Sam Smith not quite the first; finds ways to make it worst

Sam Smith won an Oscar last night, and managed to turn his moment of triumph into a massive car crash.

If you or I won a prize for such a terrible record, we might just pick up the statue and leave the auditorium before anyone noticed.

But Sam had to declare how special he was:

As the 23-year-old singer collected his Oscar for best original song for "Writing’s on the Wall" from Spectre at the Academy Awards on Sunday night, he mistakenly dubbed himself the first openly gay man to win an Oscar.

He based this claim on something he thought Ian McKellen had said:

“I read an article a few months ago by Sir Ian McKellen and he said no openly gay man had won an Oscar,” Smith said.

“If this is the case, I want to dedicate this to the LGBT community around the world. I stand here tonight as a proud gay man and I hope that we can all stand as equals one day.”

If you or I were going to go on TV in front of millions and make a bold statement like that, we might have wanted to double check the quote we were half-remembering. It's 2016; you can get a waffle that connects to the internet and allows you to fact check.

Hang on, I've just checked that. It's not true, I meant "phone".

But I was able to check that before I made a massive claim of that nature.

Ian McKellen was, as you'd imagine, lovely about the whole thing:

McKellen, however, doesn't seem to care that he had been misquoted - and was more keen that Smith gets some recognition for winning an Oscar.

He tweeted: "I'd said no openly gay actor had received #Oscars-that doesn’t detract from @samsmithworld achievement. Congratulations to him & all others!"

It kind of does detract, though.

Amongst people pointing out his mistake was Dustin Lance Black, who won for Best Original Screenplay. For Milk. (Winning an Oscar as a gay man, for a film about a gay man; a gay man who did a little more for the cause than singing a James Bond theme toon.)

He wasn't just scoring points, either:

THE POINT: knowing our LGBTQ history is important. We stand on the shoulders of countless brave men and women who paved the way for us.

Well, yes - especially if you're stood on a stage at an Oscars which has all been about representation, and are going to make a claim like that.

Could Smith make matters worse?

Well, yes, he could:

Smith was eventually informed backstage that he actually isn't the first openly gay person to win an Oscar. The list of winners also includes Broadway legend Stephen Sondheim, filmmaker Bill Condon, Melissa Etheridge, Elton John, and lyricist Howard Ashman, who won two Best Original Song awards for his legendary work with Disney.

When a reporter mentioned that Ashman had previously won, Smith did not recognize the name.

"I should know him. We should date," Smith quipped, seemingly unaware that Ashman died from complications from AIDS in 1991.

There's part of me that is impressed that, having been backed into a corner and been told he doesn't know what he's talking about, Smith decided to try and jape his way out of it. "I clearly have no idea who these people are, so I'm going to make a joke", thereby saying he should be dating someone who died before he was even born.

Well done, Sam. Well done.

James Blunt tries to say the right thing, misses badly

What's really a pity about James Blunt's terrible comments about gayness is that he clearly meant well. It's just he has such a cloth ear.

This:

"But to call me gay is a compliment."

This sounds quite positive, doesn't it?

Except it followed this:

Singer-songwriter James Blunt isn't fazed by fans and critics who mistake him for gay. In fact, the five-time Grammy nominee considers it a great honor.

"I sing songs that aren’t very macho, and so people will say, ‘Oh you’re effeminate,’ or ‘gay,’ as if calling me gay were an insult," Blunt, 41, told the BBC.

Oh James. Oh James. Being "macho" isn't the opposite of being gay.

If someone listens to one of your reedy songs and says "it's a watery nothingness and sounds gay", you shouldn't be saying "yes, it's a pissweak emoticon of a song, and I am proud to have written something that sounds gay", you should be staring at them and asking why they think that gay is a synonym for feminine.

He went on to joke that he'd like to be considered "an honorary gay man," primarily because "I’m totally at ease with myself."

Oh James. Oh James. Oh, James. Apart from just how offensive the idea that you should be allowed to identify with an identity you don't identify with, you're again assuming that there's a type of person who is gay, with whom you share those attributes.

That's not how it works. The only attribute gay people have in common is being gay people.

And if you think "being at ease with" yourself is the thing that makes the difference between straight and not-straight people, you might want to ponder the mental health crises some of us experience.

Rob Halford loves a guy in a uniform

Rob Halford just did an interview with OC Weekly where they asked him, effectively, why he fancied squaddies. Like the Prime Minister at PMQs, he felt obligated to start by paying his respects to people in the services:

"Oh my god, this could be a book. There are two sides of this question to me. One of it is based on all of the things people in the military represent, which is the simple fact of keeping us safe in this troubled world. It's also the mindset of the military which has these virtues that mean a lot to me as a person and believing in the cause, in this case a United States Marine, or a Sailor or a Green Beret. There is something very potent and personal and very deep about that conviction, discipline and dedication which I love about their service. That's not just America, but anywhere in the world, really."

Not entirely sure pro-democracy Chinese or anyone else living in a military dictatorship would agree, but that's not really the question's point, is it?

What happens next is almost balletic as Rob trips and turns and jumps and skips to do the second half of his answer. As you read this, remember that all he actually is trying to say is "I have a type":

'm going to stop there, and go into a completely different direction and tell you that as a gay man, the United States Marine Corps has been very attractive to me. There is something very sensual about that branch of the military and ... this is great because I don't really know where my mind is going.

