We seem to have gone backwards

Not only do we have the same faces in cabinet doing the same jobs, but Katie Price is going to try to be a pop star again.

The second time as farce, everybody. The second time as farce.

Gordon in the morning: Up in the air

"Posh avoids 11 hour flight sat next to Jordan" screams the front of Bizarre this morning, apparently written by someone who doesn't really know how the plane is laid out when you turn left. Or possibly someone who thinks Victoria Beckham crams herself into coach.

Gordon insists it was close, though:

THERE'S been one of those scary near-misses involving two planes - and VICTORIA BECKHAM had a very lucky escape.

She nearly spent an 11-hour flight to LA sharing the benefits of Virgin Atlantic Upper Class with somebody she can't stand - KATIE PRICE.

Except - as is usually the case with people who fly a lot and have sufficient funds - it turns out Beckham had booked herself on all the flights leaving for LA yesterday, so there wasn't even much chance she'd be on the same flight as Jordan, much less sat next to her.

Two women fly to the same place at different times on the same day. Not quite such a great story, is it?

Gordon in the morning: Calling for cuts

It is pretty outrageous that Surrey Police have the time and money to provide an escort to Katie Price. I'm not sure I'm quite as outraged as Gordon Smart is, though:

WATCHING Jordan bleating on about Press intrusion in her fly-on-the-wall show is bad enough for my blood pressure.

But this footage of the fame-hungry imbecile being given the privilege of a police escort nearly caused my first heart attack. It's a disgusting, shameful waste of police time and taxpayers' money.

A member of Jordan's camp is said to have alerted Surrey Police when Jordan felt a rolling roadblock was required.

I wonder if that was before or after he or she tipped off photographers about her next skiing holiday?

Ah, so Jordan is a "fame-hungry imbecile", then?

I wonder who it is who is her feeder, then? Perhaps Gordon should have a word with the Showbusiness editor at the newspaper which ran just shy of 1000 stories on her last year. And is already up to twelve stories about her just five days into February.

Gordon in the morning: You don't bring me flowers

Gordon has copied out bits of Liam Gallagher's forthcoming Q interview:

"Listen, me and him [Noel] will be sweet, man.

"Our little venture's come to an end but I'll never have a bad word about OASIS, it was f*****' amazing.

"It's why I'm adored by millions. But it's over and we're buzzin'. And I hope our kid's buzzin'. I f*****' do actually. I hope he's gonna make great records. And he probably will."

Well, I guess now he's not carrying a dead weight round with him like something out a clunking tribute to Rolf Harris' early career.

And, strictly between ourselves, we all know that Liam isn't adored by millions - more like liked by a few hundred thousand at best - but it's incredibly dangerous to wake up sleepwalkers, so let's let him carry on, shall we?

In other not-actually-news, yesterday's disgraceful piece about Alex Reid is the only story from the 20th to still be displayed on the Bizarre home page near the top of the page. Normally when someone famous guest-edits the column, Gordon splashes photos of them all over, but for some reason he's not even mentioned that Katie Price is choosing the stories at the moment.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: The Price of nothing

Did you know that Katie Price - or ITV2, as she's known professionally - has got a single out? Of course you didn't, because if you did you'd have been hiding under the bed until it all went away.

It looks like 'under the bed' might be quite busy, come to that, as the whole world seems to be hiding from the single. It's going to be lucky to scrape the Top 50.

Earlier this week, she told the Press Association: "If it does well, that would be brilliant, but as long as people like it."

Let's hope she had a plan C as well. "Failing that, just so long as I'm not summoned to The Hague to explain what I've wrought" - something like that.

Who can explain how Katie Price is supposedly so popular, but her records are not selling?

Why, this job could be perfect for HMV's Glamour Factmodel, Gennaro Castaldo:

Gennaro Castaldo of music retailer HMV said: "Katie Price is obviously a hugely successful celebrity who knows how to engage with her fans, particularly when it comes to her books, DVDs and other merchandise, but some people seem to be drawing a line when it comes to her singing."

Castaldo seems puzzled that people aren't buying the record when they buy all the other tosh; surely his puzzlement should be that she manages to sell anything at all.

Perhaps she should have got someone else to do the singing for her, the way she has someone else write the books for her.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Peter Andre's payday

Who knew that bankers' earnings could end up looking quite reasonable in comparison? It turns out that Peter Andre - a man who doesn't actually possess a box to keep a talent in, much less have anything to put in such a box - is expecting to earn five million quid next year.

