Gordon in the morning: Cor blimeys in the evening

Gordon is quivering with excitement at the prospect of John Lydon being a guest on tonight's Question Time. (He's on with Louise Mensch, so it's presumably a special narcissists edition.)

BBC chiefs are on tenterhooks after including former Sex Pistols singer John Lydon on tonight’s Question Time panel.

Unbelievably, Smart dredges up the Sex Pistols meet Bill Grundy incident as a dread warning from history:

He was [...] part of the Sex Pistols’ foul-mouthed turn on Bill Grundy’s chat show in 1976 — which wrecked the presenter’s career.

Rather a lame part, though: he said 'shit' very quietly, and then had to have it dragged out of him again.

Got any more, Gordon?

[P]roducers are aware the 56-year-old drew complaints over his swearing on ITV’s I’m A Celebrity in 2004.

Oh, yes. And how did that turn out for ITV? Careers ended in flames? Resignations? Shame? Fines? Remind us, Broadcast magazine:

ITV let off over Lydon

ITV has escaped censure from Ofcom over John Lydon's four-letter outburst on I'm a Celebrity ... Get me out of Here! The regulator received 96 complaints after Lydon called viewers "fucking cunts" live on air. Ofcom accepted that ITV "acknowledged it was highly regrettable and took immediate steps to apologise" as well as introducing a seven-second delay for subsequent live shows.

Ah, yes, the terrible incident where ITV muttered a sorry and Ofcom went "ooh, you guys."

Even allowing for that, though, why would BBC chiefs be on "tenterhooks"? As Gordon is - hopefully - well aware, the programme is prerecorded hours before it broadcast. So even if Lydon does swear (and given he's an old ham more than an old punk, and will only swear when he knows he's been invited on as pantomime dame) they'll simply be able to bleep it out.

Avril Lavigne swears in the Tropicana

It's strange that the report of Avril Lavigne's apparent cussing of technicians cannot find space to say what she swore, but does make sure the naming rights holder of the venue gets a full mention:

The frustrated Sk8er Boi hitmaker finally unleashed on the technicians as 25,000 fans looked on in disbelief.

A Rays spokesman has since issued a statement which reads, "The [Tampa Bay] Rays demand profanity-free performances from all of our concert performers, and we are extremely disappointed... It is not consistent with the atmosphere that Tropicana Field is known for."

I suspect most of the 25,000 fans who were looking on in disbelief were more surprised that Avril Lavigne was still going rather than that she swore.

But what did she say? What did she say?

Luckily, the New York Daily News knows:

"[Sound system problems] fucking happen on a baseball field," she yelled into the mic at the family-friendly stadium.

She'd snapped when people started booing her. And, clearly, assumed they were booing because she hadn't started playing, rather than because she'd turned up to try and play.

Lavigne did try to apologise:

"We just had so much fun tonight and we want to take the tirade out and say thank you to the Tampa Bay Rays!" she said. "I'm truly sorry if anyone was offended by my language."

No apology for anyone who was horrified by the music.

Liam Gallagher defends Wayne Rooney

Where would a man like Wayne Rooney - broad of fame, weighty of wallet, but short of grey matter - find a person prepared to support him after he got banned for swearing into the faces of Sky Sports viewers the other week?

From the same demographic, of course:

Speaking to BBC Football Focus, [Liam] Gallagher commented: "I suppose there's a lot of kids out there called Sebastian who will find it horrific that he's swearing down the camera. But it happens, young man," he said.

Actually, Liam, the Sebastians will be thrilled by the visceral clod-thumping reality of it all.

It's more parents who would be upset by Rooney's apparent inability to understand that what might be acceptable in one context isn't acceptable in others. You know, parents like that bloke who wants his kids to not grow up foul-mouthed:

The star revealed to Britain's Sun newspaper: "I won't have my kids getting lippy. No swearing"

Yes, that would be Liam Gallagher talking.

But perhaps Liam hasn't thought through how difficult it might be to bring your kids up to not swear their heads off when a rich, famous man dumps fucks into a camera because he put a ball into a goal.

Gordon in the morning: Written on the body

Gordon has a detail from the Williams/Ross interview that hasn't been in other reports:

"The differences [between Take That and Williams] we've had have just melted away.