The fact that there are now gay men and women who can openly serve their country is a wonderful thing.

I think the Marine Corps also has a sense of masculinity. There was a U.S. president that said something about the USMC that really encapsulated these types of guys. I can't remember what it was. I think it's also possible it has to do with my own struggles as a gay man. Being a masculine gay guy, and please don't take that the wrong way either. I love all of my gay friends no matter how they appear, I'm trying to use that as an open reference. In my own journey as a gay guy in a straight band and a gay guy in a straight world and a metal world, I found the connection again through the Marine Corps.

Rob, it's okay to have a type. You really don't have to start invoking former Presidents of the United States because you fancy that sort of man. It's really alright.

Ten Walls tiresome homophobe; says he isn't

Ah, Ten Walls. After people got upset with your queerbashy Facebook post, you issued one of those not-really-apologies:

‘I want to apologize for the former post in my account. I am really sorry about its insulting content which does not reflect my true opinion. I hope this misunderstanding will not provoke any more thoughts and opinions. Peace.

Ah, do you hope that this "misunderstanding" will not provoke any more thoughts? Do you?

Sorry about that, Mr Walls, because the first thought that is provoked is 'well, let's look at what it was that was "misunderstood" given that you haven't exactly cleared things up by explaining what your actual views are'.

‘I remember producing music for one Lithuanian musician, who tried to wash my brain that I don’t need to be so conservative and intolerant about them.

‘When I asked him “what would you do if you realized that your 16-year-old son’s browny (anus) is ripped by his boyfriend?” Well he was silent.’

He goes on to say in ‘the good 90s… these people of different breed where fixed’.

And the post likened homosexuality to pedophile abuse by Catholic priests.

‘One of my first gigs in Ireland, on my way to [my] hotel I saw a church with a fence decorated with hundreds of baby shoes. Naturally I wondered why?

‘Unfortunately a priest’s lie for many years was uncovered when children were massively raped.

‘Unfortunately the people of other breed continue to do it and everyone knows it but does nothing.’

I'm guessing the reason the musician was silent when you said 'what if your son had his arse ripped open' was for the same reason most people are quiet when they're harangued by a hate-filled idiot - they're working out where the nearest exit is and slowly plotting an escape.

Still, you can see why Ten Walls is hoping that people won't think about that post any more, because the more you think about it, the harder it is to see how 'different breed' and the conflation of violent, abusive rapists and people who have sex with others who share their gender could have been 'misunderstood'.

Fort Romeau has had some opinions, too:

I was due to support Ten Walls at Koko, London in November, in light of recent comments made by him on Facebook I have decided to cancel.

Its easy to romanticise electronic music culture and imagine it as a bastion of social liberalism and progressive ideology but the reality is that it simply reflects the larger social context where homophobia and (particularly) sexism are normalised and worse, codified into law. [...] Clearly there is a long way to go. Until legal parity is accorded no snappy neo-liberal sloganeering about “freedom” and “individuality” really means anything.

so while cancelling one gig is hardly going to change the world, it does stand as a personal rejection of bigotry, fear and intolerance.

Russian politician finally finds something positive about U2's iTunes giveaway

Who knew? That time when the U2 album cluttered up desktops and mobiles across the world wasn't a dying dinosaur's desperate grab for relevance. It turns out it was gay propaganda all along:

In Russia, Duma deputy Alexander Starovoitov​, a member of the far right LDPR party, asked Russia's attorney general to investigate U2 for distributing "gay pornography" to minors.
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This is apparently because of the album's cover picture (by Glen Luchford) of U2 drummer Larry Mullen jr embracing his 18-year-old son, Elvis. Both were shirtless.

Now, if only Bono had thought of that line at the time, maybe he might have found some support.

Although the rantings of a right-wing jabberloon might be amusing, this is part of the hardening hatred for LGBT people in Russia, and while we don't need to take Starovoitov's U2 gay panic seriously, we need to take the witch-hunt winds on which his stench is blowing very seriously indeed.

Two cheers for Marina Diamandis

Oh, Marina out of Marina and The Diamonds, you are ace for calling out the 'I love the gays' demographic-box-tickers:

"When you're an artist, you giving a shit does not equate to going 'I love you guys!' five times a day on Twitter," said Diamandis during a telephone interview, "If you want to do something, you do it in action.

"I am always up for supporting anyone who has suffered prejudice or discrimination -- and I always will be," she went on to say of her LGBT following. "But it's not something I have publicly done a lot of yet. We'll see. It is important to me, because it makes up a significant part of my fan base."

Sort of aces - "it makes up part of my base". It? But let's let that one go.

"Sometimes I feel it's a little contrived," she stated, "I hope you can see what I mean by that, in terms of female pop stars going, 'I love my gay fan base' -- making that a thing. I don't believe in that.

"I would support that all of my fanbase is equal," Diamandis continued, "I hope I can support straight guys as much as I can teenage girls."

Yeah, Marina. Straight guys are under so much yoke of prejudice, you really should ensure you can support them as much as possible.

But that's quibbling. Standing up and saying 'if you really love your queer fans when they're buying tickets for your shows, what are you doing for them?' is something we've been waiting for for a long time.

Freeobit: Andy Fraser

Andy Fraser, bassist with Free, has died.

There's an official statement:

Andrew McLan Fraser passed away on Monday at his home in California. He leaves behind his daughters Hannah and Jasmine Fraser, and their mother Ri, his sister Gail, brothers Gavin and Alex, and many friends and associates in the industry.

