Noel Gallagher repents at leisure

Perhaps - who can say for sure? - with one eye on the cool reception for Beady Eye and another on the tepid interest in the Low Flying Berks, Noel wonders if killing the golden goose might not have been a bad call:

"It was a hasty decision I've got to say, and we could maybe have all gone off and done other things for a few years," Noel explained during an interview with Absolute Radio.

"In my own head the 2015, 20-year anniversary of (What's The Story) Morning Glory is looming and we could have maybe come back, made a new album and played that album in its entirety and gone and been the greatest thing ever, but there you go."

Yes... imagine all possibilities. And by "possibilities", I mean money. A huge pile of money. All that money. What could you buy with money like that?

Oh, yes. One of those. Maybe many.

Noel Gallagher comments on current events

Noel Gallagher has shared his views on the riots:

"I can't understand where their energy for these riots is coming from. We live in this age of violence - and I don't care what other people say: Brutal TV and brutal video games are a reason for this pointless violence as well. The people are immune to violence, they are used to it. And if they get caught they aren't punished the right way. The prisons are already full? Then build new ones!

"It's crazy! It's just violence for the sake of violence. The people who are at these riots aren't poor. These are kids with f***ing mobile phones and all sorts of shit. The police and government have to take drastic measures."

You'll notice that it's TV and video games which are setting the bad examples. Not - and let's be very clear about this - certain musicians who have banged on about fighting their brothers or building an image around laddishness and killing pigeons for kicks.

"There aren't any reasons! There's a guy who gets shot - a gangster if I may add that, who had a gun. If you live by the sword, you die by the sword! Then suddenly there are riots everywhere. There is no reason for that. It's just pointless violence of f***ing idiots. When it rains no one is rioting! And you can always rely on rain in London - except for now when we would need it."

Given that Noel is the king of pointless swaggering, it's... oh... you know what?

Gordon in the morning: Noel Gallagher has a daughter, you know

More coverage of the release of the unwanted Noel Gallagher solo material this morning, with Gordon listening to the radio as Noel talks about his band's name:

Noel told XFM's brilliant new breakfast host Danny Wallace: "I'm a fan of birds in the sense of the ones with two legs, two arms. Girls. The other birds are vermin.

"What are they for? The only ones that are any good are the ones that don't fly because you can eat them."

Apart from the retrofitted 1950s sexism, there's something surprising in the way that Noel seems to classify birds as table fowl by whether they fly or not. So presumably he'd eat penguins and eagles with broken wings, while rejecting pheasant and... but... I suspect I'm overthinking this... Noel's Kentucky Fried Penguins... near the penguin enclosure... what's that over there?...

Noel Gallagher looks to the future

It's difficult to remember that there was once a time when Noel Gallagher's opinions were so dull, I'd routinely find my attention being dragged towards thinking about lemurs whenever I attempted to write about them. A long-ago world, that was.

Let's see what Noel has to say today about his exciting solo career with Noel Gallagher And The Fly Strike Birds:

"There's a lot of work involved in this and I'm a lazy ****. But I think I'll be alright."

Work, you say? Really... work... tell us...

"I'd got to start again from scratch. I'm not a frontman, now I have to be the guy up the front giving it all the jazz hands."

Well... you don't have to do it... do... you?

"I've been in a band with a great frontman, and I was a great guitarist and backing vocalist who chirped in with the odd funny quip. It was perfect. This is just a major pain in the bollocks. But I'm getting used to the idea."

Funny quip? I don't remember any funny quips... must try and remember... when was... Noel... funny... on a swing... eating fruit...

Oasis: Probably not such a glorious new morning

Oh, we'd love to spend the next three days as part of a massive tea party, celebrating and clapping and cheering. But given that this about the nineteenth time one or other of The Gallaghers has gone home early crying, I'm not so sure we should take Noel's statement as a definitive end of Oasis:

"It's with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight.

"People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer."

"Apologies to all the people who bought tickets for the shows in Paris, Konstanz and Milan."