Who can make sense of such a bemusing situation? Step forward HMV Vacuous Sack expert, Gennaro Castaldo:

HMV spokesman Gennaro Castaldo ­added: “His star appears very much in the ascendancy again while sales of Katie Price merchandise would appear to be down.”

Yeah. Even Gennaro can't really explain why, can he?

Gordon in the morning: Classic Sugababes

It turns out that The Sun's 40th birthday TV campaign is a series, so last night we were treated to a new one about how great The Sun headlines are. Or rather were, as there didn't seem to be anything in the advert from since MacKenzie left. Gordon Smart is again stood, blinking awkwardly at the camera, trying to convince us that Sun headlines were something "you'd talk about in the pub later".

Really? The headline?

There's probably only one headline which people were talking about hours later, but for some reason, The Sun doesn't mention its The Truth Hillsborough front page.

Even so, it's a really strange piece of advertising, as it makes a feature of the Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster story while, simultaneously, acknowledging that it wasn't true.

Even odder, Simon Weston is pulled in to remember its famous Falklands-era front page.

No, he goes with Stick It Up Your Junta, rather than Gotcha! Must have been frustrating for The Sun advertising team to realise that the most iconic headline in the paper's history was a nasty, bloodthirsty piece - admittedly written in haste while the newspaper was riven by industrial disputes - which treated war like a video game.

No wonder Gordon Smart looks a man trying to sell a house and hoping nobody notices the nuclear waste dump in the back garden while he does the advert.

Back at the day job, he's got some chilling news about the plans to bring back the original Sugababes:

And PR guru CLAIRE POWELL - who transformed Jordan from a glamour girl into a money-spinning brand - is on board to steer the course to glory.

Couldn't they find someone who knows how to work with people who actually have a bit of talent?

Now Powell, who was tapped up by Mutya's manager, has agreed to help mount a serious challenge to the Babes with the originals - or SuJorbabes, as I'm calling them.

You see? Sujorbabes. That's what we're dealing with.

Robbie Williams losing to JLS in the album charts this weekend isn't all bad for Gordon - after all, he has been working as an outpost of the JLS press office for a few months, and so his story is at least consistent with that. But, oh, fancy having spent a couple of months solidly pushing the Williams comeback - sometimes with a story a day, every day, for days at a stretch - only to see him stagger and run out of steam.

To be fair, though, the JLS album selling for peanuts in Sainsburys and Tesco probably was what really did for Robbie's chances.

Griffin done... Manchester

Zoe Griffin returns to (or, rather, gets some photos taken in) Manchester, and returns to her theme about how Manchester is where it's at:

Earlier this week, I argued Manchester was giving London competition for nightclubs and partying and I stick by that. Forget about Oasis splitting up - the Gallagher brothers have lived down South in posh Hampstead and Surrey for years.

So it's a place so cool that it's most famous sons, erm, went to live somewhere else? You make a compelling case, Zoe.

But she does have a photo of Katie Price in Manchester, so it's not like she can't back up her claims.

Check out how drunk she is!

Ha ha ha, she can't stand up. Hilariously liver-killing. Check it out indeed.

Peter Andre: what exactly was your job description?

I'll be honest, I'd thought that Peter Andre was clearly tagged as "former minor singer" as far as a career goes, but it turns out that's rather outdated of me:

[Talking to the Edinburgh TV festival] he said he had no misgivings about subjecting his marriage to the media spotlight. "I couldn't regret it – it's your job, and there'll be bits of your job you don't like."

Being filmed married to Jordan was your job? What the hell did you have written on your passport under 'occupation', exactly?

Peter Andre reaches the stage of sitting by the door looking sad

Obviously, there is no real dignity to be lost in the affair of Peter Andre and Jordan, but dignity-like substance that Andre has been clinging to - you know, the one where he screamed at the mother of his children through the medium of Star magazine; that substance - seems to have evaporated:

Peter Andre is releasing a cookery book of "meals for one".

Rumours that his next single will feature the sound of a fork popping through cellophane and the lonely ting of a microwave announcing the slight overcooking of a reclaimed chicken product in some sort of sauce are almost certainly going to prove to be true.

Darkness at 3AM: It is always 3AM now

The desperate attempt by the Daily Mirror to spin the 3AM column into Britain's answer to TMZ has had its on switch flicked. Understandably, they've only soft-launched; there was no big fuss. It's not like this is the launch of a new computermybob for comparethemeerkat or anything.