“A survivor of both cancer and AIDS, Andy was a strong social activist and defender of individual human rights.

Fraser was diagnosed HIV+ in the 1980s; his illness with Sarcoma followed soon after.

On his personal website, Fraser wrote frankly about his struggle with his sexuality. Conflicted between feelings and image, he went as far as planning a suicide - talking with a reporter who had helped her terminally ill mother die; arranging how he'd do it; putting his affairs in order. Amazingly, it was the detailed planning of his death that helped him past it:

[I planned] until, in my mind, the event had already happened, and I thought 'what the bloody hell did that solve?' Nothing. So finally, I had to come around to acceptance.

Fraser didn't find coming out easy; being wracked with pain didn't help, either. He says he had to find new reasons not to kill himself every day for three years. But he got through it, finally finding a place where, in his words, he could say:

fuck you, everybody; I'm not hiding any more

A lot of his obituaries will record his victories over cancer and AIDS. His survival as a gay man in an era when that brought a mountain of struggles, and over suicidal depression, should also be celebrated.

Fraser was 62. He co-wrote a song that actually lives up to the accolade iconic:

Azealia Banks: Having a vagina makes it impossible to be a homophobe

The second story in a row about a straight person explaining why their apparent homophobia doesn't count. It is still 2015, right?

This time, its Azealia Banks - the most-successful pop star with a name that sounds like a dementia care home - who got caught in a Twitter row with a Vice writer. The whole thing is rather grim, but boils down to this:

You gay bloggers try waving the homophobia flag like at me like women are not the original source of all things fabulous feminine and clever. I own all this.

Hidden in there is an argument that suggests that it's alright to use "twink" as a term of abuse, if you're a woman, because they're feminized men and so that femininity belongs to women.

Yes, I know. I know. But here's where what is merely incoherent becomes quite incredible:

do you know that I am woman and I invented everything feminine? Including giving birth to gay men?

I've checked wikipedia twice now, and can't see the names of Azealia Banks' gay children, and I'm pretty certain her given age of 23 makes the invention of everything feminine unlikely.

Look, I don't think any of us have the energy to raise the questions about the confusion of gender, the stereotyping of gay sexuality, or even the suggestion that possession of a vagina makes it impossible for charges of homophobia to stick.

Anyway, Banks has now moved on to a spot of whiteface, and some more considered thoughts on modern queer politics:

Gay media has to stop using homophobia as a means to try and victimize itself and scar the names of its opponents… Phobia would imply that I am scared of gay men or dislike them because of what they choose to do sexually… I promise, no one gives a f*ck what u decide to do in your private lives. But I also promise, that no matter how bitchy and clever you think you are.. That I will out-bitch you… But I’m just going to ignore yall from here on out cause YALL are really just reaching and looking for any reason to insert ur selves In the Azealia Banks story.

No, Azealia. Nobody is trying to insert themselves into your narrative. They just wish it wasn't constantly entwining with their own.

All That Remains: There's no reason for anyone to worry about 'faggot'

All That Remains, very much the part of the late-era dwindling Limp Bizkit clone scene (now well into its Carry On Columbus years) is led by Phil Labonte. He doesn't understand why people have a problem with him chucking the word 'faggot' about:

Wiederhorn asked Labonte about his use of homophobic slurs, specifically, his use of the word “faggot” in 2011 and his 2005 declaration that PC, or political correctness, “is for faggots.”

“I have nothing against gay people,” Labonte said. Referring to the f word, he said, “It’s just a word.” The singer, who is white, said he believes no one besides African-Americans has a right to complain about slanderous language.

“Honestly, I think the only people that have a legit grievance when it comes to any racial slurs is the black community,” Labonte said. “I know the homosexual community has problems with it and I understand their hurt feelings. But homosexuals were never property. They’ve had a rough time and I’m not trying to minimize that, but I think the black community has a whole lot more room to be upset about a word than the LGBT community.

“It’s one thing to say, ‘This guy said something and it hurt my feelings and it bummed me out and it sucks.’ Okay, that’s a good perspective. But I don’t know that you need a whole social movement.

“When it comes to the shit that black people have gone through I think it’s okay to be like, ‘Well you know, that was seriously fucked up.’ We need to do something about this.”

It's always nice to hear a white, middle-class, straight man taking time out of his busy career to draw up a list of which marginalised groups have legitimate grievances and which don't.

A spokesperson for all the gays, lesbian, bi, pan and genderqueer people issued a statement in response: "It's obviously disappointing that centuries of violent repression isn't enough to get us approved as having a genuine grievance but obviously Labonte's opinion is compelling. If, for him, the extermination of gay people in Nazi death camps; incidents such as the beating to a slow death of gay men like Ritch Dowrey; 54 countries at the UN having officially signed up as being against LGBT rights; and the findings by Amnesty that lawyers and other supporters of equality are routinely hassled - if all that isn't enough for our grievances to be valid in his eyes, well, fair enough."

All gay pride marches have been cancelled in favour of All That Remains gigs for the foreseeable future.

