Gordon in the morning: Choices, choices

For Alexandra Burke the city was crowded, her friends were away, and she was on her own:

While other chart stars had headed off to Bangor in Wales to perform at Radio 1's Big Weekend, Alexandra chose to thrill the crowds in the capital.

She played GAY - which really has become just another tick box on the list now - rather than playing the big, high-profile Bangor event on the TV and the radio and the onlines. That much is true. I'm doubting there was very much "choice" involved, though.

Meanwhile, Cheryl Cole is burbling on about how GREAT it is to be thin:

The 5ft 3in X Factor judge, who weighs 7st, revealed a fan keeps her image on the fridge as motivation for gym sessions.

She said: "I like to think I can be inspiring someone like that."

Surely that would only work if you took your fridge to the gym? Wouldn't it be better to have the picture of Cole on your gym locker? Or does she just despise Cole so much, she can't stand to be in the house if there's a photo of her on the fridge?

I wonder which picture of Cole the fan has put on the fridge door? Perhaps this is the one she uses to "thinspire" her:

But it's not all great for Cheryl, you know:

But Cheryl, 26, finds being a beauty icon "cringeworthy".

Well, if by "being a beauty icon" she means "appearing in Nestle's L'Oreal adverts", yes, that is pretty cringeworthy.

Gordon rounds off his piece with this helpful background detail:

The GIRLS ALOUD star is rumoured to follow the blood group diet, which limits foods to a person's blood type.

That's unlike the rest of Girls Aloud, who enjoy all the blood groups in their diet.alex

Cheryl Cole gets stuck on her hairspray

You think it's all fun being paid a ridiculous sum of money to endorse products?

Oh, if only that was the case:

CHERYL Cole's fashion advisors fear she is LOSING this season's glamour battle with rival judge Dannii Minogue - because she is BANNED by L'Oreal from changing her hair.

Girls Aloud star Cheryl, 26, has to keep her tresses the same as on her ads for the hair company under the terms of a £500,000 sponsorship deal.

Meanwhile glamorous Dannii, 38, has been sporting various funky styles including an Elvis QUIFF, Cleopatra FRINGE, pixie CROP and Bardot BOB.

To be honest, if someone gave me half a million to look a little less desperate for attention than Dannii Minogue, I'd consider it money for jam.

Cheryl is also reported to be finding it difficult sticking to demand that she doesn't beat the crap out of minimum-wage toilet attendants for the length of the sponsorship.

Still, she's lucky that other parts of the Nestle empire aren't so fussy. L'Oreal might be insisting she uses their products, but at least KitKat aren't making her force a couple of fingers down before each programme.

Hmmm. She's taking a lot of money from Nestle, isn't she?

Cheryl Cole wants community centres for all

Oddly, none of the national papers picked up Cheryl Cole's remarks about the need for community centres when she helped launch the new KitKat. Luckily, the Newcastle Chronicle was there, too:

The singer said: “Kids have no opportunities in some areas.

“Kids want to be involved in boxing but haven’t got a boxing school nearby, or they’re not privileged and can’t afford £10 a week for boxing or swimming or whatever it is. Every community should have a community centre where kids can do stuff.

“I have actually spoken to people about it, getting somewhere in Newcastle, so instead of hanging around on the streets kids will have somewhere to go.”

Brilliant. So, what are you going to do, Cheryl?

“If and when I do it, I want to be quite hands-on.

“At the moment I’m too busy with the tour.”

Well, never mind. It's the thought that counts.

Gordon in the morning: Fuller story and pics

We're sure that Gordon will be delighted to know that it's hard to find fault with his big, splashy interview this morning - he's got an exclusive with Amelle Berrabah and Freddie Fuller, doing a big, clearing-his-name session. The money for the interview is going to Rape Crisis. And, thankfully, there's enough in their statements that Gordon has to do little more than transcribe their words.

One thing, though: Amelle explains why they're doing the interview:

People need to know the truth about what really happened and that Freddie is completely innocent.

And why do people need to know that? Perhaps because everyone was told what the allegations were in the first place. By, erm, a front page splash on the Sun which yelled '"Sugababe 'rape' hell: Star's love 'attacked her sister'". It's probably lucky for the paper that they're running a feature about the horror of everyone thinking you're a rapist, rather than having to explain to m'learned friends their role in everyone thinking that in the first place.

One other thing. Freddie observes:

People were quick to judge me because of my background.