"I celebrated by getting a Take That symbol tattooed on my right arm."

Gary! Gary! Look what I done... I done a tattoo off your logo and it's a proper one, with ink and everything. It's not like a transfer, like the other one I had done. Let me back in the band and I'll have your face done on my tummy. Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaasse, Gary.

From Williams to Walliams. Gordon has done an exclusive interview with David Walliams (it's quite hilarious, too - if you can ss the words "to read the whole of this exclusive interview, buy today's Sun newspaper" without giggling, you're made of stone.

Walliams has something to say about the current over-reaction of people to some jokes:

"This debate has always happened - 'Are comedians going too far?'

"Richard Pryor in the 1970s, Monty Python and Life Of Brian. The comedian's role has always been edgy.

"The idea that we want comedians to be on message, to be saying the right things - well, that's pointless."

Put through Gordon's filter, though, this becomes:

David Walliams on comedy's PC plague

Over the last couple of weeks venomous criticism from the politically-correct brigade has been aimed at other brilliant British comics accused of overstepping the mark.

Gordon, you really think the Mail - who started the whole Sachs thing and ushered in the new climate - are "politically correct"? Do you really think the people who didn't get the joke about the Queen and Phil on Have I Got News For You were complaining because they were "politically correct" and not merely confused and outraged from the Shires?

Still, interesting to see that The Sun hates this "brigade" and their venomous criticism. I guess Gordon is thinking of stuff like this:

Lately we've had Frankie Boyle attack Olympic gold swimmer Rebecca Adlington for having a face like someone looking in the back of a spoon.
[...]
Jimmy Carr then had a laugh at the expense of our injured soldiers.
[...]
Even our maimed boys could still kick your butt, Jimmy.
[...]
David Mitchell from the Peep Show thought a joke about girl-in-the-attic Anne Frank would get him some cheap laughs.

Inevitably, yes - that's from The Sun. Smeato's column, in fact.

Smeato's column is worth a read, by the way, for this wonderful example of what happens when you don't read back your own copy:

Like Walliams, Rod and Emu were notorious for jumping on folk.

They thought twice though when The Big Yin eye-balled them both with the deadly warning: "I'll break its neck - and your f***ing arm."

Now that's funny.

Morecombe And Wise used to entertain more than 20million telly viewers - more than The X Factor could ever hope for.

And they never felt a need to swear or be cruel.

So it's funny to threaten to break the arm of an elderly children's entertainer, and funny to swear while you're doing it, but not funny to be cruel or swear. They should let him write the BBC Editorial Policy guidelines.

Cobain continues being rude after his death

A lovely idea of an unofficial park remembering Kurt Cobain has run in to trouble, as the man behind it, Tori Kovach, has selected eight Cobain quotes he'd like to display in the park. And one of them has a rude word in.

The Associated Press explains:

Aberdeen city officials are upset about the quote that says, "Drugs are bad for you. They will f--- you up." The marker contains the full F-word.

There's an interesting philosophical digression here, as to if it's accurate to say the quote says something, and then not publish what the quote actually says. But let's leave that aside.

The council will decide if such profanity should be allowed to be seen in cold, hard granite, or if it should have them removed and invite passers-by to add the fuck back in.

Local drug dealers are also said to be upset. One told us: "Hey, how am I meant to be selling my shit down here with a big sign saying they fuck you up? It's like forcing McDonalds to put a sign up saying 'will make you fat', or Pizza Hut stick a label on their boxes saying 'won't actually fill the hole in your life, you know'. Couldn't they at least tone it down? 'Some drugs might be bad for you. They might mess you up, if you're not careful and buy from an undesirable source, like that Sammy The Fish down on the Civic Square, because I know for a fact what he says is E is actually ex-lax cut with Vim.' Something like that, I could maybe live with."

Dolly Rockers: won't someone think of the children?

It's a bit over-generous to describe the Dolly Rockers as "X Factor losers", when they got 12th place. Also-rans, maybe. But, I guess, if you're going to work up a froth of outrage about them, throwing in their appearance on Karaoke Cowell Richer adds a certain something.

Anyway, they managed to upset all of Thanet, or bits of it, at the Thanet Pride festival:

According to kentnews.co.uk, the three piece-band began their set by asking if anyone was p****d and then continued to swear between songs, at one point asking if anyone else had ever had a s**t relationship.