Shayne Ward's heart is in the right place, kind of

Shayne Ward has given an interview to Attitude, in which he sort-of says the right things, but not quite:

I get called gay all the time. Normally, from a jealous boyfriend of a girl who’s a fan or a group of guys in a pub shouting at me because I’m a pop star. It doesn’t bother me. I am very thick skinned and can handle situations very well. Plus half of the idiots shouting abuse are probably hiding in the closet and fancy me as well. Ha! I’ve always known I was straight thanks to my brother’s collection of magazines. I love boobs. If I were gay my family are amazing and wouldn’t shut out anyone. They’d never have a problem if any of my family said they were gay. Only welcoming arms full of love!”

First of all: Shayne, honey: your last top ten single was in 2007, nobody is doing anything because you're a "pop star".

It sounds all vaguely positive, though: I don't mind if people call me gay, and even if I was, my family wouldn't mind.

Except, leaving aside the complete erasure of the possibility of bi or pansexuality from his world, there's something problematic about the suggestion that being called gay is something that requires "a thick skin". And the "they're calling me gay because they're probably gay" is hardly very socially aware when you come to it.

But mostly, it's the pop star thing.

Tatu still managing to upset gay people in 2014

For a very long time, one of the most-read pieces on No Rock And Roll Fun has been the one where Tatu broke off from filming videos of themselves snogging in the pouring rain to ask why everyone thought they were gay.

I think, nine years down the line, it's still puzzling Yulia, as she's now going to extraordinary lengths to distance herself a bit further from That Sort Of Thing, mainly by coming out as a flaming bigot:

Volkova has now revealed that her support for gay rights have since waned and says she would not accept her son if her were gay.

"Yes, I would condemn him, because I believe that a real man must be a real man," she said. "God created man for procreation, it is the nature. The man for me is the support, the strength of... I won't accept a gay son."

The idea of not accepting a gay son, in the way one might refuse to sign for a delivery of chipboard.

Obviously, we don't need to waste much time engaging with the substance of Yulia's homophobia, or her theology. Or her, much.

But you might be wondering 'hey, didn't Tatu at least try and salvage their image the last time round by making some token support for LGBT issues? Isn't this making her look not only like a terrible, terrible person, but one who is perhaps suggesting that was all less than genuine?'

And you'd be right.

But Yulia has a workaround. Let's hear it, Yulia:

She was quick to add that her views aren’t at odds with her previous work; lesbians are a more acceptable form of sexuality than gay men, she claims, because women are "aesthetically nicer".

Okay, when I said we don't need to spend much time engaging with Yulia's substance, I might have been wrong.

Because she seems to be implying that lesbianism is absolutely fine, because women are nice to look at, the logic appears to suggest that she's looked at some cocks and decided they're pretty poorly designed.

From this, she's rationalised that since nobody would want to engage with something so ridgy, and thrusting, and dribbly-when-enraged, and coloured with a purple that Dulux has never tried to recreate, the only possible reason you'd want to go near one would be, reluctantly, to make a baby. And if there's not going to be a baby coming out of the encounter, why would you bother?

Winningly, Yulia has managed to invert one of the stock pieces of lazy gay stereotyping - that they're all aesthetes - and turned it on its head to suggest that for two men to enjoy their company when they're naked, those men would have to have no sense of style or taste at all.

So is Yulia right that acts of same-sex activity can pervert society? Actually, yes, in one very specific way.

Because, although All The Things She Said was a cracking pop song, without the video it would probably have been overlooked, and by now Tatu would, as a band, be too obscure a reference for Pointless and probably only deployed during the latter stages of Only Connect, if at all. Ironically, we could all probably be moving on without having to worry about what a spiteful Russian woman thought about men who have sex with men if that woman hadn't spent time snogging another woman in the rain, in front of a camera, a decade ago.

That might be, uniquely, the one piece of same-sex activity we'd all have been better off without.

Bobi Wine put back in the bottle

Ugandan pop star Bobi Wine has been refused a visa to play the UK because he's a homophobe.

Of course, he's one of those homophobes who even lack the courage to own their hate, explaining in a tortuous Daily Monitor op-ed why he was actually on the side of the angels:

I am personally not out to threaten the life of any individual based on their sexual Orientation, I just DO NOT agree with them.

See? He's got this image of being intolerant, but he doesn't want anyone to be killed for having a relationship; he just doesn't "agree" with them.

I'm not quite sure the queer community anywhere is looking for people to "agree" with them, as if your sexuality is a suggestion.

This is my opinion and happens to be that of 99 per cent Ugandans/Africans basing on our culture, religion and Constitution.

Yes, he did say that 99% per cent of African's opinion is that they don't agree with homosexuals.

Why, Bobi straightsplains, its not even that the (then yet to be struck down) Ugandan anti-gay laws are looking to kill gay people:

It's a misinterpretation to say that Uganda wants to kill homosexuals because the biggest section for the offenders (aggravated homosexuality with a minor where the offender is HIV positive) is life imprisonment and not death.

The intention of the Act is to stop promotion and exhibition of homosexual practices. In fact, degenerate passions can be regulated by discipline and the benefit of the law is to create standard behaviour for us Ugandans.

You see? What could be more reasonable than a piece of legislation which only calls for death for some people who have same-sex relationships? If anything, Wine's crime is being too liberal.

Oh, hang about a moment, Bobi doesn't want this generous not-killing-ALL-the-gays to make him look like he might, god forbid, in any way agrees with them:

Homosexuality may be a phenomenal that has lived in the nooks of society and as humanity requires, I sympathise with the victim, in the confines of the word victim and most definitely sympathy should not be misinterpreted as endorsement.

