Anything that keeps hen parties off the streets is to be applauded

Given that most restaurants seem to have given up on serving adults and just turned their seating over to providing parties for six year-olds, it's unsurprising that people who run businesses that are aimed at preteens are recalibrating their offerings to attract the displaced grown-up parties.

So it is that a company which offers you the chance to make your own pop video - by which they mean mime to someone else's song while the horror is documented by someone whose career plan has shrunk back somewhat from the original 'be the new Scorsese' - is going after the hen party market.

Ms Hamilton said the 1980s is currently a popular theme with Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper a common choice.

I'm not entirely sure "the 1980s" is a theme, is it? Not unless while someone mimes the "my father yells what you gonna do with your life" bit, the bridesmaid and the bride's sister re-enact Orgreave in the background.

But there are other videos on offer:

“Single Ladies by Beyoncé is also very popular with the hen groups and some go crazy with a full-on leotard,” she added.

Presumably the rest do it with half-off leotards, then?

Still: these are difficult times, businesses must do all they can to adapt. There's a luxury package available, where for an extra £50 the tapes are destroyed and the company promises nothing will be put onto YouTube.

Darkness at 3AM: I'll have cake

The 3AM Girls struggle with the concept of news:

At Dannii Minogue's recent house party was a giant stack of brightly coloured cupcakes.

But wait - there's more.

We're told all the guests, including big sis Kylie, were getting stuck in.

Person has cake at party - cakes eaten. Seriously, there's going to be firings at the FT that they missed breaking this story.

I know what you're thinking, though - the Daily Mirror wouldn't publish a story like this, not really, unless there was a real news angle. And, indeed, there is:

"They got icing all over their faces."

The 3AM Girls can't even be arsed to throw a "said a pal", or an "according to a shocked onlooker..." here. At the moment, it's unclear if the guests required hospitalisation for this face-covering of sugar, or if they merely wiped their chops with a napkin. We're waiting for CNN on this.

Naturally, though, you turn to the Mirror not just for this quality of reporting, but also the searing insight that the paper's commentary team can provide. The 3AM Girls don't let us down:

Sounds like our kind of party.

Really? The 3AM column's idea of a great party is mildly messy cake eating? We hear there's a kid called Charlie Spaniels who's having a party in McDonalds in Daventry today - you should get yourself there, 3AM. Not just cake - we're given to understand there was ice cream being spoken about as a serious possibility, too.

Sixteen, nervous and shy - and yours for $250

Thanks to MTV, there's been a push on parents to splash some serious money on their kids' sixteenth birthdays. To make it memorable, on the basis, presumably, that by the time their eighteenth comes round they won't be able to remember any celebration they take part in.

But how can you fund that sort of extravagance? Billy Ray Cyrus has had an idea - get the guests to fund the event. An email from James P explains:

It's been a while since the last Miley Cyrus story, so I thought I should send you this: Her 16th birthday is coming up, and she wants all her fans to celebrate with her. Well, all her fans with a spare $250 knocking around, anyway.

Apparently her parents, much like every other parent on the planet, have glared at that unshiftable stain in the living-room carpet, remembered the unpleasant discovery at the back of the airing cupboard two weeks after the last birthday party, and decided it might be better to hire out a venue this year, so that someone else can deal with the clear-up. Disneyland, to be precise.

"The Disneyland event will be called Miley's Sweet 16 - Share the Celebration and tickets that go on sale on 30 August are expected to sell fast", it says here.

That's 'Share the Celebration', using the word 'share' in its less well-known sense, 'Pay $250 to attend'. I'm not sure what $250 gets you beyond entrance to the venue (bit of cake wrapped in kitchen-roll which pulls off all the icing? Access to a bottle of Thunderbird?), or whether a second tier of tickets will go on sale for $100 which permit you to spend the whole event sitting sobbing in the kitchen. Maybe they'll knock off another $50 if you claim you're a mate of Miley's brother and wave a four-pack of Skol at the door. I'll keep an eye out...

Two things, of course: first - how cynical would you have to be to turn one of the milestones in your child's life into a money making event?