In related news, Reg, the guy who does building work on Gallagher's mansion, issued a statement:
"It's with some sadness and great alarm to tell you that I'm going to be responsible for Oasis getting back together in a month or so.

Noel will write and say what he likes, but I simply will be presenting him with a bill for shoring up the crumbling wall of the conservatory and repointing the brickwork on the southern side and tell him that unless he goes on working with Liam in order to pay me, I'm not even going to make a start on sorting the roof out.

Apologies to all the people who had hoped that was it."

In even more related news, Liam Gallagher was heard to issue a statement, yelling from a hotel bedroom:
"Noel? Noel? Where are you? It's dark and the lady says that I can't have any more beer as someone's closed down our bill... Noel? Noel? ... Noel?"

It's all fun and games enjoying the latest round of Oasis in-fighting, but let's not be too gleeful. There will be people worried about their futures in light of the axing of these gigs.

Gordon in the morning: Half-senseless and beaten

Pete Samson - now, of course, The Sun's US editor - does some serious investigation into Michael Jackson's upbringing by, erm, watching Larry King Live:

Joe Jackson, 79, said of the allegations by his late son: "Never." In his first TV interview since Jacko's death he insisted: "I have no reason.

"That's my son. I loved him and I still love him."

He went on: "A lot of people in America spank their kids, you know? They say they don't, they're lying. Michael was never beaten by me. I've never beaten at all."

Samson appears to take all this at face value, despite - for example - Tito's recent claims that Michael would use his superpower dancing skills to avoid the blows. And Jackson pere's odd assertion that you should never believe someone who says they don't spank their children, shortly before asserting that he never spanks his children.

Where do people get the idea that Joe Jackson hit Michael in the first place? Perhaps, erm, when Joe Jackson told Louis Theroux this, six years ago:

Joe Jackson is seen saying in a show to be seen on Sunday: "I whipped him with a switch and a belt. I never beat him. You beat someone with a stick.

You see? It's not beating if you don't use a stick.

The one-time Jackson 5 manager also denied planning to put Jacko's kids on tour as the Jackson 3.

He told interviewer Larry King: "Not true. That's a bunch of jive."

Presumably when he tries to shove the poor sods onto stage, he'll call them The New Jackson Three or something in order to create his own loophole.

Elsewhere, Gordon Smart has grabbed Noel Gallagher to find out what Noel thought of Ronaldo rating them more highly than The Beatles:

Mr Big told me: "There's only one Ronaldo! I always knew deep down inside him somewhere there was impeccable musical taste.

"I'll be taking up his offer of tickets for the Madrid versus Barcelona game. I'm not sure whether even he could afford us for a gig though!"

Yes, for some reason Gordon has started calling Noel Gallagher Mr Big - which was the name Carrie in Sex And The City called her lover, if memory serves.

Still, Noel's witty riposte to Gordon is fascinating... like... meeting of minds... photoshop gurus...

Noel Gallagher discovers no kind deed goes unpunished

It was actually quite a sweet gesture for Noel Gallagher to offer people who saw the first Oasis Heaton Park gig their money back if the power cut had spoiled their evening.

Unfortunately, he forgot what Oasis fans are like.

20,000 of the 70,000 have decided to take him up on the offer. Noel is disappointed:

The guitarist said: "It seems that around 20,000 of you have asked for a refund from that night at Heaton Park!! 20,000!! So you were genuinely disappointed?

"I don't recall seeing a 20,000 gap in the crowd. Cheeky -----. Tsk ... some people," he wrote on his online blog.

[The quote comes from the Telegraph - nice of them to differentiate between Gallagher's 'online blog' and, presumably, an offline one?]

Isn't there something rather Gallagheresque about taking up the offer of cash back whether you really feel you deserve it or not?
>And... you know... making offers that you don't want people to take you up on... it's like... teasing or something...

Noel bashes the NME, not The Enemy

Given their habit of fawning over his band at a time when they've become little more than a nostalgic joke, you'd have thought that Noel Gallagher would see the NME as a branch of his marketing team.