The Phenomenal Homosexual Nook is, of course, Barnes & Noble's best selling e-reader.

I love the idea that as he was pounding his keyboard, Wine read back the first three-quarter of his rant and worried "ooh, don't want anyone to think that I'm promoting homosexuality here. Better make it clear that 'I don't want you to be killed' isn't a marketing slogan."

How be it, I completely fail to understand the pride and why the gays are so happy about it. If my opinion makes me third world, then I am happy to be.

"You know, if the gays think that this whole gay thing makes them happy, they should try chuntering on with inane, hateful viewpoints. Then they'd know what happy is."

As a role model in this dear country, on matters of public interest, I'm expected to air out an opinion that is not manipulated by sycophancy, fear or favour. And as far as this is concerned, I hope that the proponents of homosexuality who pride themselves in their liberalism and support for human rights, will allow me my right of expression much as they may not be comfortable with my opinion.

Absolutely, Bobi Wine. You are allowed your opinion - and an opinion, unlike a sexual orientation, is a thing which other people are invited to agree or disagree with. Nobody is trying to shut you up. They just wish you would.

The bottom line is that we should struggle to better our selves and it's not fair when one tries to "arm-twist" society to legalise bad habits just because they have a sponsor.

Homosexuality is brought to you by Vauxhall - driving your bad habits all the way home, and Nike - sponsoring homosexuality to stop Adidas from doing it.

We just can't compromise our Values and Dignity.

Your values and dubious, and you have no dignity. Enjoy your staycation, Bobi.

Grammys 2014: Daft Punk get lucky

Emmylou Harris, Black Sabbath, Herb Alpert, Led Zeppelin. Nothing says "it's the 1970s" like the 2014 Grammy awards. Even Paul McCartney got a prize, for that Sound City project thing, which made a nice change from the bit of the ceremony which they banged on about The Beatles. Where they reunited The Beatles, or what's left of them. Oh, and The Beatles even got a prize, too. The Beatles.

Oh, sure, there's a few prizes given to Daft Punk, but really, more than ever, this year's Grammys was The Music Industry Nurtures The Artist Who Are At The Heart Of A Catalogue Business Strategy. (Effectively, a prize for Bruno Mars and Michael Buble is the same thing - if not artists who made records twenty years ago, then artists who could have made their records twenty years ago.)

Meanwhile, the long battle for the right to marry the person you love was reduced to a stunt at a music business jolly as Macklemore and Ryan Lewis wheeled in Madonna and Queen Latifah to rush through a Moonie-style mass wedding:

The weddings of 33 couples during the Grammy Awards were legally presided over by Queen Latifah. The rapper-actress-talk show host had to be sworn in as a commissioner by the state of California to perform the ceremony.
"You can call me Queen Commish for a little longer," she joked backstage Sunday night.

Latifah said she's not an ordained minister and her special powers expired at midnight.

"It was something I took very seriously," she said. "That is someone's life commitment to one another, you want to make sure you do it right. That's what sunk in for me."

Yeah. It's someone's life commitment, and how can you take that more seriously by having it squeezed in between Madonna's chorus, the network cutting to commercials and the prize for the least threatening R&B performance?

I know the intention was to be positive, and I know Macklemore and Lewis' song was at least about gender-blind marriage, but god, what a shitty, miserable little stunt; using people's love for each other to shore up an awards ceremony.

I guess we're lucky that the Grammys started a couple of years after Rosa Parks made her stand, otherwise we'd have had buses of all kinds of people being driven round and round the stage to demonstrate just how forward-thinking the horribly conservative music industry is.

Here are the winners in full from last night:

Album of the Year:
Daft Punk, Random Access Memories (Julian Casablancas, DJ Falcon, Todd Edwards, Chilly Gonzales, Giorgio Moroder, Panda Bear, Nile Rodgers, Paul Williams & Pharrell Williams, featured artists; Thomas Bangalter, Julian Casablancas, Guy-Manuel De Homem-Christo, DJ Falcon & Todd Edwards, producers; Peter Franco, Mick Guzauski, Florian Lagatta, Guillaume Le Braz & Daniel Lerner, engineers/mixers; Antoine "Chab" Chabert & Bob Ludwig, mastering engineers)

Record of the Year:
Daft Punk, "Get Lucky" (Thomas Bangalter & Guy-Manuel De Homem-Christo, producers; Peter Franco, Mick Guzauski, Florian Lagatta & Daniel Lerner, engineers/mixers; Antoine "Chab" Chabert & Bob Ludwig, mastering engineers)

Song of the Year:
Lorde, "Royals" (Joel Little & Ella Yelich O'Connor, songwriters)

Best Country Album:
Kacey Musgraves, Same Trailer Different Park

Best Pop Vocal Album:
Bruno Mars, Unorthodox Jukebox

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration:
Jay Z Featuring Justin Timberlake, "Holy Grail"

Best Pop Solo Performance:
Lorde, "Royals"

Best Rock Song:
Dave Grohl, Paul McCartney, Krist Novoselic, and Pat Smear, "Cut Me Some Slack"

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance:
Daft Punk Featuring Pharrell Williams and Nile Rodgers, "Get Lucky"

Best New Artist:
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

Best Rock Album:
Led Zeppelin, Celebration Day

Best Metal Performance:
Black Sabbath, "God Is Dead?"

