Other careers: One Direction to 18 holes

Niall Horan has branched out since One Direction. Into, erm, golf:

The 1D star, who runs a golf talent agency, is off to Minnesota next week to act as cheerleader for the Europeans.

Niall, 23, told me: "I think I'm going to be involved with the Ryder Cup team to try to do a bit for them and help them concentrate on their golf.

I would have been going there anyway because the Ryder Cup is one of the ones you have to tick off the bucket list. I'm looking forward to it.

There's a lot going on here. If you care about golf so much you run a golf business, the idea that "going to the Ryder Cup" is just a bucket list item seems a bit weird - especially if you have a money-no-object lifestyle.

That's to say nothing of the idea that professional golfers at a major golfing tournament might need help to "concentrate on their golf"; or that the best way to help with this concentration is to have a pop star-turned-golfing Arthur Daly turn up.

And there's that vague "I think" - if it's next week, shouldn't you know whether or not you're going to be involved? Or will this come as news to the European golf team?

It turns out that Ed Sheeran is even duller than we thought

You might have thought that Ed Sheeran was a little dull.

You might now want to recalibrate how dull he is after he paid a surprise visit to Grand Forks, North Dakota.

In a town he'd never seen before, how did he spend his time?

Sheeran’s trip around Grand Forks began with a round of golf at the King’s Walk Golf Course with his team.

Yes. Playing golf.

This was an impromptu stop-off between gigs. And he played golf.

Bearing in mind nobody knew it was going to happen in advance, I'm a bit puzzled about how warmly the Golf Club is applauding itself for not making a big deal about it:

Nelson said the staff at Eagle’s Crest tried to keep Sheeran’s appearance under wraps to be respectful of his privacy.

I suppose golf does drag on and on, so during a match there would be time for the paparazzi to hoof out to North Dakota but it seems unlikely. And given the club's spokeperson is detailing the visit to the local paper, there's not much privacy being respected after the event, either.

I only hope that Sheeran was able to top off this day in equally dull style.

Following his round of golf, Sheeran was spotted at Texas Roadhouse ordering a steak.

Yep.

Gordon in the morning: Clubbable

I wonder how Gordon Smart managed to convince himself that people are ringing on Brad Pitt's door, asking him to play golf is a true story.

A source said:[...] “Neighbours have buzzed on their intercom and asked if Brad wants to play golf at a nearby course. They have even offered to lend him clubs in case he hasn’t got any.”

What neighbourhood does this actually happen in? Outside of the 1950s?

Gordon in the morning: Just tee off

Not only is Gordon Smart doing the pointless golf thing again this year, but he's now convinced that it's such an important event, he's doing a preview. A preview of a jolly.

Alice Cooper: Golf, and not golf

Alice Cooper's well-documented love of golf causes some sort of problem. How does what is perhaps the world's dullest activity fit with the carefully marketed stage image of Alice Cooper?

He's got a workaround:

He told BANG Showbiz: "Alice hates golf. Alice the character hates golf. I love golf but he hates it. That's why I'll never do a golf DVD - nobody wants to see me play golf, they want to see Alice play golf, but he hates it."

This sounds a bit like a child trying to blame their imaginary friend for doing something wrong. Except it's the imaginary friend who is in the right.

Gordon in the morning: In the bunker

Last year, you might remember that Gordon Smart had a golf contest - which is fine - but then he wrote about it in a newspaper. Which was embarrassing, especially as he was wading under the delusion that he was hosting a celebrity event.

Has he learned his lesson?

No.

The really funny thing is that, while a bunch of vaguely-familiar-with-a-prompt-names playing golf could turn into a lightly amusing article, but Smart writes it up as if it was an actual sporting event people might care about:

Soccer AM star MAX RUSHDEN came close but next year could be his year.

Former West Ham and Scotland ace FRANK McAVENNIE rattled the longest drive of the day, just edging out swimming giant MARK FOSTER.

One of Hurts turned up towards the end, which doesn't help them shift the feeling they might be a 21st century remake of Tears For Fears.

Gordon in the morning: Kings Of Leon duller than we thought

Oh, prepare yourself for Gordon created mirth:

WHEN I heard KINGS OF LEON were struggling to get off the green, I thought they'd been at the recreational drugs again.

But the ex Tennessee caners have put back recent studio sessions because of a far more sensible addiction - golf.

Oh, yes. Golf. That's a sensible addiction. You can't over-stress how sensible golf is.

Gordon then goes on to churn out exactly what you'd expect - references to Tiger Woods, puns on swinging, "birdies", and a self-satisfied ending:

Fine wine, golf, urinating on posh fairways? The boys would have fitted in perfectly at the Bizarre Masters last summer.

Yes. That sounded dull, too, as I recall. Although given that the Bizarre golf thing was won by a mate of a indie band, perhaps their actually being famous might have made them stand out a bit.

Elsewhere, Gordon tries to find something to say about David Beckham's latest tattoo. (Yesterday, you'll recall, we met Beckham's latest tattoo, depicting a man who is permanently confused and desperately trying to make a mess look better by expanding the spread of the mess.)