Not so:

"If I personally see any weasel from the NME at these gigs (which is highly unlikely) they'll be getting escorted off site. In fact, you could do me a favour here. If you see an NME journalist at any of the gigs (and let's face it, they're pretty easy to spot; they don't stray far from hospitality, wear God-awful clothes - particularly the shoes - got dreadful hair and that kind of 'mug me' look about them), give 'em a clip round the ear-hole from me and tell 'em to behave."

Noel Gallagher having a laugh at someone's godawful clothes and dreadful hair, with his tousled Playmobil goes camping style?

But, you'll be wondering, what could have irked Gallagher so much?

Apparently, he's upset that the paper has been trying to create friction between Oasis and The Enemy:

"There's been an attempt by the NME to try and start some juvenile, pathetic feud between the bands in the run-up to these gigs. Can I assure everyone that there is not and never will be anything between the working classes and its heroes."

I don't know whether Gallagher is trying to claim that he is the working class, or if he's the hero of the working classes, or, indeed, which of those claims would be more absurd.

Still, it's good to see that Gallagher isn't the sort to let himself be drawn in to some sort of pointless, empty feud with a band turning out music for a similar sort of audience. That really isn't the Oasis way, is it? Saddle up your horse, Noel...
horse... horsey...
Lovely horse... look at the lovely horse.

Noel Gallagher is just so cool about not being cool

You'd have thought that if you wanted to shut Chris Martin up about the environment, you'd ask him about his SUV or private plane. Not if youre Noel Gallagher, though:

"He said: 'Why do you think it's cool not to care?' and I said, 'Well, I don't think it's cool, I don't think I'm being cool.'

"I actually couldn't give a fuck about what's going on outside my family: me, my missus, my two kids and my mam, and her parents... that's it, for me.

"Other than that, it's not my problem, but that's not to say you shouldn't care about it!

"Each to their own and I'm glad there's people like that. But I just like to look after my own."

Happily, Noel doesn't live in the same planet as anybody else, and his family will somehow not be affected by the changing climate. For some reason. Perhaps his guitar will somehow deflect... something...
... live in the forest... forage for food... he's not just showing off like a teenage kid affecting not to be bovvered, no...

Noel Gallagher: He'll tell us what to do

Noel Gallagher expects to be swept to power sometime soon:

"There will be a groundswell of public opinion sooner or later which will carry me into office.

“And let me tell you, I'll only be there five years and it'll all end in tears - but it will be a proper, proper laugh while it's happening".

Strangely, this matches David Cameron's secret masterplan. Gallagher, of course, is not without his popular support. But like Nigel Farrage, that support might be deep, but it's not very wide and the volume of its vocalisation cannot disguise the lack of coherent thought at its heart.

Still, Noel's going to sort out transport policy:

“I’d shut down the tube for a year, like I’d just say to everybody right, its gone for a year, but when we reopen it next year its going to be the best tube system in the entire world, right."

Yes. Of course. That would work. Noel doesn't explain how or where he'd have the current annual billion tube journeys be made during the year the service is out of action, nor if he's considered the disruption that partial closures cause and tried to imagine the effect of a full... I'm sorry, why am I about to start costing the proposals?... why... need to be more hands on... proper research...
[Thanks to Michael M]

Never Say Don't Look Back In Anger Again

Noel Gallagher wanted Daniel Craig to take the lead in a story of his life. Craig isn't so keen:

"Noel Gallagher wants me to play him in a movie about his life? That is ridiculous, he must have been in a very good mood to say that.

"I'm way older than him anyway, so I couldn't play him, but I love the idea, it's fantastic.

"I can play the guitar better than Noel can so I don't know how that is really going to work.

"I haven't had a call from Liam yet so I'll wait for that one."

We're filing this under 'hanging on for the key Alan McGee role'. But Noel... Bond... Bond... Noel...
... no, I'm going...