So, what's it like? It's written by someone who speaks Imperial Period Smash Hits, but only as a second language:

Like duh, you need to log in.

It has all the veracity of those black-and-white movies from the late 60s where elderly scriptwriters tried to write in youth argot. Like having a section called "chinny reck-on", you can see what they're trying to do but in a bid to give the site a personality, they've fallen short. Instead they've given the site a comedy jumper and a repertoire of silly voices.

But what of the content?

A headline boldly announces this picture of Posh demands to be analysed to death. It's a picture of Posh with a hat, carrying a teddy bear and walking one of her kids through an airport.

The 3AM team then, indeed, does analyse the picture, working through seven possibilities, of which this is the least weak:

5. That's not a teddy bear, that's David. She bought a book of love spells and turned him into a toy so that he can never leave her.

To be fair, they do come up with this possibility:

3. She's just a mum, like any other mum, going about her mumsy business, and we should give the poor woman a break and stop tearing apart her every movement.

But they never got to point eight, which I'm betting would surely have been "as a newspaper site and thus working under the rules of the Press Complaint Commissions, this picture appears to feature a child simply because his parents are famous, and as such shouldn't have been published, so perhaps Victoria is trying to avoid drawing attention to herself in order to save ourselves from once again showing certain parts of the UK newspaper industry can't be trusted with the concept of self-regulation."

Elsewhere, there's this cheerful opening to a story:

Since we know that Peter Andre is a fan of our site, we think it's only fair that we write stories that will make him chuckle. The latest bad PR for his dear lady ex-wife is that she's been accused of threatening to run over a young fan with her ridiculous pink horse box.

Ah, yes, what could possibly be more chucklesome than the mother of your children being accused of threatening to run people over? Let's hope the 3AM team start writing a sitcom soon.

One last jarring note: the stories don't have links to "read the full story". It says "Care? Read on."

Peter Andre has a big payday

Of course, it's a bit of a shame that Peter Andre is still relying on his connection with Jordan to make a few bob, but he seems delighted to accept "substantial" damages from the Sunday People:

Peter Andre accepted substantial undisclosed libel damages from the People newspaper in the high court today over a false claim that he made inappropriate sexual advances to a woman who looked like his estranged wife Katie Price.
[...]
Speaking outside the high court today, Andre said he was "pleased" the People had accepted that the story was "untrue and hurtful".

Yes. What could be more hurtful than being accused in public of being the sort of man who would have sex with a woman who looked like Jordan?

Oh... no, hang on:

"I have never been unfaithful to my wife – not with this girl, or any other girl," he added. "This story has led to a lot of speculation about whether I was faithful to my estranged wife which even led her to mention it on a breakfast television show last week.

"If anyone slanders my name I will not hesitate in taking action against them. Now, hopefully, this will bring these rumours and lies to an end and let me move on with my life."

Interesting. So Andre will take action against anyone who slanders his name. And this story is libelous - as shown by this legal action. And Jordan repeated in on a broadcast programme. So... presumably Andre will be bringing a libel action against his own wife now?

Gordon in the morning: Time on her hands

That's the trouble with divorce, isn't it? It's not the couple, it's innocent people who get hurt.

Jordan is relaunching her pop career.

I say relaunching - it's more "diving in an attempt to see if there's anything to salvage following the sinking of her last attempt".

Gordon reports that she's signed up with "David Bowie's management" - although it's The Outside Organisation, who are media managers rather than traditional music industry management. They're also responsible, for instance, for the Digital Spy Reality TV Awards and Tim Kash.

Sadly, Gordon has decided against getting his team to mock up a picture of Jordan made to look like Kash, and has instead gone with a picture of her looking like Aladdin Sane.

Smart warns us to expect a "chart battle" between her and Andre by the end of the year.

[Flash forward to December, as a record label guy shows Andre some paperwork - "This chart shows you that 87% of your CDs were returned unsold... and this chart shows that 96% of hers were..."]

Gordon in the morning: A slice of lamb

Given that Jordan's career is built on showing her breasts, it's extraordinary how excited Gordon Smart has got over a photo of her in a low-cut top. It's like making space to run a story about Alex Ferguson being a bit disgruntled.