Producer of the Year, Non-Classical:
Pharrell Williams

Best Alternative Music Album:
Vampire Weekend, Modern Vampires of the City

Best Rock Performance:
Imagine Dragons, "Radioactive"

Best Country Song:
Kacey Musgraves, "Merry Go 'Round" (Shane McAnally, Kacey Musgraves and Josh Osborne)

Best Country Solo Performance:
Darius Rucker, "Wagon Wheel"

Best Country Duo/Group Performance:
the Civil Wars, "From This Valley"

Best Music Film:
Paul McCartney, Live Kisses (Jonas Åkerlund, video director; Violaine Etienne, Aron Levine and Scott Rodger, video producers)

Best Music Video:
Justin Timberlake Featuring Jay Z, "Suit and Tie" (David Fincher, video director; Timory King, video producer)

Best Blues Album:
Ben Harper With Charlie Musselwhite, Get Up!

Best R&B Album:
Alicia Keys, Girl on Fire

Best Urban Contemporary Album:
Rihanna, Unapologetic

Best R&B Song:
Justin Timberlake, "Pusher Love Girl" (James Fauntleroy, Jerome Harmon, Timothy Mosley and Justin Timberlake, songwriters)

Best Traditional R&B Performance:
Gary Clark, Jr., "Please Come Home"

Best R&B Performance:
Snarky Puppy With Lalah Hathaway, "Something"

Best Pop Instrumental Album:
Herb Alpert, Steppin' Out

Best Dance Recording:
Zedd Featuring Foxes, "Clarity"

Best Dance/Electronica Album:
Daft Punk, Random Access Memories

Best Rap Performance:
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis Featuring Wanz, "Thrift Shop"

Best Rap Song:
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis Featuring Wanz, "Thrift Shop" (Ben Haggerty and Ryan Lewis, songwriters)

Best Rap Album:
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, the Heist

Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album:
Michael Bublé, to Be Loved

Best New Age Album:
Laura Sullivan, Love's River

Best Improvised Jazz Solo:
Wayne Shorter, "Orbits"

Best Jazz Vocal Album:
Gregory Porter, Liquid Spirit

Best Jazz Instrumental Album:
Terri Lyne Carrington, Money Jungle: Provocative in Blue

Best Large Jazz Ensemble Album:
Randy Brecker, Wlodek Pawlik Trio and Kalisz Philharmonic, Night in Calisia

Best Latin Jazz Album:
Paquito D'Rivera and Trio Corrente, Song for Maura

Best Gospel/Contemporary Christian Music Performance:
Tasha Cobbs, Break Every Chain

Best Gospel Song:
Tye Tribbett, "If He Did It Before . . . Same God"

Best Contemporary Christian Music Song:
Mandisa, "Overcomer" (David Garcia, Ben Glover and Christopher Stevens, songwriters)

Best Gospel Album:
Tye Tribbett, Greater Than

Best Contemporary Christian Music Album:
Mandisa, Overcomer

Best Latin Pop Album:
Draco Rosa, Vida

Best Latin Rock, Urban or Alternative Album:
La Santa Cecilia, Treinta Días

Best Regional Mexican Music Album (Including Tejano):
Mariachi Divas De Cindy Shea, A Mi Manera

Best Tropical Latin Album:
Pacific Mambo Orchestra, Pacific Mambo Orchestra

Best American Roots Song:
Steve Martin and Edie Brickell, "Love Has Come for You" (Edie Brickell and Steve Martin, songwriters)

Best Americana Album:
Emmylou Harris and Rodney Crowell, Old Yellow Moon

Best Bluegrass Album:
Del McCoury Band, The Streets of Baltimore

Best Reggae Album:
Ziggy Marley, Ziggy Marley in Concert

Best World Music Album:
Gipsy Kings, Savor Flamenco (tie)

Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Live: Singing for Peace Around the World (tie)

Best Folk Album:
Guy Clark, My Favorite Picture of You

Best Regional Roots Music Album:
Terrance Simien and the Zydeco Experience, Dockside Sessions

Best Children's Album:
Jennifer Gasoi, Throw A Penny In the Wishing Well

Best Spoken Word Album (Includes Poetry, Audio Books and Storytelling):
Stephen Colbert, America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't

Best Comedy Album:
Kathy Griffin, Calm Down Gurrl

Best Musical theater Album:
Kinky Boots

Best Compilation Soundtrack for Visual Media:
Sound City: Real to Reel

Best Score Soundtrack for Visual Media:
Skyfall, Thomas Newman, composer

Best Song Written for Visual Media:
Adele, "Skyfall" (Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth, songwriters)

Best Instrumental Composition:
the Clare Fischer Orchestra, "Pensamientos for Solo Alto Saxophone and Chamber Orchestra" (Clare Fischer, composer)

Best Instrumental Arrangement:
Gordon Goodwin's Big Phat Band, "on Green Dolphin Street" (Gordon Goodwin, arranger)

Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalist(s):
Bobby McFerrin and Esperanza Spalding, "Swing Low" (Gil Goldstein, arranger)

Best Recording Package:
Reckless Kelly, Long Night Moon (Sarah Dodds and Shauna Dodds, art directors)

Best Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package:
Paul McCartney and Wings, Wings Over America (Deluxe Edition) (Simon Earith and James Musgrave, art directors)

Best Album Notes:
John Coltrane, Afro Blue Impressions (Remastered and Expanded) (Neil Tesser, album notes writer)