Simon Hattenstone meets Noel Gallagher

In this weekend's Guardian Weekend magazine, Simon Hattenstone got the kind of interview out of Noel Gallagher that puts most other writers to shame. It's an interview in which Noel stops playing the character of Noel Gallagher, and starts to be quite honest:

What interests me is how he managed to keep going when he thought his best work was behind him. He says maybe he shouldn't have done. After Wonderwall and Don't Look Back In Anger became national anthems, he struggled. Paul Weller gave him the best advice when he told him that one day the songs would stop coming, and he musn't force them. He ignored him. "Between Be Here Now and Don't Believe The Truth, which spans five years, I was putting out records for the sake of it. We shouldn't have bothered, I didn't have anything to write about."

The trouble is nobody told him he was writing rubbish songs. Liam would tell him everything was great because he'd be desperate to get back in the studio and record something new. "A lot of it I listen to and think only an egomaniac would convince himself that that was worth putting on. I say to my manager, 'You told me it was brilliant.' And he goes, 'Well, you don't tell the goose that laid the golden egg that his arse is blocked up, do you?' " If he'd been really brave, he says, he would have called it a day after Definitely Maybe. "Morning Glory is for the squares... It's up there with all those great crossover albums like Thriller, and the greatest-selling albums of all time like Phil Collins and Genesis."

The trouble is, of course, that this admission of having nothing to say does mean the interview still runs out of steam, because apart from hearing the same story - TonyblairBurnagebrownRollsRoycedrugsnotdoingdrugs - again, what does Noel have to offer? It's not like he's one of the great thinkers of our age:

"I've been up all night watching the [US] election. To sit and watch all those states swing to a leftwing politician is amazing enough, but the fact that he's a black man is just mind-blowing. Wow!"

Blimey - Noel found a TV showing Nader win the election. How did he manage that, exactly?

But then Noel has never been good at politics. Let's not forget his early embrace of Blair. Although it seems Noel is starting to forget that:

Did he have any qualms about endorsing Blair? "It wasn't so much an endorsement of him as, get these fuckers out."

Really? Not an endorsement?

Really?

"There are seven people in this room tonight who are giving a little bit of hope." He named all five members of the band, the president of their label, and Blair. "If you got anything about you, you go up and shake Tony Blair's hand. Power to the people!"

That's hardly 'lets vote tactically to defeat Major', is it? A rich Democrat suddenly turning into a left-winger, an endorsement suddenly a vote against the incumbent... what Meet The Press does Noel watch, anyway?

I don't understand what the lemurs are doing there

Random pop star and lemur pictures? Whoever would think that was a good idea?

(Actually, it's lemurs on the loose at Madame Tussuad's to
promote the launch of Madagascar II. It says here.)

Gordon in the morning: Advent

I'm not sure why, but I'm getting the feeling Gordon might be a bit low on stuff to share with us today. Just a feeling, mind. Can't put my finger on why.

It's the most wonderful time of the year: that countdown to Christmas where Gordon Smart does his best to spoil Christmas surprises:

Secret for Victoria, David?

DAVID BECKHAM looks like he’s trying to Spice up his sex life — by buying undies for wife VICTORIA.

Becks, 33, and son Romeo, six, were seen holding bags from lingerie store Victoria’s Secrets in New York — also with Brooklyn, nine, and Cruz, three.

Not much of a secret now, is it?

Noel Gallagher has brought some of his trademark wit to respond to Status Quo's suggestion that Oasis are quite dull on stage and, since Smart seems to have confused Gallagher and Murdoch and lets him treat the Bizarre column as his personal fiefdom, he runs Noel's response in full:

“Normally I wouldn’t give a rat’s arsehole what Status Quo have got to say about anything.

“But tell those ****s from me that when I go on stage at Wembley next summer, I won’t be wondering about what the poster boys for Help The Aged think.”

Ha-ha. They're old, you see. There's nothing like 'you're older than me' as an amusing comeback from a rock star in his 40s.

You know what would be great, though? If there was some way we could conflate Noel's stance with everyday Bizarre stuff... a crossover... if only there was some way...