DAVID BECKHAM's addiction to inkwork is getting tricky to keep track of.

So hard, in fact, that the Bizarre "tat nav" has been called into action.

Sadly, the device doesn't have sound but if it did speak, it would sound like his missus VICTORIA.

Yes, not only is there a pun, a bit of shoddy photoshop, but Gordon's even making up what the sound would be like if it had sound. I wonder what it would smell like, if it had a smell.

Against Trump

Donald Trump's bemusing desire to ruin the Scottish countryside by building a golf course on the coast is generating a pleasing amount of local opposition: There's a gig in support of the campaign this Friday, 25th, at the Aberdeen Blue Lamp. No word on who will be playing, but local artists of all types are involved.

Gordon in the morning: My baby got the yips

Yes, since you ask, that would be Gordon Smart, stood clutching a golf club, stood alongside Vernon Kaye (TV's Les Dennis), Harry Judd (from mother and daughter country duo The Judds) and Danny Jones (one quarter of The Monkees).

Or, if the caption is to be believed, it's a:

Tee-mendous line-up ... Vernon Kay, Biz Ed Gordon Smart, Harry Judd and Danny Jones

And, you'll have noticed, they're holding golf clubs. That's why the caption says that tee thing.

This, it seems, was a golf event promoting something or other, and Gordon seems to think that we'll be interested in every moment of his corporate jolly with the sort of celebrity that even he would bump from the lead story if something about Beyonce Knowles came in.

Actually, given that Vernon Kaye was there, it's the sort of celebrity who would be bumped if a story about Solange Knowles came in.

Actually, one of the "celebrity" players was Chris Riley, who is a mate of The Enemy. This bunch would be bumped if a story about Nick Knowles came in.

Even Gordon knows that the event lacks a little glamour, but does his best to try and suggest that this isn't like a team bonding day for the Office Of Fading Stardom:

The competition was fierce at The Grove hotel in Hertfordshire - where the England footie team stay before home international matches.

When you're relying on the idea of Peter Crouch carrying an overnight bag to add glamour to your piece, you're in trouble.

But Gordon's smart, and knows that pro-celebrity (or rather no-celebrity) golf has an air clinging to it:

Forget JIMMY TARBUCK, BRUCE FORSYTH and RUSS ABBOTT - I'm joyriding their celeb golf buggy now.

Yeah, forget the time when celebs playing golf was all about the sort of people who spent their days presenting ITV game shows. Now, it's all about Vernon Kaye.

Oh, hang on.

Perhaps we could inject a little sex into the proceedings, Gordon?

The longest drive of the day belonged to Jamie. Or as he said: "I am a few inches bigger than you, Smarty."

That's not actually a double entendre, is it? In fact, Redkanpp might very well have been actually comparing his cock with Gordon's, as describing a distance as "bigger" makes no sense. Or maybe Jamie said "longer", and Gordon just can't read his notes because he was shaking with so much mirth.

Still, while nobody who wasn't there would be in any way interested in these events - good lucking pricing up the paywall for this, Messrs Murdoch - at least it's important to Gordon, right? I mean, there's no way he'd just leave the article hanging on a meaningless odd line, is there?

But his bandmate DANNY JONES landed Bizarre's Beginner gong and a swine flu boiler suit.

Robbie Williams is not that fat

A couple of papers run pictures of Robbie Williams today with observations like this, from the Mail:

Robbie Williams recently claimed that he was to give pop to become a full-time ufologist (someone who studies UFOs) - but he has clearly found interests closer to Earth.

Fatty food, by the looks of his expanded girth, and a brunette called Suzanna.

The paper then calls him "portly" which seems a bit unfair - he's carrying a few extra pounds but it's quite a few Dunkin Donuts short of being fat.

The woman, though? We're not so sure about:

Swing when you're winning: the pair, who clearly share an interest in golf, have been dating for about four months

"Who clearly share an interest in golf"? Why, because you've got a long lens shot of Williams carrying a golf bag and, erm, her in check trousers?

What happens when you piss off the publicist

Stories are circulating that Muirfield Golf Course "snubbed" Justin Timberlake and his mother - not letting ma walk round the course, and refusing to give them entry to the restaurant.

Muirfield tell a different story:

Club secretary Alastair Brown said: “Justin Timberlake and his mother played here on Tuesday but we told his publicist that it would not be possible for her to accompany them on the course.

“After the game, they did not wish to enter the restaurant area but in any case he would not have been able to do so, as he was not wearing the required jacket and tie.”

We suspect that forcing the publicist to sit in the car with a can of coke and a bag of crisps while Justin and his mum played their interminable game of knocky-ball-into-hole may have given them ample time to Blackberry a slightly grumpier story to the papers. Or maybe there was a passer-by who thought that the publicist was Justin's mother.

Justin Timberlake enjoys golf with his mother. He's less SexyBack, more DripdrySlacks, isn't he?