One father said he was forced to cover his children's ears.

Thanet Pride events organiser Horace Hotman said: "We booked them a long time ago and we got them for peanuts.

"We do try and keep the language down because I always say that stage has got to be kept more precious than a television set because at least with TV you have the off button, but with Margate seafront you have everybody right there."

I love the way Horace suggests that had he waited to book them they'd have been commanding a premium price. But, splendidly, he does go on to dismiss the complaints in fine fashion:

On the swearing, he said: "That’s nothing really – if they have said the F or C word it would have been something different. People were probably upset that their kids didn’t get to say it first."

There is one curious footnote here, though, about the festival itself:

Organisers chose not to use the word 'gay' when publicising the event in an effort to attract as many people as possible and there are no LGBT references on the Thanet Pride website.

So it's a gay pride event, but one which is too nervous to use the words about which it is expressing pride? How does that work, exactly? Perhaps they should redub it The Pride Which Dare Not Speak Its Name.

That's about ten pence a bleep

An email arrives from James P:

This may be interesting, or I may be the last person in the world to have found it... I just clicked the banner on xrrf for the new Little Jackie single (which I rather like). Perhaps unsurprisingly, it took me to a page where I could buy it:

http://www.7digital.com/artists/little-jackie/the-world-should-revolve-around-me-digital/

According to this page, I can download the nice clean edited version for 99p. However, the 'explicit version' is on special offer for just 50p. It's a foul-mouthed bargain! Is this a common occurance? Can I save money on my downloading if I develop a liking for smutty-yet-chirpy pop songs?

How much longer must we keep flinging this cut-price filth at our kids, etc.

Of course, this does make economic sense - anyone can say "arsebiscuits" or "stickyflaps", but it takes a skilled artisan time and effort to carefully remove the sweary bits from the songs. You're paying for that talent, you see.

Darkness at 3AM: Duffy in floods

What we're a little lost about with the 3AM tale of John Lydon swearing at Duffy when she tried to hug him is: why was she upset?

Surely, if you think Lydon has any cultural value at all, it's because of his iconoclastic, ranting on-stage character? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to burst into tears if Lydon didn't launch into a pantomime "fuck off, you cunt" when you approached him?

Bookmarks: Some stuff to read on the internet

Alexis Petridis takes a corner of G2 to tell bands who think calling themselves 'fuck' something to, well, fuck off and die:

Cower before our fearless individuality and unique disregard for conventional mores! Look on in awe as we épater la bourgeoisie with our sweary name! Alas, if the idea was to strike a unique note, you have to say it falls a bit flat. Said three bands join a burgeoning list of artists who seem to have had exactly the same idea about fearless individuality, cocking a snook at herd-like mentalities etc: Fuck, Fuckbomb, Fuckpony, Fuckhead, Fuckface, Fuckmouth, FuckEmos, Fuck Vegas, Fuck on the Beach, Fuck the Facts, Mister Fuck, Swamp Fuck, the Fucking Champs, the Fucking Wrath, the Fuckmasters, the Fuckerettes, the Fuck You Ups, the Exploding Fuck Dolls, the Fuckin' Shit Biscuits and - a personal favourite - the Guadeloupe-based rapper who clearly couldn't decide whether he wanted to sound shocking or sweetly endearing and attempted to split the difference by calling himself Fuckly.

MTV: Big cocks, homophobia and racism, and a massive fine

MTV has been hit by a quarter of a million pound fine by Ofcom for numerous breaches of broadcasting guidelines across its various UK-originated networks. Some of the breaches are listed over on MediaGuardian, but amongst the highlights:

MTV Hits carrying a long discussion of "spunkbelly" at 7.30; Lisa Scott-Lee's reality programming playing out at half ten in the morning stuffed full of fuckings; broadcasting a trailer for the Jodie Marsh programme with the phrase "I just don’t want you settling down with some fucking wanker from a modelling agency" seven times during the same day. And Totally Boyband:

A viewer complained that this programme, a reality show following the launch of a new band comprising ex-members of boy bands, featured extensive offensive language including “fuck”, “bollocks”, and “crap”.