Noel Gallagher admits being on a par with The Stones

Having tried so long to be The Beatles, Noel Gallagher has realised that Oasis have morphed into the Stones instead:

"Everybody knows who we are. You have to see us in league with The Rolling Stones now," he declared. "Everybody's heard of the Stones, everybody knows what they sound like, everybody knows what they do. You either go because you like it or you don't. It's easy."

Band who haven't written a decent song in decades, still desperately trying to look like they're in their 20s, churning out new albums despite being an oldies group, living a champagne and butlers lifestyle while pretending to be street-fighting men... you can see what Noel is getting at... but everyone knowing them? Outside of the UK and a clutch of large US cities... does... anyone... much... I mean, if Noel is Jagger, I'm a fruit. Or possibly a vegetable. Maybe I'm an avocado. But... what is this... happening... to me... mashing... garlic...
ARRRRRGGGH!

Noel warns Thom against being stuck

To be fair to Noel Gallagher, there is a degree of truth in his claim that Radiohead might be stuck in something of a rut:

"The biggest criticism that the music press have against us [Oasis] is that we're not Radiohead," Gallagher said.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, they've been making the same record since 'Kid A', have they not?"

But is it really the biggest criticism of Oasis that they're not Radiohead? Isn't it more common that people complain that the problem with Oasis is that they're Oasis? And even if Radiohead have spent the last ten years remaking the same record, does that really excuse Oasis spending two decades making and remaking someone else's records? It's hard to choose... Thom... Noel... Thom...
... sherry... Noel... schooner of sherry?

Noel Gallagher suggest Oasis + Kasabian is 'better than Glastonbury', somehow

Apparently unaware that he's flogging a one-note night rather than a four-day event, Noel Gallagher has launched into a Del Boy sales pitch for the Oasisabian tour of 2009:

At a press conference at Wembley Stadium, Gallagher said: "When Michael Eavis reads about this, he will shit himself. I wouldn't bother. This is where it is going to be at next summer.

"Glastonbury is great to be at but it's not really great for people like us to play at. You don't get on until 11 o'clock at night and by the time you get on, all the people that you are with are absolutely bladdered. I think it's better to be at than play at.

"The last time we did Glastonbury, I said I don't think we will ever do it again."

He added that there was something "weird" about playing in front of the "festival crowd" and that there were "not enough speakers".

Gallagher, who hit out at the decision to ask Jay-Z to headline Glastonbury last summer, said: "These gigs are going to be easily the gigs of next year, if not the decade. They are gigs that go down in people's memories... where they might meet their future wives.

"I give thanks that we're going to be headlining it and not just the heritage act before the young kids. Liam, on the other hand, will shit himself," he joked.

Noel seems confused - is he suggesting that Oasis would be natural headliners or mid-afternoon fodder? If he thinks that Glastonbury is better to be at rather than play at, is he suggesting that - since most of don't actually play at festivals - we should all go to Glastonbury or instead play a gig in a park in Manchester instead? And does he really think that anyone who still likes Oasis is really still so delectably marriageable they'll be pairing off in large numbers at Wembley? And... oh, there's just so many people supposedly shitting themselves... it all... need... to get outside...
... ah, that's better...

Noel Gallagher: I am STRONG but Winehouse is weak

Having spent his time yesterday telling Radio Times about the X Factor, Noel Gallagher has now given the benefit of his wisdom to Time Out magazine. In this exclusive insight into his brainy-workings, Noel mused on how fame costs:

"I'm not embarrassed by wealth or fame or stardom," he said. "It's what I was born to do.

"For some people that level of fame can hit you really fuckin' hard. I'm not having a go at her, but the likes of Amy Winehouse have been wiped out by that.

"Whether people would care to admit it or not, that's fame that's done that. Sometimes people think they're not worthy of it, so they build a shell around themselves which cannot be penetrated."

Not embarrassed, huh? Not even a little, when Meg Matthews was busily detailing your life on the chi-chi party scene for the benefit of Sunday Times readers and the wider amusement of the world?