Mind you, there's signs of scrabbling to fill this morning: George Lamb explaining why he'd not fit in at Radio One is the sort of story that surely only makes the cut when you're desperate for something, anything, to put in. Stuart Pink considers a move to Radio 1 that doesn't seem to exist anywhere outside the article:

He's been touted as a future Radio 1 DJ but the silver fox admits he'd struggle working with set playlists.

George said: "At some point I would like too broaden my horizons.

"Trouble is in some places your so constrained by the music. I could do a weekend show on one of those stations where you have to play dross but if I had to listen to Basshunter everyday I don't think I'd bother."

You don't think being 30 might also prove a little bit of an obstacle?

And, erm, if George would have trouble on a station where playlists were shaping the programming, how does he cope on 6Music with its daytime playlist, exactly?

Gordon in the morning: This is journalism

Jordan has a tan.

Gordon in the morning: We missed the signs

Under a grim-faced David Bailey portrait (commissioned by Q, apparently), Take That share their "guilt" over Robbie Williams as part of the narrative that's going to lead up to an unwanted reunion:

GARY BARLOW has admitted there was “a series of events we should have spotted” as Robbie went off the rails before quitting the band in 1995.

He added: “That’s my one regret. I missed the signs. I think we all did.”

Well, they were fairly subtle signs, weren't they Gary?

Gary added: “Rob would go to Dublin or somewhere and get off his head. Then he’d come home and say: ‘I haven’t slept for two days.’

“He didn’t want to go home and face his mum so he’d come to me first.

Yes, disappearing off for a two-day bender and being unable to face your family - you're not a professional psychologist, Gary - how could anyone think that might be a sign anything was wrong?

Mark, at least, seems to be having trouble taking this groundwork for the group hug entirely seriously:

MARK OWEN chipped in: “Sometimes we’d joke and say we wanted to be in OASIS. But he actually did want to be in Oasis. I feel a bit guilty now that I wasn’t mature enough to hear his cries.”

This man was saying he wanted to work for Noel Gallagher. How could we not know he was in pain?

Meanwhile, professional breast-shower and occasional failed pop star Jordan is sharing her views on criminal justice:

“The way I see it is an eye for an eye.

“So if someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and the same thing done to him. I’m sorry that’s just the way I feel. I’m very strict.”

“If someone is done for drink-driving they should have their licence taken away for life.

“And if someone steals they should have to wear a dye on their skin, like a tattoo on their ear or somewhere it can be seen – like across their face! That would stop people stealing.”

Boris Johnson is probably trying to sign her up for a knife crime initiative right now.

Sadly, Jordan doesn't reveal if, in her world, there would be one State rapist handing out justice through forced anal penetration, or if it would fall to someone from Group4 to do it. Perhaps her ideas aren't entirely thought through. Which, come to think of it, might explain why they're so offensively stupid.

Still, it's nice to see Jordan marching in step with some of the more extremist religious. Apart from the porn.

Oh - and what's this?

Lily's lesbian romp with twins

A headline which can mean only one thing. Lily Allen has a new record out.

: “I did once snog identical twins in San Diego.

“I was on the sofa and I had them both. I was dancing and shoving my arse on one of them.

“That’s the only time, but I have lesbian dreams a lot.”

Rubbing your arse on a twin isn't a "lesbian romp". It barely qualifies as dirty dancing, Lily.

Gordon in the morning: Nixon gets a grip on power

Someone called Tim Nixon has seized control of Bizarre today, filling the featured slot with news that Jordan has bought a necklace with a giant P on it. Confusing 'a national daily newspaper' with Jordan's personal newsletter, Nixon runs something that sounds like it had been dictated by the Price PR team:

The sight of the couple arm-in-arm in a cab following their TV stint on This Morning earlier in the day will only help their bid to end the speculation.

When his wife’s looking this hot, who can blame Peter for holding on tight?

Still, it's not like Gordon has anything better - he's reduced to a stream of weak puns based on crappy pappy snaps.

A picture of Russell Brand and a woman with frizzy hair?

Model is Brand's new curlfriend

A long-lens shot of a child dressed as a superhero sidekick being carried by his former Spice Girl mother?

Victoria goes Robin with Cruz

- although, to be fair, that's Tim Nixon again. Nixon, we can only assume, has never met a child, as he doesn't seem to understand that kids like to wear their dress-up clothes:

DESPITE all their money, one must assume the BECKHAM kids have only a limited stock of normal clothes.

