before publication deadline.

Eminem reveals "it was all a joke"

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, the intricately-planned and rehearsed stunt featuring Candid Camera's Sacha Baron Cohen and Eminem was an intricately-planned and rehearsed stunt:

“Sacha [Baron Cohen] called me when we were in Europe and he had an idea to do something outrageous at the Movie Awards. I’m a big fan of his work so I agreed to get involved with the gag,” [Eminem] told RapRadar.com. “I’m thrilled that we pulled this off better than we rehearsed it. It had so many people going ‘nuts,’ so to speak. Everyone was blowing me up about it.”

Whoever would have thought that an elaborate and potentially dangerous piece of work like that would have had to have everyone involved in on it, eh?

Gordon in the morning: Classical gas

The online version of Bizarre kicks off this morning with classical music.

Yes, classical music. Philip Case turns in a report on the Classical Brits, which will probably delight the organisers.

Yes, I'm sure. It's classical. In fact, so unlikely is the idea of The Sun giving a second violin about classical music, Gordon Smart contributes a signed piece to reassure readers that it's alright:

WHY the sudden interest in classical music?

Well, they rhyme with Brits and get fellas showing a remarkable understanding of French Horn.

So gents, get down to an opera house to sample some delightful musical AND physical arrangements if you want to meet stunners in Bach-less dresses.

It would be a Verdi wise move if you ask me.

He actually wrote that. It came out of his head, he typed it in, and then published on the Wall Street Journal's sister site. French horn.

I do love the idea of a Sun reader seeing Gordon's advice and turning up at the Welsh National Opera with a hopeful grin and a box of tissues. Actually, I don't love it.

Philip Case's report is just as bad:

MYLEENE KLASS puts the woodwind up the fuddy-duddy world of classical music — arriving at an awards bash last night in this sizzling gown.

Actually, that's unfair to Case. Smart would have used woodwind in an erection gag.

Doubtless there are people at the Classical Brits who will feel that having musicians treated as wank-fodder will be good for the profile of the event and the music it promotes. But "actually, some people who like classical music are quite pretty" is such a toxic message for so many reasons.

But it's not like the music didn't get a look in at all:

In the past the frocks on the do’s red carpet have sometimes been as gloomy as Bach’s famous Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.

Why is the word "famous" in there? Obviously, yes, it is famous, but that does suggest that the word "famous" is redundant; if you need to be told it's famous, then that would suggest you don't know the piece so what would be the point anyway? It's not like Bach produced numerous Toccata and Fuges, most of which are quite jolly, apart from the one everyone knows.

Elsewhere, Gordon is surprised to hear Eminem got help from Elton John:

SIR ELTON JOHN is the Queen of bitching, the master of extravagance and one of the finest songwriters Britain has ever produced.

One thing I never thought would appear beside those CV highlights is the role of drug counsellor to top hip-hop stars.

EMINEM has confessed that Sir Elt is the unlikely character responsible for helping him conquer his drug demons.

I've been impressed before with Smart's willingness to go into print revealing that he apparently doesn't really know very much about the entertainment industry at all - like here, showing that he's apparently unaware that Elton often tries to help guide younger stars from repeating his expensive, miserable mistakes of overindulgence.

Eminem: Some sort of stimulus

It's not going to solve the problems of the motor industry. It's not going to solve the laid-off workers' problems. But Eminem flying sacked auto workers to Jimmy Kimmel and throwing a show for others might at least lift their spirits for a short while.

Unless they hate Eminem's music, of course, but it's the thought that counts.

Eminem hit by Cannon

Had Eminem hoped that his return to active service would be marked by signs that he's still culturally relevant, the discovery that this time round he's only been able to upset America's answer to Ant and Dec is going to come as something of a bit of a disappointment.

Yes, Nick Cannon, host of No, America Really Does Have Talent, isn't taking Eminem picking on Mariah Carey, Mrs. Cannon with a turned cheek. And so he wrote an angry blog.

Then he decided it might be better off to turn the other cheek after all, and the blog vanished. But not before the internet saw it and copied it down, word for word. Entertainment Weekly read it:

A sternly worded post this weekend on Cannon's blog, which seems to have since disappeared (hmm), dismissed Em as being "still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn't let him get to second base from 8 years ago" and summed up Relapse as Eminem "rapping about when he used to be hot...Like when Al Bundy gloats about his High school football prime."

I suspect the post might have been removed when Cannon walked out of his den, and told Mariah what he had done:

- Heh, I've really stuck it to Eminem; I ripped him a new one by telling him off
- That's nice, honey... what did you do?
- I was like, all, you're stuck in the past, rapping about things which were, like, important when you were important, eight years ago. Heh heh... and I'm like get something new, Mr. 2001...
- But... didn't you say he was rapping about me?
- Oh... um... shiiiiitt...

On the other hand, perhaps Cannon pulled the blog because he suddenly realised what this bit sounds like:

"I realized, that this so-called man has just disrespected and slanderized one of the world's most significantly influential artists, one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color, Mariah Carey...You sold your little records and made a little bit of change but now you are stepping in the wrong territory. You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you've made the ultimate mistake.

I'm sure Cannon loves his wife, and anyone would be angry and upset at that. And, yes, Eminem is odious when in full flow. But, really, Cannon, you believe that Eminem is picking on Mariah because she's black?

And - seriously - you think Mariah occupies some sort of she-Mandela position in the global pantheon?

one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color

An inexplicably popular singer, yes. Perhaps on a plane with Whitney Houston. But she's a slightly overelaborative singer; she's not Alice Walker.

Mick Jagger has had sex with himself, effectively

MTV Brazil is encouraging safer sex by running an advertising campaign which seems to imply that whoever you have sex with will have had sex with Mick Jagger at some point, or words to that effect.

It's kind of like rock family trees, but with "shagged" replacing "drummed for version #3 of the band".

I'm not quite sure the chain manages to prove that all sex is, in effect, a circle jerk for Jagger - Eminem shagged Geri Halliwell? Johnny Thunders shagged the hole (sic) world? Something very odd about someone having sex with a tree that became the bed on which David Bowie shagged Mick Jagger?

The message is "always use condoms", although if you are going to have sex with a tree, be aware that condoms can't save you from splinters, even if they can help prevent unplanned saplings.

Slim failure: Eminem loses Universal battle

Attempts by Eminem's producers to win half the royalties from download sales - through a court action against Universal - have failed; a court has rejected his demands.

FBT productions were looking to shift the standard 40% they get from physical sales to 50%. They argued that selling through iTunes and ringtones was a licensing deal; the judge agreed with Universal's view that a digital sale was the same as a CD sale and should be repaid at the same rate.

FBT are looking to appeal; in the meantime, the record labels will be delighted to have swerved what could have been a costly precedent.

It is funny, though: the RIAA insist all their battles for extra revenue from downloads is done to benefit the artists - and yet when the artists ask for some of the money, they end up having to go to court to have it argued why they can't get any.