Best Historical Album:
the Rolling Stones, Charlie Is My Darling - Ireland 1965 (Teri Landi, andrew Loog Oldham and Steve Rosenthal, compilation producers; Bob Ludwig, mastering engineer) (tie)

Bill Withers, the Complete Sussex and Columbia Albums (Leo Sacks, compilation producer; Joseph M. Palmaccio, tom Ruff and Mark Wilder, mastering engineers)

Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical:
Daft Punk, Random Access Memories (Peter Franco, Mick Guzauski, Florian Lagatta and Daniel Lerner, engineers; Bob Ludwig, mastering engineer)

Best Remixed Recording, Non-Classical:
Lana Del Rey, "Summertime Sadness (Cedric Gervais Remix) (Cedric Gervais, Remixer)

Best Surround Sound Album:
Paul McCartney, Live Kisses (Al Schmitt, surround mix engineer; tommy LiPuma, surround producer)

Best Engineered Album, Classical:
Dawn Upshaw, Maria Schneider, Australian Chamber Orchestra and St. Paul Chamber Orchestra, Winter Morning Walks (David Frost, Brian Losch and Tim Martyn, engineers; Tim Martyn, mastering engineer)

Producer of the Year, Classical:
David Frost

Best Orchestral Performance:
Minnesota Orchestra, Sibelius: Symphonies Nos. 1 and 4 (Osmo Vänskä, conductor)

Best Opera Recording:
the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra; the Metropolitan Opera Chorus, Adès: the Tempest (Thomas Adès, conductor; Simon Keenlyside, Isabel Leonard, Audrey Luna and Alan Oke; Luisa Bricetti and Victoria Warivonchick, producers)

Best Choral Performance:
Tui Hirv and Rainer Vilu; Estonian Philharmonic Chamber Choir; Sinfonietta Riga and Tallinn Chamber Orchestra; Latvian Radio Choir and Vox Clamantis, Pärt: Adam's Lament (Tõnu Kaljuste, conductor)

Best Chamber Music/Small Ensemble Performance:
Brad Wells and Roomful of Teeth, Roomful Of Teeth

Best Classical Instrumental Solo:
Albany Symphony, Corigliano: Conjurer - Concerto for Percussionist and String Orchestra (Evelyn Glennie; David Alan Miller, conductor)

Best Classical Vocal Solo:
Maria Schneider; Jay anderson, Frank Kimbrough and Scott Robinson; Australian Chamber Orchestra and St. Paul Chamber Orchestra, Winter Morning Walks (Dawn Upshaw)

Best Classical Compendium:
Hindemith: Violinkonzert; Symphonic Metamorphosis; Konzertmusik, Christoph Eschenbach, conductor

Best Contemporary Classical Composition:
Schneider, Maria: Winter Morning Walks, Maria Schneider, composer (Dawn Upshaw, Jay anderson, Frank Kimbrough, Scott Robinson and Australian Chamber Orchestra)

Still, at least Stephen Colbert won.

Gordon in the morning: Kiss chase

You know, that Sun paywall can't come fast enough. Or maybe just build an ordinary wall around them.

Gordon's report on the plan is as awful as you'd expect - he uses the word "lesbionics" and seems to think that there's something "left-field" about the idea.

But really, let's save most of our eyes to roll at Robbie Williams.

The casting call — which is for a new song with rapper and songwriter JAKE EMLYN — asks for: “Two girls who are willing to heavily kiss for one scene! Must have LONG hair.
“Please note, if you have a real partner who you’d like to submit along with you! This role will pay £50 for the day, plus expenses.”

Fifty quid. Fifty quid for appearing in a video for a bloke worth £105 million quid.

Hats off the Robbie Williams who has managed to take an insultingly squalid idea and turn it into something financially repellent as well.

What was that meeting like, Robbie? "Look, if we're going to exploit these women, let's really exploit them, yeah?"

The Osmonds: A house divided

It's not just the increasingly brittle Tory party who are split in two over the idea of gay people having basic civil rights. That other battered, storied institution, The Osmonds, are also having a tough time of it.

Over in Utah, many of The Osmonds are actively campaigning against gay marriage, holding an event:

You'll note it starts with a "gather and mingle", although I'm assuming the mingling was tightly controlled to go girl, boy, girl, boy.

But you know who doesn't have time to listen to a teenager playing the piano in a bid to try and stop people they'll never meet getting married?

Marie Osmond, that's who. Marie's got something to say:

"The God that I believe in is a god of love, not fear. I don't tell my children if you're not good you're going to Hell. I tell my children that God will be there for them when they struggle. That's the God I believe in...I believe in [my daughter's] civil rights, as a mother. I think my daughter deserves everything that she desires in life. She's a good girl. She's a wonderful child. I don't think God made one color flower. I think he made many..."

You know, it might be churlish to point out here that there's not really any doubt that there are many flowers. Although the God making them bit isn't exactly factual.

So let's just applaud Marie Osmond's warmth, and remember that Not All Osmonds Think The Same.

Morrissey: Don't ask, don't tell, no need

Morrissey might be too ill to play gigs, but he's not so unwell that it's stopped him saying preposterous things.

It turns out he believes that straight people cause wars:

"War, I thought, was the most negative aspect of male heterosexuality,” he said. “If more men were homosexual, there would be no wars, because homosexual men would never kill other men, whereas heterosexual men love killing other men.”

This might come as something of a newsflash to, amongst others, Ken Halliwell, who would be surprised to discover he was straight all along.