And secondly: Disneyland? For a sixteen year old? Seriously? What are you planning for her 18th, Billy? Chuck E Cheese and a clown?

Houseparty mum no longer blames Tong, Mail grudgingly admits

Considering all the trumpeting the press made when Pete Tong was being blamed for the Bovey Tracey gatecrashed party, it's surprising how little attention has been given to Rebecca Brooks realisation that the problem lay elsewhere. You have to scroll quite a way down the the Daily Mail's latest story to discover this:

Rebecca says: "I did blame Pete Tong at first, though now I realise that it was internet social networking that is the real culprit. It's incredible. I am struggling to comprehend the power of it."

Of course, there's a suspicion that the Mail is running the story again for one reason, and one reason only. Can you spot what it is?

Her mansion was trashed and her daughter paraded as a dominatrix
[...]
Standing there in her PVC dominatrix dress, thigh-length boots and whip, Sarah was completely helpless.
[...]
Rebecca dismisses criticism of Sarah dressed as a dominatrix, saying it was only a 'costume'
[...]
Sarah has been stung by comments that she is attention-seeking (that dominatrix outfit)
[...]
"I wore a nun's habit at my 16th party, so it seemed a nice contrast to dress up like a dominatrix," she explains.
[...]
"As for dressing like a dominatrix, it was a costume for goodness sake. I thought she looked great."
[...]
It was all too much for Sarah, who was feeling the full weight of responsibility on her scantily-clad shoulders.

Not, of course, that the Mail is obsessed with an 18 year-old girl dressed up as a dominatrix or anything. It runs a picture of her in the outfit, too, just so that readers who might have missed the mention that she was wearing a PVC outfit in the article itself.

Unacceptable in the suburbs

Calvin Harris is about to cause upset in suburbia, as he uses MySpace to encourage The Kids to throw the most amazing party they can:

The event is the brainchild of the Scottish pop star Calvin Harris and underwritten by his record company, Columbia, a subsidiary of SonyBMG. An enticing web page reads: “All you have to do is hold your own Calvin Harris party and tell us about it! Anything goes – big or small – from a neon nu-rave extravaganza to a boozy barbecue to a girls’ night in.”

The Times reports worries that Harris fans might ignore the "or small" bit and instead throw something out of control - the MySpace parties which you read about in the papers; a future where people piss in the beds of Middle England forever:

The parties are part of the marketing strategy for Harris’s new single, Merrymaking At My Place. The most ambitious party-thrower will receive a prize £1,500 and Harris himself will grace their living room, or what is left of it, with a live performance. The small print for the competition excludes SonyBMG from all liability for any “tangible property damage, losses or injuries” resulting from the parties.

Hmm. On the other hand, isn't that a fairly standard legal get-out that tends to appear in the small print for virtually any pastime?

So, should Britain be bracing itself for a night of party themed destruction on August 18th?


Maybe not, the paper concludes with a slight air of disappointment:

The competition is open to those 16 and above and a caveat on the entry form reads: “We strongly recommend that you do not invite strangers or advertise the party as open to all – or else you will be responsible for the consequences.”

The teenagers who posted responses to Harris’s invitation appear to have less destructive designs [than the MySpace disaster parties]. He has been promised tea and pancakes by hopeful entrants.

Be on your guard, parents - and count your teabags.

Legend In My Living Room

Annie Lennox - yes, that Annie Lennox - has had her daughter hit by the curse of the email party invite. What was meant to be a quiet affair for Lola while her Dad was away got a bit out of hand after half the viewers of the internet turned up. It's not Annie's problem, of course, as she doesn't live there any more, but that hasn't stopped it being turned into her problem. The Daily Mail takes almost as much delight in detailing the damage as the chuffwads who caused it enjoyed making it:

[A]s things got worse people were urinating on the carpet in the corner of the living room, then there was graffiti being scrawled on and even etched into the walls, pictures were being taken down and damaged, CDs went missing, books were taken off bookshelves and pages were inexplicably ripped out.

We like that inexplicably. As if there's good, solid, reasons for pissing on someone's carpet or graffiting a person's walls.