The Sun? Finding space to let a traveller suggest they get a rougher ride in reporting because of the way they live?

After all this, though, it's back to business as normal: here's Cheryl Cole holding a chocolate bar.

Darkness at 3AM: They also enjoy chocolates

The 3AM Girls also have a story about Girls Aloud making an advert for chocolate bars. They even have a quote from Sarah Harding:

"I loved doing the ad but I had to eat so much chocolate that, in the end, I asked for a cup to spit it out in. I was eating it from 5am to midnight."

So, she spits and doesn't swallow. Whoever would have thought?

More surprisingly, they reveal that Gordon Brown had marked the fifth anniversary of the Iraq War by... discussing Amy Winehouse with gossip columnists:

"I'm a big fan. She may be troubled but as much as anything I think she's simply misunderstood.

"She is as talented as she is misunderstood."

In what way, Gordon, is Amy misunderstood? Unless she's actually a drug-free scientist, isn't she perhaps the best-understood of all artists?

Gordon in the morning: The homecoming queen's got a gun

It's hard to believe, but Gordon is returning to the filming of a KitKat advert for the second day running. He's clearly having a break.

Today, it's an article built around a single throwaway line by Cheryl:

[W]hen catering staff, who were trying to feed skinny Cheryl, asked if there was anything else she needed, she replied: “A shotgun.”

Gordon happily fills some inches speculating on who she might want to shoot - happily, another chance for him to mention that Ashley Cole business, almost as if it's the one scoop he's managed since he took over from Newton and he can't let it go.

Sarah Harding is not without her problems, either:

“I’m in loads of pain with my back. It really hurt during yesterday’s long day of filming.

“And all the oversized bags that are fashionable these days don’t help.”

We've consulted some top doctors who suggest that, if you're having trouble carrying a large handbag, you might want to consider carrying a smaller bag. But I should stress that is general advice, and you may wish to consult your own doctor before downsizing your handbag to one you can actually carry.

For some reason - alright, to pad - Gordon also carries an advert for an E! programme about Amy Winehouse's life. It's meant to be a news story, but "here is a photo of Amy at school that has been given to me by a TV company" doesn't quite count, does it?

Still, it's better than Gordon's rationale for running a model has haircut story:

OH my word! Supermodel CLAUDIA SCHIFFER looks like the slightly better-looking twin sister of actress KATIE HOLMES in this short dark wig.

Slightly?

Gordon in the morning: You can't sing, you can't play, and you look awful

Bizarre leads this morning on a very, very slight story - Girls Aloud film chocolate bar advert. Even with Smart's obsession with the state of the Tweedy-Cole marriage, it's a strange thing to build your column around. Even odder is the headline:

Girls Aloud babe is Cheryl cold

We wondered if this was because KitKat were going to be emulating the Mars Cool 'Em campaign from way back (oh, you do:"Mars Cool 'em/ Cool 'em in the fridge/Mars Bars and Milky Way/ Cool your Bounty for a summer's day/ Ice-cool Topic/ Marathon too/ Cool 'em the whole summer through.... Yes, as a nation, we needed an expensive marketing team to tell us that if we put our chocolate in the fridge, it wouldn't be melty when it got warm.) But, no, it turns out that the headline just relates to how nippy it was outside for filming yesterday - something that we suspect Smart only mentions in the first place so he could do the Cheryl Cold joke in the first place.

Gordon almost spots the irony of the wafer-stick-thin band pushing chocolate, but not quite:

They must have felt the chill in their skimpy outfits – and with none of them having much meat on their bones.

Smart also covers the announcement of the new Coldplay album title:

The Spanish phrase — which means “long live life” — was influenced by the late Mexican painter FRIDA KAHLO, one of MADONNA’s favourite artists.

Now, we know Gordon is writing for Modern Painters, but surely he could have come up with a nice, spoon-feeding explanation of who Kahlo is without saying "I don't know anything about her, but Madonna likes her" - you'd have thought some reference to the Oscar winning film with Salma Hayek might have hit the spot.

Especially since Gordon is filling a little:

Coldplay album titles have always been slightly unconventional.

The lads called their first collection Parachutes and their last CD was X&Y.

In what way, exactly, is 'Parachutes' unconventional? And 'X&Y' is hardly 'Jesus Egg That Wept', is it?

Gordon also finds space for Sarah Nation's piece about Kerry Katona checking into the Priory, as filming a programme about how 'crazy' she is has started to harm her state of mind.