Mum VICTORIA’s penchant for dressing her boys up as wacky characters continues – this time heading out with CRUZ in the guise of Batman’s sidekick Robin.

Isn't letting her kid muck about pretending to be a cartoon character refreshingly normal rather than somehow odd? And in what way does the "goes Robin" pun make any sense?

With Nixon so busy, though, Gordon must be up to something important? Perhaps he wrote the Timmy Mallet piece. Mallet is given a chunk of space to appeal for the return of his large rubber hammer:

THE Jules Rimet Trophy, an Oscar, a Brit Award and Mallett’s Mallet – four cash-can’t-buy items I dreamed of owning as a nipper.

Yes, that's Gordon, isn't it?

So when Eighties telly hero TIMMY MALLETT asked for help recovering his iconic foam hammer, I was delighted to assist.

Given that Tim Nixon is filling up the rest of your space with donkey-shoot puns and news about what plastic necklace Jordan is wearing, you might think Gordon would have been better off spending his time focusing on someone whose moment hadn't passed during the Thatcher government, but still: Mallet is clearly missing his big foam tool. When did it go missing, Timmy? Last week? Last month?

The original was nicked from the Wacaday show host at one of his spin-off Wacagigs.

He was on stage entertaining smashed students at Evolution club in Leeds in September 2002 when the mallet was snatched by a nostalgia-crazed thief who fled into the night.

2002? So he's managed to get through six years without it?

Mallet is appealing for the return of the thing now because - inevitably - it's turned up in Facebook. Or, rather, there's a photo of it with some people on Facebook.

I don't mean to be cynical but this sounds a little more like a promotional stunt to me. There isn't even any indication that the picture of the hammer is a recent one - it looks like it's a scanned-in version of one of those pictures that had a date and time burned in to the actual picture, which would suggest it comes from the 1990s rather than the 2000s. Still, Gordon appeals to those few readers who have fought their way through his column to this point for help. And the equivalent of the Crimestoppers reward?

If you can help, the man himself has agreed to come and shake hands in a Wacaday handover at Bizarre HQ.

A trip to Wapping and a meeting with a man you can hire to play your local pub? It's compelling. Perhaps the appeal should have simply been to civic duty.

The secret diary of Mark Frith

Time, once again, to open the diary of Mark Frith. This time, we find Mark publishing stickers mocking a severely disabled child, despite - as he cheerfully admits - his colleagues having told him they didn't think it was a good idea.

Mark attempts to set up his justification early. In an entry which predates his sticker calamity, he mentions that Jordan did an interview about her kid:

While most celebrities are protective of their children, it's in Jordan's interest to be public about them.

You see? It's her, she put them in the public domain. Her! Her! HER!

Frith explains what he means by "in her interest" - "she makes a fortune out of posing with them" - but does he mean that otherwise nobody would write about her? That's clearly not true, as his magazine never finds reasons to ignore a Jordan story if it can.

He then points out that Jordan can sometimes see that aspects of Harvey's behaviour can be amusing:

She makes a fortune from posing with them and in our interview she speaks a lot about him - particularly his food intake and weight.

It can't be easy for her but she's very funny about it. 'Sometimes I ask: "Do you love Mummy?" He says: "No." Then I say: "Do you love cake?" He instantly says: "Yes." '

So, there's his justification set up. Forward, now, to November:

The stickers are due at the printers when one of my team interjects.

'Some of us have a real problem with the Harvey one. People will take offence and we shouldn't do it.'

'No one will take offence. Everyone knows Jordan is always joking about the amount he eats. Leave it in. It'll be fine.'

So, Mark doesn't actually see there's a difference between a mother saying of her own child "he says the funniest things sometimes; he said he loves cake" and a commercial magazine giving its readers stickers that say "Harvey wants to eat me." Frith even attempts to say the sticker is "a reference to the interviews she gives the Press about her son's ravenous food intake" rather than a reference to the child being quite large for his age.

Forward another couple of weeks, and Frith is starting to have slight - only slight - doubts:

The new issue is back from the printers. There's still disquiet about the Harvey sticker and, seeing it in the middle of the magazine, I'm starting to worry. It feels all wrong.

But isn't the editor's job to twig this sort of "all wrongness" in the first place?

You'll note he doesn't say it is wrong - just that it feels all wrong. He also doesn't say sorry:

There has been a lot of criticism about the Harvey sticker - from the media and readers.

I seek advice and am told I must write a letter to Jordan, and have a statement prepared for any media outlet that wants a comment.