Still, it's not like Morrissey's thought his thoughts through, is it? Why would there have been such a struggle to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell if there were no gay soldiers?

Doubtless Moz believes himself to be essaying a positive stereotype, but it's just that - a stereotype. It would be lovely to think that gay people were predestined to be all about the love and the hugs, but as Mozzer should know full well that some gay men can be just as big thugs as some straight men can be.

[In place of a hat-tip for the link, a mention that Michael Moran is currently enduring a Twitter silence for Comic Relief. You could give him some money, too.]

Banks attempts to use bisexuality as shield from asshattery

A spat between Azealia Banks and Perez Hilton normally need not detain us, but given that it has now managed to generate one of the weakest defences of bad behaviour since "it was different in the 1970s", let's bring ourselves up to speed.

It all started when Banks recorded a song "dissing" Angel Haze. Perez Hilton - who apparently is still going - upbraided Banks for doing this.

Banks then reacted by going onto Twitter:

‘Omg u should just kill yourself… Like for real… lol what a messy faggot you are.’

Even before you get to the homophobic bit, she's gone too far with telling Perez to kill himself. Seriously, who types that into a Twitter box and doesn't then realise they've gone too far?

But rather than review the idea that she was telling someone to "really" kill themselves, Banks was gearing up to call Hilton a faggot.

The backblow was predictable. But Banks wasn't going to back down. No, it turns out that Banks wasn't being homophobic at all:

‘A faggot is not a homosexual male,’ she said. ‘A faggot is any male who acts like a female. There’s a BIG difference.’

Let's just accept the first half for a moment and poke the idea that "a male who acts like a female" is a bad thing. Or a thing at all. What does that mean? Is it about having lactating nipples or pissing sitting down? What on earth was that supposed to be as a justification?

But let's not worry too much about that second half, because it comes after the first half.

A faggot is not a homosexual male.

Not quite, Azealia. It's not a thing you should call a homosexual male, but it definitely is a slur against them. True, it was originally thrown at old women in the 16th Century, but for the last hundred years it's pretty much been an exclusive insult for gay men.

Azealia hadn't quite finished, though. She went off and had another little think.

‘Really not as moved by this f word thing as u all want me to be. As a bisexual person I knew what I meant when I used that word.

‘And I meant what I meant when I used that word.’

No, Banks. Being bisexual doesn't mean you can slag off gay men with impunity. It just makes it worse when you do.

Still, I suppose we should extend a grudging respect for this inventive updating of 'how can I hate women, my Mum was one' for 2013.

Lady GaGa tries way too hard, again

More and more, I'm coming to the realisation that Lady GaGa is just a singing version of Julie from Corrie: full of positivity, really well-meaning, so, so keen to help. But oh, trying way, way too hard:

Gay icon Lady Gaga has vowed to become ordained as a minister in a bid to marry her queer friends, it has been revealed.

Apparently her "yoga instructor" "wants" GaGa to officiate at her wedding. Because what bride wouldn't want her day to be all about the celebrant, right?

Gordon in the morning: In which the transformation into Alan Partridge is nearly complete

Does Gordon have any women friends? Has he ever spoken to a woman? It's hard to believe as it seems like the very idea that a girl might say she fancies another girl leaves his mouth agape.

This is a response to Adele saying that she thinks Rihanna is quite sexy. Or, as Gordon puts it:

Given the chance, she would whisk her off on a two-week beano to the Greek island of Lesbos.

Yes. He did. In a newspaper.

Lady GaGa: Not born this way

The NME has managed something of a genuine scoop this week, with Lady GaGa taking to their pages and, in the process, describing comparisons between Madonna and herself as "retarded".

Now, obviously she would want to have tried to shake off the impression that she's just imperial-phase Madonna but with added Twitter, just as desperately as plantains bristle at being described as "nothing more than a husky banana", but "retarded"? Really?

Having accidentally kicked up a storm, GaGa Inc has tried to calm things down by issuing a statement through the august offices of Perez Hilton. (Yes, it's still going.)

I consider it part of my life's work and music to push the boundaries of love and acceptance.

My apologies for not speaking thoughtfully. To anyone that was hurt, please know that it was furiously unintentional.

An honest mistake, requires honesty to make.

Whether life's disabilities, left you outcast bullied or teased, rejoice and love yourself today.

She hasn't actually said sorry for tossing the word "retarded" round like a bully in a playground, you'll note. And she's desperate for us to understand that, why, she only said a terrible thing because she's so honest.

Why, using "retarded" as a term of abuse is just because she's honest.

Hold on... what?

This statement does appear to boil down to saying "I spoke unguardedly, but it's only because I am so full of truth and so edgy I've said something that I shouldn't. Love yourself."

I think the crappy attempt to try and shore herself up is way more insulting than her original insult.

In more gathering gloom for GaGa Industries, the Guardian reports growing discontent at her self-appointed status as She Who Speaks For Gays:

But as the world lived with Born This Way, a deeper disquiet began to emerge, and the heavy-handed way that the song assumed stewardship of an entire portion of humanity began to breed real resentment, from the forums to the dancefloor to the word on the street. Fact of matter: most gay people don't consider themselves to be freaks and outsiders, as is suggested in the lyrics, but perfectly normal people whose sexual orientation just happens to be wired a certain way.

Perhaps they should, you know, rejoice and love themselves today.