Additionally, while Ofcom was investigating this broadcast, two viewers complained to Ofcom that on 23 October 2006, also at 16:30, another edition of Totally Boyband contained the following offensive language: “a big cock”, “shit”, “fucking boring”, “whore”, “fuck it up”, “fuck up tonight” and “good little fuckers”.

Now, to make a trailer with fucks and wanks in - and then to transmit it during the day takes a special kind of stupid - but to not even take care about a programme which was already being investigated seems to be the sort of clumsy mistake that even The Apprentice contestants would manage to avoid.

Most shocking, though, is the lapse on MTV France - which broadcasts from the UK and so is regulated by Ofcom. There, the supposedly aware and inclusive MTV managed to stick onscreen a number of text messages:

These text messages translated as "the white race will triumph", "death to all immigrants", "death to gays" and "immigrants are going to fuck your mother".

MTV further compounded the offence by not having any recordings of the programme being complained about.

Ofcom clears the Osbournes

Ofcom has weighed up the slew of complaints generated by the Brit Awards - and, in particular, the bit which consisted of Sharon Osbourne screeching obscenities at Vic Reeves - and decided that it's alright, really:

The Brits is an established pop music awards ceremony with a reputation for controversy.

Ofcom noted that, although this show is aimed at a mixed audience rather than children specifically, it was aired during half-term for many schools. However, over the years it has not attracted large numbers of the youngest viewers. As with previous years, this year’s coverage was also scheduled later in the evening, bridging the 21:00 watershed.

The incident between Sharon Osbourne and Vic Reeves, which many viewers highlighted, occurred around 21:35 . During the presentation of an award, which Vic Reeves was having some difficulty announcing, Sharon Osbourne turned to him and said: “Get on with it, you pisshead”, and shortly afterwards, “Shut up you’re pissed, piss off! Piss off you bastard. . . piss off”.

While we understand that this language may have been offensive to some viewers, it was broadcast after the watershed and in a programme with a particular reputation. We believe that regular viewers would have been aware of the likelihood of this kind of material. Further, Ofcom research indicates that the examples of language quoted are generally considered quite mild.

To which we can only say: piss off, surely?

Admittedly, the swearing did come after the 9.00 watershed, but (as far as we know) Ofcom has never formally rejected the ITC's 2002 advice that particular care should be taken with programmes which "appeal to children but start before the watershed" - which, with children's entertainers like Mika, and Sharon Osbourne off tea-time television on board, this would seem to fall into that category like a round peg into a well-lubricated round hole.

Not to mention that ITV had taken its strange step to censor the earlier outburst of bad language before nine o'clock; parents should take responsibility for their children's viewing but how are they supposed to know that ITV will send the bloke with the beeper home as soon as nine o'clock comes round?

We don't think this is a case where books should have been thrown at broadcasters, but we'd have thought that at least Ofcom could have managed a bit of a tut. Yes, the show has reputation for disarray - although not bad language - but simply because ITV tries to promote the show as a crazy, lawless place doesn't mean that it should be allowed to allow such sloppy and pointless coarseness without even the meekest protest from the regulator. That the unbridled swearing came from the host, rather than a guest, surely should make Ofcom a little uncomfortable? No?

A Galaxy of swearing

Ofcom has ticked off Galaxy in Manchester after presenter Rob Ellis got sweary against the disabled [pdf link; page 9] on-air and said:

“...I reckon every spacker in Manchester could go to Toys R
Us…meanwhile I am having to walk fucking miles with me kids in the rain...”

Of course, this is the sort of thing which can happen on live radio.

Unfortunately, the programme wasn't live; it had been pre-recorded which compounded the error. Surprisingly, though, Ofcom seems more worried about a presenter having trouble operating the recording software than the idea that people who think "spacker" is acceptable for use whether on or off air are getting access to microphones.

It didn't help that Galaxy waited a week before apologising, and then didn't bother to explain what they were sorry about.

In light of all this, Ofcom had no choice but to... erm, say it wasn't right.

Curiously, the last North Western radio presenter to inadvertently appear on air saying "fuck" - Simon O'Brien, who had the decency to resign - has resurfaced: He's joining the resurrected City Talk in the New Year.