He "seeks advice"; he's told to "write a letter". No word of contrition yet.

Today's Times has a piece on Jordangate under the headline: The Lowest Point In British Journalism.

In 1989, The Times' sister newspaper, The Sun, ran an article about the Hillsborough football disaster and alleged that Liverpool fans had picked the pockets of victims and urinated on police officers as they tended to the dying and injured.

The Sun had to admit that none of the allegations were true. They apologised, yet even now there are large sections of Liverpool where newsagents still refuse to stock it.

But, according to The Times, our sticker was worse than that.

A big mistake? Undoubtedly. A misjudgment on my part? Guilty as charged. The lowest point in British journalism? I don't think so. Still, the pressure on me is mounting.

So, it's a "misjudgement" - at least he goes that far - and then lumbers into another misjudgement by trying to justify his actions by comparing them to something one of his critic's sister papers did twenty years ago.

And, yes, the Sun's Hillsborough coverage was shocking. But, on the other hand, you published - as a giveaway - a sticker for readers to decorate their belongings with which featured a jibe at a disabled child.

You're right, of course, Frith, the Times was wrong to say it was the lowest point in British journalism. But only because this isn't journalism, it's just turning people into freakshows.

Yesterday, we heard how Frith justified his cruelty towards Leslie Ash when she was at a low point in her life by suggesting it's what his readers would be doing anyway. You'd have thought if he really believed in that as an excuse, he'd be deploying it here, too, wouldn't you? It's almost as if he knows in his heart that there are just some things you might hear on the streets that shouldn't be given the dignity of print - even the spurious dignity of Heat - but can't quite bring himself to admit it.

Andre and on it goes...

Last week, Peter Andre and Jordan won a payment from the News of the World after the paper ran stories sourced from their former nanny Rebecca Gauld which were untrue.

Today, Ofcom has upheld a complaint from Rebecca Gauld that Peter and Jordan's Katie and Peter: The Baby Diaries, on ITV2, unfairly invaded her privacy - in ways which included broadcasting a piece of paper with Gauld's phone number visible upon it.

And round, and round, and round, we dance...

Gordon in the morning: A heart-warming partnership

The revelation that there are a large number of unsold copies of Jordan and Pete Andre's album isn't such a surprise, is it? The single sold like hot flushes and that would clearly mean there's got to be a box somewhere. Sure, there's something Ozymanidas-like about the photo of them covered with bird poop awaiting their fate - although the CDs have clearly been mucked about with to make a nice photo as only one appears to be slathered in crap, the others aren't.

But the notable aspect of the story is the byline:

By CARL STROUD
and GORDON SMART

Two people, including the head of the column, to write up such a slight piece? What, exactly, was Gordon's input to the tale?

Still, we know, at least, what Gordo's role was in the story about meeting Will Smith. Although the picture seems to be little more than one of those awkward moments when a star trying to get into a premiere has to pretend to like everyone of the journalists en route, Gordon splashes a large photo of himself with Smith - for all the world like one of those cringe-creating "me and someone famous" shots you get on magazine letter pages. Smart also gives the picture a caption:

The big boys ... big Will and Biz man Gordon

And - oh, yes - a somewhat immodest headline:

Gordon Smart meets Big Willy

We'll all remember where we were when we heard that news. The question, of course, is why someone who claims to be at the very beating heart of showbiz would be so surprised to shake hands with someone we might have heard of. It's a bit like the Queen using her Christmas speech this year to go "fucking hell, I got to hang out with the President of the United States..."

Still, like a good company man, Gordo even manages to work a reference to his paymaster's products into the article:

I had Tom Anderson from MySpace in the office the other day, who is officially the world’s most popular man with over 210million friends.

But Mr Smith could give him a run for his money judging by the turnout at the huge opening for this cracking film.

Still, Will and Gordo. Great mates, you know. They had a time:

Will had a joke at my expense when I asked if he’d played footie with DAVID BECKHAM yet.

He said: "Football? I think you’ll find you mean soccer."

Ha-ha-ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha haa HAAAAAAA! Crazy times, eh?

Gordon's summation of his time with Will Smith? For an article under the heading 'Gordon meets Big Willy' and a piece which starts with a reference to cruising, it's fascinating:

If he wasn’t such a nice bloke I would have shown Big Willy my two-footed tackle.

Everyone loves Will Smith, don't you think?