Gordon in the morning: Wiltshire, Manhattan

If you can believe a word of what appears in Bizarre...

Well, let's just pretend we can, shall we?

Madonna is supposedly trying to recreate her Wiltshire mansion in New York. Perhaps she's reaching the age where it's just going to make it easier to find the toilet in the night if it's in the same layout.

Let's hope the architects charged with creating a clone of the mansion don't try to get a look at the original, what with how Madonna had people's rights to cross her land removed on the grounds that she was Madonna.

Meanwhile, Sara Nathan files a report that the Kidscape charity has nothing better to do than issue press releases about Jordan calling Peter Andre a cunt on Twitter:

Kidscape director Claude Knights said: "Celebrities have a responsibility not to negatively influence young people. Teenagers have a huge presence on Twitter and young girls model themselves on female idols."

Well, yes, but if Kidscape think this is the sort of thing it should be spending its time and money doing, wouldn't it be better off trying to campaign against the idea that a woman who has made her money showing her tits to people is a brilliant role model in the first place?

Gordon in the morning: Shining bright

Today, Gordon is leading off with one of those eye-catching half-arsed pieces of Photoshop:

Future vision ... How Robbie could look in The Shining

Yes, apparently Robbie Williams is going to turn into Jack Nicholson and murder his family. Hang about... Gordon, are you sure on this one?

ROBBIE WILLIAMS and girlfriend AYDA FIELD are at loggerheads over the singer’s move back to Britain.

The former TAKE THAT star has left LA behind to return to home soil in a bid to reclaim his pop crown.

No, come on: if Smart had really wanted to keep those sentences aloft by hacky cliche alone, he could have worked in "La-La Land" and "Blighty", too. But so far, it's not clear why this would turn him into a homicidal maniac. Unless, you know, it's less loggerheads, more lop-off-their-heads. Is that it, Gordon?

But the move hasn’t gone down well with American actress Ayda.

She is on the cusp of big things with her career Stateside and pals say there is no way she will move at the moment.

Isn't this closer to the plot of The Chain than The Shining, Gordon?

That would leave a lonesome Rob kicking around his vast, snow-covered Wiltshire mansion with only his new bike for company.

While it's possible that Williams might have bought a snow machine, it's probable that by the time he's here, unpacking his Project Blue Book novels, the snow will have gone.

With his eccentric antics he’ll be like JACK NICHOLSON in classic horror flick The Shining.

Let’s hope his mansion doesn’t have a maze.

Aha! So, being on your own in an empty mansion is just like being in a closed hotel with psychic staff and a family who you want to kill.

The story is nothing like The Shining at all. But it does, it must be admitted, hold an uncanny similarity to something else: a story published by the Daily Star on December 18th. Or "last year", in other words.

It's like that TV programme, Early Edition, where the bloke got the paper before anyone else. Except the complete opposite.

Wiltshire Police: fear of music

Bucks Fizz won acclaim in Europe with the instruction that you gotta speed it up, then you've gotta slow it down.

Luckily, they didn't try to pull that in Wiltshire, as it was the speeding up and slowing down which led a panicked Wiltshire Police to force magistrates to ban Babyshambles from Moonfest:

Police were afraid security was not strong enough to contain the 5,000 set to attend.

They feared the band's tendency to "speed up and then slow down the music" could create a "whirlpool effect" and spark disorder.

A whirlpool effect? Sucking in everything for miles around? You can see why they want to stop that from happening.

It's not, stress the Wiltshire Force, that they're against fun:

Superintendent Paul Williams, of Wiltshire Police, said the application had come following Doherty's solo performance at London's Royal Albert Hall which was marred by crowd trouble.

He said: "It is very unusual for the Royal Albert Hall to have to request police assistance, which on that occasion they did.

"He (Doherty) just whipped up the crowd and there was disorder.

"We are not killjoys and we help organisers with many events throughout the year and some are much larger than this one."

Not, of course, that they have these dangerous whirlpools.

Chief Superintendent Julian Kirby added: "We carried out an analysis of what Pete Doherty and his band does.

"What he does as part of his routine is to gee up the crowd. They speed up and then slow down the music and create a whirlpool effect in the crowd.

"They (the crowd) all get geed up and then they start fighting."

Geeing up the crowd, eh? Clearly, if you want to play Wiltshire, you should avoid making any sort of excitement within the crowd.

Adams turned away from Stonehenge

Ryan Adams' planned gig at Stonehenge has been called off after English Heritage worried that it might awaken unquiet spirits in the Wiltshire countryside, and/or lead to people stopping their cars on the A33 to watch, causing accidents.

Ryan Adams? Hard as it may be to believe, but people were going nuts for the tickets:

"We are very sorry that Ryan Adams will not be able to perform at Stonehenge, but the demand for tickets was both unprecedented and unforeseen, and we have to put public safety first," explained Stonehenge director Peter Carson.

He added: "We have worked with Salisbury International Arts Festival to try and identify a suitable alternative, and have offered to make available another English Heritage site, but we appreciate that it would be hard to find an appropriate substitute for such a unique venue."

Oh, god forbid that Adams might be forced to move his gig to a venue that isn't a world heritage site. I mean, how awful would it be if he just had to play out in the Wiltshire countryside or something?

Actually, they should have shifted him a mile or so up the road to the less-impressive Woodhenge - there's plenty of parking there. Or how about Salisbury Plain firing range? We'd pay money to see that.