Hot In Here: The papers cover Live Earth

The News of the World doesn't bother itself with getting its Live Earth coverage bogged down in fretting about polar bears drowning or displaced people fighting over the last remaining popsicle. Oh, no, their report is split into two bits: stunning pics for her and for him. The girls get Johnny Borrell; the boys have that really disturbing moment when Madonna was dry-humping the monitor. (What was going through her head at that point? "At least it doesn't keep murmuring 'no, please not'", presumably.)

This is how the NOTW describes the opening minutes of the concert:

The crowd, which expected to swell to 70,000 by the close, then rose to its feet as the reunited Genesis used their hit Land Of Confusion to send an environmental message.

Singer Phil Collins urged the crowd to make the world "a place worth living in".

The Wembley show was closed by Madonna, who earlier set the stage alight with a dazzling rehearsal of classic hits La Isla Bonita and Hung Up, as well as new song Hey You penned especially for the event.

Is it just us, or does that whole section sound like it was written by someone in German and then translated back into English. Almost.?

And every time the paper tried to make it sound like a star-studded event of a generation, it somehow managed to sound like its tongue was in its cheek:

Throughout the day, the 70,000 crowd was shown sketches from stars including Cameron Diaz and Anna Friel encouraging people to make small changes to become greener such as installing energy-efficient bulbs. Celebrities in the crowd included Liam Gallagher and missus Nicole Appleton, his ex Patsy Kensit and Myleene Klass.

When you're reduced to mentioning the presence of Nicole Appleton, and Myleene Klass, you're grubbing at the bottom of a very empty celebrity barrel. Even the Diana concert managed to rope in Arfur Edwards.

Spice Girl Geri Halliwell was sensationally booed for her corny introduction for Duran Duran.

Referring to her newly-reunited group's hit Wannabe, she said: "I know this is a bit cheesy but I'll tell you what I really, really, really want is to introduce a legendary band that have been going much longer than the Spice Girls, for over 20 years."

Actually, she'd probably have got away with it if she hadn't mentioned how cheesy it was in the first place.

Zoe from the Sunday Mirror knows whereof she speaks, skewering David Gray for the most dunderheaded observation of the day:

"The campaign is like in 1938 when Britain had an army coming at it from France. We knew what we had to do then and we know what we've got to do now."

Good lord - how lucky we defeated that army to be ready for the Second World War a year later.

The Mirror took four people to contribute a single story - surely a shining use of scarce resources, although they seemed to have done little more than rewind their Sky+ to scribble down some quotes:

Razorlight's Johnny Borrell said: "There are people who work day in, day out for things like Stop Climate Chaos, organisations like that, and Live Earth, out of the belief that they want to make the world a better place. And those people are heroes."

Which, as his private jet waiting to whisk him up to T in the Park, was a bit like BP hailing the people who wash spilled oil off cormorants.

The People, tucked away in a report about a child murderer, throws in a surprising glimpse of some more of the hypocrisy at the heart of Live Earth: for many of those involved, it formed a jolly weekend double with watching motor racing slowly depleting the planet:

Celebs at yesterday's Live Earth concert are among those expected at the [Silverstone Grand Prix]. Selected guests are given the packs containing programmes, glossy brochures and details of special offers and information.

You might wonder if anyone felt anything more than a slight pang of pity when Phil Collins swore. Alice Doonan insists people were:

Billions of TV viewers around the globe heard a string of four-letter filth from Genesis frontman Phil Collins and US band Black Eyed Peas.

And presenters Jonathan Ross and Graham Norton were both forced to make grovelling apologies for the stars' foulmouthed outbursts.

Wrinkly rocker Collins shocked show producers by changing a line in the hit single Invisible Touch from "She will mess up your life" to "She will fuck up your life".

Clearly, Doonan couldn't have been watching the coverage if she thought that Ross was "grovelling" with his apologies; it's not clear, either, how she assumed that "billions" of people saw Collins' pottymouth - wouldn't it have been about six in the morning in the US?

Kitty Empire filed a review for The Observer which suggested it all hung on Madonna:

The night, however, belongs to Madonna. If Live Earth is a spectacle as much as a wake-up call, pop's queen bee has the massed children's choirs, dancers and carbon-quota-busting light show to make Live Earth historic.