So, Noel, you think Amy Winehouse thinks herself unworthy of fame and has withdrawn into herself as a result? You don't think it's more that her success has allowed her to rise to a level where she is able to indulge her weaknesses and feed addictions without having to worry about the costs in a way that the non-over-wealthy are unable to enjoy, and that it's not the fame but the cash and the stream of people willing to make excuses for her which is doing her in? Substances are hard to turn down, aren't they... remember... to say no...
...make a mental note to yourself... no, no, NO... going... gone...

Noel Gallagher: TV game shows 'not real music'

James P emails to bring Noel Gallagher's latest pronouncements to our attention. Noel doesn't think that The X Factor has anything to do with music:

The X Factor "has absolutely nothing to do with music and everything to do with television", he said.

That's strange that, what with it being on a TV network and everything. Presumably Noel is holding back on the observation that Casualty isn't part of the NHS.

Noel makes his views in the current Radio Times - as James points out "the controversial bad boy of rock is lending his outrageous thoughts to a page opposite an advert for beige slacks (two pairs for £20), or possibly a 'Face Behind the Voice' Q&A with Late-night Radio Norfolk favourite Sue Marchant."

Like a man returning from France with a passion for wine, Noel reveals the horrible truth about ITV's starmaking programmes: they tend not to make you a big star:

"You spend a year slogging around the country and then what? You can't go back to Barnsley and be a check-out girl cos that would look bad.

"So you end up either trying to be an actress or trying to sustain your profile by going on celebrity shows."

He said: "Instead of instant fame and celebrity and all your ex-boyfriends and girlfriends coming out of the cupboard and your family being ripped apart the prize ought to be: 'I'll introduce you to someone who might introduce you to someone who might, if you're very lucky, know a producer who'd record one of your songs.'

"That's the only way to make any money. Otherwise you sell 5 million records and earn 50 grand."

Noel is so far out of touch with ordinary people it's almost Shakespearean. He talks about earning fifty thousand quid as if it's not worth doing; if you offered that prospect to a shop girl from Bolton she'd probably figure that a better deal than earning that amount over ten years on the Tesco tills.

And what songs does Noel think X Factor contestants are going to be selling to producers? Does he really believe that Leon Jackson was carting about a sledgefull of top-quality songs looking for an artist?

Does Noel really think that most of the contestants on the X Factor care about building a career as a credible musical act? Does he not understand they're seeking fame, not critical acclaim, and for most of those people who queue up to being ridiculed by Cowell, the idea they could do some acting and make a living bouncing from Heat cover shoots to Celebrity-themed gameshows and back again is the dream come true?

It's like Noel has no understanding at all of popular culture... maybe he has no TV... a TV that doesn't work... perhaps he only watches the nature shows and the news... maybe there's a reason he can't watch TV... looking the wrong way... way...

The next Oasis album is already written

You know, the announcement by Noel Gallagher that he's pretty much written the next Oasis album is being reported like it's some sort of a surprise; as if knocking out a few tunes to throw to the Oasis audience is a process akin to developing a cure for a hitherto unknown disease rather than listening to an old record and trying to have a go at knocking it off.

Noel told XFM:

"I wrote and demoed a full album while we were in the studio. While we were mixing the album in the studio we had another studio that consisted of a cupboard and this little garage band thing in the corner. We bought a miniature kids drum kit and wrote another record."

Gallagher added the new songs he's written are sounding "sickeningly good".

"The new stuff is a proper concept. Have you heard Neil Young's 'Greendale'? I say it with a smile on my face because as I'm saying it, I'm thinking 'you pretentious cunt'. It's all songs about characters and all the songs will have titles and in brackets it'll be 'AKA The Shopkeeper'.

Yes... that sounds fascinating, that does, and I'm just going to think about that for a moment, and not let my mind wander. There's nothing poor man's Damon Albarn about that, is there? Albarn did the Gorillaz... Gorillaz... no, man, concentrate: it's not like it's taken Noel about a decade to catch up to with ideas that Blur burned through last century and weren't actually much cop when they tried it, is it? Characters, I ask you, like it was ER or something... ER... Chicago... mykindatown, that is... do you get lemurs in Chicago? do you?