Her progress from Material Girl to planet custodian has been an unlikely one - not least because it involves Gogol Bordello playing 'La Isla Bonita' at punk speed tonight. But perhaps Live Earth's most potent message is that if Madonna - one of pop's most inveterate megalomaniacs - can give a stuff about the future of the planet, than so can we.

Except, of course, as both the Mail and the NOTW have published detailed breakdowns of just what an environment depletion monster Madonna is, building the show on her shoulders looks a little ill-judged. Like MacMillan telling the poor they've never had it so good.

The Sunday Times' Robert Sandall was one of the few journalists to suggest that, actually, it was all somewhat less than half cock:

As a concert, Live Earth was not the repeat of Live Aid/Live 8 it clearly wanted to be. Unlike the events organised by the charismatic Sir Bob Geldof – upon which this one modelled itself closely, right down to its choice of name – the acts who answered the call from Al Gore’s people to play at Wembley Stadium were a bit short on superstar clout.

It was Geldof’s legendarily persuasive powers which got Pink Floyd to abandon a 20-year feud and re-form for Live 8 in Hyde Park in 2005. There was nothing on the Live Earth London bill to command that level of anticipation and potential drama.

With the exception of the closing act Madonna – who played next door at Wembley Arena only last summer – there was nobody on the Stadium bill with the cross-generational appeal, and catalogue of monster hits, to supply the great unifying moments which event gigs need to make their message stick in the mind.

Back to Madonna, though, for the Sunday Telegraph. They've dug deeper than just calculating how many lightbulbs she gets through, and found that even Ray Of Light, the song she did on stage last night, has a dirty little secret:

The Ray of Light Foundation, a charitable fund established by the star to support her favourite causes and named after one of her biggest selling hits, has $4.2 million (£2.1 million) of shares in a string of companies including Alcoa, the American aluminium giant, the Ford Motor Company and Weyerhaeuser, an international forest products company. All have been criticised by environmentalists.

You see what you can do if you don't restrict your coverage to 'sitting in front of the TV with a notepad'?

The disclosure was made by America's Fox News network, which obtained the foundation's most recent tax returns for 2005.

Oh.

You have to make your peace with the island

Is it just us, or has Phil Collins turned into a double of John Locke over the last couple of years. Perhaps that's why he wasn't so bothered about us all being saved during his news 24 interview.

Blimey... he's just sung "fuck" during Invisible Touch - "she'll fuck up your life." He did this with an air of a man who felt he was really showing somebody something. How fortunate no children would have been watching.

Bless him: while Phil's trying to prove he's just as hip as, ooh, Fred Durst, the giant screen behind him is flashing up the suggestion you should "put on a sweater" - just like your gran.

It looks like the fairly-empty Wembley Genesis started playing to was down to trouble simply getting the people in; the BBC are showing people still wandering in and Ross - who has a better view than us - reckons they're only 60% full so far.

Edith has just asked Phil backstage why he felt it was important for them to be there:
"Well... we were asked." Of course.

Damon Grant dies again

Simon O'Brien has quit his job as a Radio Merseyside presenter after accidentally calling for the government to be fucked on air:

The station received a number of complaints from listeners after the howler at 6.30am.

It came when O’Brien played a trailer for a Roger Phillips show due to be heard tonight.

The programme Phillips Extra, due to air between 6-7pm, looks at the planned regeneration of Liverpool’s Edge Lane and the needs of people affected by the plans.

But a recorded chat between Phillips and O’Brien ended with the 42-year-old former Brookside actor clearly heard saying “fuck the government, fuck the planners”.

It is understood it was recorded at the end of last week.

But an editing blunder meant the swear words were accidently left in.

We're a little lost as to if O'Brien has resigned because of his sloppy editing - which seems a bit of a harsh reaction to a small, if pungent, slip - or because he has views, which can hardly be right. Sure, he shouldn't express them while in a BBC presenter's chair, but it was an error - and, again, that seems a bit of an extreme punishment for a small mistake.

Bad language in Church

We're not that fond of Charlotte Church, but clearly someone's started a game of CelebDuel, whereby the tabloids attempt to drive a celeb completely over the edge.

The Daily Record is reporting with glee that Church used the f word and stomped off rather than talking to other cast members. We reckon they'll have her at her first suicide attempt by easter.